Fifty Shades Freed (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written February 23rd, 2018*

We've finally made it, boys. We made it to the end of this god-awful putrid trilogy, whether you watched it out of dedication to your girlfriend/wife, ironic laughs, or if it's just because you hate yourself, it's over. God, I hope so at least. Based on the money this garbage series has made, I wouldn't be surprised if they try to milk this franchise for more.

The series ended like it began, with a poor script, laughably bad plot-twists and some of the most bored acting I've seen in a while. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey's story is at an end and after three films, these characters have barely changed. I'm honestly not sure what the character arc of these people was meant to be.

Christian Grey is still a complete bore and a controlling sociopath, despite now being married and facing the prospect of children in his life. Anna on the other hand has just become less shy, but is still in love with a complete creep. Honestly, what kind of relationship can last when your husband's reaction to the news you are pregnant happens like it does in this film?

Despite the stars being payed mega money for this garbage franchise, I oddly feel sorry for Jamie Dornan, you can just see the regret in his eyes during every scene. They're vacant with a hint of sadness. He just looks bored and his lack of chemistry with Dakota Johnson, who is still trying with the god-awful script she's reading from, bless her.

For a film series that's about BDSM, the trilogy is at least consistent with delivering the least sexy sex scenes that from been there from the start. It's all remarkably tame and poor. There's a scene with Ben and Jerry's that comes off as just disgusting rather than erotic. I mean, have you ever wanted to see Dakota Johnson lick ice-cream off a hairy nipple? Well, this film might just be for you. Gross.

As much as I'm trashing this garbage display. There is at least a lot of ironic entertainment to come out of this. I found the first hour or so incredibly boring, but once the film bizarrely changes tones into a thriller, I had some of the best laughs I've had all year. The plot-twists and where things go are so bat-shit insane. Things just happen with no reason then with no real consequence. Realism is thrown completely out of the window and is all the more entertaining for it. It's astonishing how incompetent this whole series has been. The last five minutes also include a big moment that feels like it addresses some sort of closure for Christian that I don't think had even been mentioned before?

They also do a complete Spectre plot-twist involving series villain Jack Hyde and the characters reaction to the news is one of utter indifference rather than shock, it was incredible. The last scene even tries to pull at the heart strings of the fans of this series by giving you a highlight reel from all three Shades films before going to credits. Incredible.


Fifty Shades Freed better be the last entry in this series, because I am done. It ended like it started, a poorly acted, disastrously plotted and scripted mess that can only be enjoyed by laughing at it. RIP Fifty Shades. I hope to god everyone involved can move on from this series and forget it ever happened.

1/10 Dans

Fifty Shades Freed is out now in cinemas in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @thesurprisingadventuresofdanb and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

Fifty Shades Darker (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written February 13th, 2017*
 
"Fifty Shades of cinematic cancer"

I know I'm far from the target audience this film series is aimed at. I'm neither a teenage girl or a sexually repressed middle-aged woman, so it really is not for me, but for my own twisted sadomasochistic reasons, I endure this franchise and it proves I really will see anything they release in a cinema. Even this abomination of "Kinky fuckery".

Fifty Shades Darker is more or less the same. A 2 hour shit-show of soapy melodrama, a laughable script and bored performances. Although one thing is different, they attempt heighten the "tension" with these hilarious moments of forced drama that come out of nowhere. It feels like a trashy '90s thriller in the vein of Basic Instinct, but with none of what made it great.

Once again the relationship at the center of the film is more damaging than it is romantic. It really scares me seeing girls share on Facebook and Twitter about how they "want their Christian Grey". It baffles me, this man is a creepy, controlling psychopath who seems more likely to skin you alive than provide romance. His relationship with Ana is so problematic. She breaks up with him at the end of the last film, but they're back together within the first 15 minutes under the promise "this time it's different"

Fucking in the shower with clothes on

What's funny is that nothing has changed. Ana more or less goes along with everything Christian demands of her with little to no discussion. Just this time there is no bondage until a very minor scene towards the end. Despite doing all of what Christian says, late in the film during a scene of forced tension involving a gun, Christian demands that Ana "Do what she's told, for once". It was so poor and out of nowhere.

That isn't the only moment that comes out of nowhere. In the last 20 minutes there is a helicopter crash that just happens, with no build up or any kind of intent the film would have a scene like this. Like a lot of the film, it feels like a collection of deleted scenes that are jumbled together to make a 2 hour film. After this helicopter crash, Christian shows up at his apartment with some bruising and covered in dirt, then the scene is forgotten. It was bizarre.

Even with the rare "18" rating in the UK. The sex is incredibly tame and lifeless. I don't never seen two actors seem so bored when they were in bed together. It was also strange that Jamie Dornan spends nearly all of the sex scenes with his jeans on while Dakota Johnson gets completely naked. At least she put some dedication into the scenes. Also, for a film about BDSM, a surprising lack of it.

One of the more frustrating things about Fifty Shades Darker is how uninterested the actors seem in general. Everyone in this film I've seen in other stuff and know they are capable actors. Here they just seem bored delivering some awful lines with no effort put in. I honestly think Jamie Dornan wears the same facial expression in every scene. Did his face move?! I don't know. Dakota Johnson didn't fare much better, the most interesting part about her performance is the way she seemed to say "Urm" during sentences, giving the impression she was trying to remember the script while filming.

There is at least an excuse to explain why Christian is the way he is. There's some tacked on stuff about him being abused by his mother when he was a child, burning him with cigarettes. It's revealed his body is covered in cigarette burns, but I am pretty sure these were not present in the first. There's also a weirdly prominent post for 'The Chronicles of Riddick' in his childhood bedroom, which just felt so weird'.

If this film sends a horrible message about romanticising an abusive relationship, they try their hardest to make Christian a "good" guy by making every other male character with more than a scene of screentime a monster. The only other real male character with screentime is Ana's boss, who they NEED to make a villain for some reason as he tries to rape Ana in another scene that comes out of nowehere in an attempt at drama for the sake of drama.

Ana getting finger blasted by a creepy pervert in an elevator

I could make a list of some of the "best" lines in Fifty Shades Darker, but I only saw it yesterday, but I forgot most of them already. The ones that have stuck with me had to be "Kinky fuckery" (Which I am saying a lot) and "You taught me how to fuck, Ana taught me how to love". Both of which made me laugh out loud in the cinema to the presumable disdain of the middle-aged women getting off on this tripe during a late afternoon screening in a fairly empty cinema.

I didn't stay to watch the trailer for next years 'Fifty Shades Freed' inserted in the middle of the credits, but the cliffhanger ending of a barely used character looking over a hilltop at Christian's party while burning a cigarette in a picture of him leaves me very excited for the absolute nonsense that is gonna go down in February, 2018.

Fifty Shades Darker is pure garbage, problematic, laughably bad, lazy, boring and poorly acted. No one involved in this series gives a shit about the quality anymore, and it shows. One of the worst films likely to come out in 2017.

1/10 Dans

Fifty Shades Darker is out now on 4K UHD, Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews, @DanBremner96 and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @DanBremner96 and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron 
Facebook