Bumblebee (2018) - Cinema Review

Review:

*Originally written January 1st, 2019*

After ruining the franchise with 5 increasingly bombastic, racist and just downright horrible films, I doubt there was much audience faith left the Transformers franchise thanks to Michael Bay's "Contributions" to cinema. Thankfully, Bay's awful touch is nowhere to be seen in this sweet, touching and incredibly fun prequel film focusing on the mute yellow Transformer Bumblebee.

I was excited for this due to Travis Knight directing (I loved Kubo and the Two Strings), he'd never done a live-action film before, but he proved his delicate touch worked to make a genuinely sweet and focused Transformers film that is far better than anything that's come before it and stands with some of the best blockbusters of the year.

Hailee Steinfeld is a complete joy and is far more watchable than the annoying Shia LeBeouf and the weirdly racist Mark Wahlberg in the previous films. Her character is arc is simple and it works, and she is so likeable as a lead. Being set in the '80s gives way to a wonderful John Hughes tone and homages to his films, plus a killer soundtrack. 

The action is far more scaled-back and easier to follow, it's much smaller than the city destroying bombast of the Bay films, which in all honesty, makes me care more. It's still giant robots punching each other, but it's done with much more energy and emotional weight than the previous films, making us actually care.

At its core, it's a little similar to the first Transformers film, it's someone finding out their new car is a Transformer and having to deal with that while hiding it from the government searching for it. The difference here is, we actually spend a lot of time with Bumblebee and Steinfeld bonding, she shows him music of their era and gets him to watch Breakfast Club on VHS. It's wonderful and genuinely funny at times, thanks to their dynamic. And it's just so refreshing to watch one of these films without Bay's weird racism and perversion, which had no place in this franchise considering they are kids films after all.

It's helps being a full 40 minutes shorter than the last few films too and the Transformers themselves having their original designs and not those weird and creepy robotic lips which are just off-putting. Bumblebee flies by in no time and it's the first film in this series where I actually wanted more when it ended. The Transformers franchise is actually worth watching again, all it took was getting a new director and getting rid of every awful decision Michael Bay added.


I'm really hoping Bumblebee does well, because this new start for the franchise is far more worthy of 4 sequels than the previous ones are. I just hope we get Travis Knight and Hailee Steinfeld back for future films, because I actually give a shit about these things for the first time since I was about 11. A fun, fast and sweet ride, Bumblebee is one of the biggest surprises of 2018.

8/10 Dans

Bumblebee is out now in cinemas in the UK, with a 4K UHD steelbook available to pre-order from HMV

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Bad Boys 2 (2003) - 4K UHD Review

Review:

*Originally written September 14th, 2018*

Honestly torn about whether this vile film is a masterpiece or a disasterpiece. Thinking about the last 150 minutes (yes, it really is that long) of my life, I'm leaning towards the latter. As utterly horrible and mean-spirited as Bad Boys 2 is, I seem to keep coming back to it, over and over again for some reason and each time I watch it, I hate myself just that little bit more.

I don't remember watching the first Bad Boys frequently when I was young, but I watched this a lot as a kid, so I was interested to see what on earth a grown up Dan would think of this. Thankfully, he saw this vile piece of work for what it is: a disgusting, abhorrent pile of shit that never should have seen the light of day. It's a horrible, nasty film made by a man who clearly has very poor social interactions with other human beings.

I rarely feel uncomfortable watching a film, but there were moments in Bad Boys 2 where I just sat there thinking to myself "This is fucking horrible". Nearly every joke is aimed at either race or sexuality. It's Bay at his most unrestrained, it really tells a lot about him. I get the feeling he doesn't like gay people, respect women and might even have a little necrophilia fetish.

This film is just vile scene after vile scene. Everything just rubbed me the wrong way, but at the same time it was a fascinating look at Bay's psyche. From it's KKK opening moments, to rat fucking, to destroying Brazil. It's oddly compelling. Gotta mention it's not Bay's worst film either, which is a fucking testament to his filmography, and is far more interesting to watch than the last 3 Transformers films. Gotta give a shout out to the opening titles where "Directed by Michael Bay" appears as a KKK member is burning a cross. I wasn't sure how to take that.

To give credit where credits due. I due appreciate some of Bay's visual flourish and I do like seeing grizzly violence in a big-budget film, which we sadly don't get anymore. This was all pretty much practical too, which I really liked. So there was nothing wrong in the action department, it's just everything else. It's blazing with Bay's unique visuals that are sadly just wasted on his atrocious lack of coherent storytelling and his childishly offensive scripts he seems to dig out of edgy teenagers bins.

The two leads are inherently unlikable. Will Smith is a psychopath devoid of any decency, he enjoys the chaos, death and destruction that unfolds around him. Martin Lawrence is annoying. His character complains about all the destruction they cause, but that never once stops him from doing it. They're just so poorly written and one note. The characters do not go beyond the premise of one's a "family man" and the other a "playboy". Every watch, these two characters get worse and worse, they have some genuine chemistry, but are just awful, awful people that would be fired within days as real cops. Their behaviour and attitude towards what they do is completely sociopathic. And don't get me started on the "Those big dead titties" scene. Fucking gross.

After watching this again, I really would love to have a pint with Michael Bay, I think he could be one of the most bizarre people in existence. His writing has the sensibilities of a 13 year old who claimed to fuck your mum during a game of Call of Duty. What am I saying, this guy is the biggest douche in the world. Bad Boys 2 is the result of giving a blank check to an utter man-baby with no morals. Who the fuck let this be 2 and half hours long?!


Bad Boys 2 is devoid of anything that's even considered morally decent, but it is a fascinating train-wreck to watch with some well shot action and visual flair. Oddly enough, I kinda want to see a Bad Boys 3? The fuck has Bay done to me? Another knockout 4K UHD release from Sony too. Much like the first Bad Boys, it is just gorgeous to look at, it's just a shame a film like this was given such a high-quality transfer.

3/10 Dans

Bad Boys 2 is out now on 4K UHD, Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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Bad Boys (1995) - 4K Review

Review:

*Originally written September 12th, 2018*

Michael Bay actually shows some promise with his first film, Bad Boys. While it has the "Bayhem" flair, it actually shows the talent of a first time director with potential. All the Bay problems here are kept to a minimum and only unleashed in his later and more abhorrent films.

Bad Boys is a fairly generic buddy-cop film about two detectives who are polar opposites of each other, working together to solve the case of a drug robbery and murder of a woman that involves a witness they must protect. 

Will Smith's Mike Lowrey is a playboy millionaire who is only a cop as a hobby, while Martin Lawrence's Marcus Burnett is an honest family man. I'd like to say these two have great chemistry and are a match made in heaven, sadly they are not. Will Smith plays it with his usual Will Smith charm that has only grown stale. Martin Lawrence is just annoying. All the side characters are horrible, especially Marcus's wife, who is a just a total uptight buzzkill and nothing more. Way to write women characters, Bay....

Bay's flourish for action works much better on a small scale here. All the set-pieces look nice and feel unique. The finale at the airport is the standout, while throughout there is a couple of smaller moments. This whole thing feels weird. It's a Michael Bay film with not a lot of action, which I appreciate. It's just a shame his characters are utterly horrible and the writing is appalling.

The plot is messy and makes no sense. Marcus and Mike have to pretend to be each other in some deeply unfunny scenes. As a comedy this falls completely flat. All the jokes are either cringe-worthy or uncomfortably racist. There's the two Spanish cops and one of the them is named "Mendez", because of course. 

I sound negative, but I do appreciate this film on a purely throwback level. It reeks of '90s and Bay clearly comes from a music directing background that shows. There is so much '90s cheese, especially in the music with some laughable guitar riffs. It really was a product of its time.

Even looking at the poster, Michael Bay clearly has a huge hard-on for the colour yellow. Bad Boys is non-stop yellow, from the opening to closing scene. The whole film is over saturated in a piss coloured yellow aesthetic. I hated the colour scheme. I actually much prefer his blue look he uses in his later films. Even with the overbearing yellow colour scheme, this is a gorgeous 4K release, brimming with detail and vibrant improvements on the colours. The previous "Mastered in 4K" Blu-ray release was excellent too, but this more than tops that. Another class UHD release from Sony. Can't wait to see how Bad Boys 2 looks.

The bad guy is utterly forgettable too. I'm looking at the IMDB cast know and am having a hard time remembering what the bad guy was called and who played him. He pops up in a few scenes and leaves no kind of impact whatsoever. 

I don't feel I've talked enough about how awful these characters are. Will Smith is a complete douche-bag, we get hints of his womanising, his home is basically a shrine to himself, which would be fine, even pretty funny had the character been written better, but he's just an asshole. I don't get Martin Lawrence either, his character never goes beyond doing a high-pitched voice in a tense situation. So annoying. Oh, these people are awful cops too. I don't know how they weren't fired.


For better or worse, this is where Bayhem begins, and I say "Game on".


6/10 Dans

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Pain and Gain (2013) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written June 11th, 2015*

Pain and Gain is a film that shows people can still surprise you. That person being Michael Bay, one of the worst directors of all-time, a man responsible for some of the biggest cinematic abortions of our time: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Bad Boys 2, and the very worst of them all... Transformers: Age of Extinction. He's a director whose films are bombastic, tasteless, racist, disgusting, obnoxious and portray women in a way that sends films back to the stone age.

I have no idea what happened here, but Pain and Gain is great. It's funny, it's violent and the story is interesting throughout. It tells the true story (The film even reminds you that when the more disturbing and crazy things happen) of Daniel Lugo and his American dream ambitions which involve kidnap and extortion. These things get out of had and the kidnap escalates to murder and torture. 

It may seem tasteless, taking these horrible events and putting into a film that is mostly a comedy. While it certainly is an acquired taste if you're able to laugh at something this dark. It worked for me, but there will certainly be people who find this offensive and disgusting.

The film has the usual Michael Bay flare and trademarks, as much as I hate him, I can't knock him for his visual style. It opens with a super slow-motion shot of the end of the film, accompanied by an excellent score, which was done by the guy who did the music for the Transformers films and a lot of other garbage. He must have been on a good day as well.

The cast are excellent. This is probably Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson's first real acting performance. He is probably the closest thing we have to a likeable character here, you feel sorry for him because he's an ex-con trying to change. Mark Wahlberg is great here too, playing an asshole, who you root for (Mostly)


If you only have to see one Michael Bay film in your life, make it this one. Pain and Gain might be a little much for some, but it's a blast and a lot of fun. There's an argument for this being absolutely tasteless and offensive, turning these horrific crimes into a satirical swipe at the American Dream, but I feel that's what Bay was aiming for, and he succeeded well.

8/10 Dans

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13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi (2016) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written May 26th, 2016*

"Bay Hawk Down"

If you know me, then you know I hate Michael Bay. He's made a couple of decent films in his career, The Rock and Pain and Gain for example, but for the most part it's garbage. His latest film, another true story opened to mixed reviews, flopped and disappeared from theaters before I even had a chance to watch it (It only showed at my local cinema for 3 days). I was intrigued at how this could be, because even it was terrible, a Michael Bay film is always a fascinating experience, but this was just very mediocre and forgettable.

It tells the true that follows six members of a security team who fight to defend the American diplomatic compound in Benghazi, Libya after waves of terrorist attacks on September 11, 2012.

None of it really worked for me. There were some genuinely tense moments here and there, but it was mostly just dull. I appreciated how Bay toned down his "Bayisms" as a full-on Bay film would have just played as tasteless and offensive. It reminded me a little of Lone Survivor, which I wasn't a huge fan of, but at least it had the charisma of Mark Wahlberg to carry the film.

The cast here is pretty weird, full of TV stunt casting. The lead is John Krasinski, who you'll probably know as Jim from the U.S. version of The Office. He's extremely misguided and miscast in this role and just comes off as goofy. Sometimes comedy actors exceed in dramatic roles, this wasn't one of them. I didn't really care for the rest of cast either or the characters, which is probably due to the script.

Like most Bay films, the script is utter trash. So much cliché military nonsense and patriotism that hits you over the head from opening scene to the final shot. I didn't feel anything for any of the team, even though the first 40 minutes is spent with them. We get a weird scene where one of them is calling their wife as she breaks down crying and admits she's pregnant while she's at a drive-through McDonald's. 

It's so long too, like unreasonably long, bordering on 2 and a half hours and I was pretty much done about 90 minutes in. It was overkill. It might have been a bit more tolerable had there been some interesting action, but there's not. What we do get is some really long slow-motion shots and that over-saturated yellow look that Bay seems to love. 

Still I do appreciate how Bay kept it in his pants for the most part. It's easily his most mature film to date, but that's not saying much. Had 13 Hours had a better screenwriter, better cast and much shorter run-time this could have been an excellent dedication to these soldiers who went through a really hellish night, but instead we're stuck with a mediocre war film that's overlong, poorly written and just forgettable.

5/10 Dans

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Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written June 27th, 2017*

"Kill me" 
 
It's been well established that I don't like the Transformers films by this point. Well, I don't mind the first one, but even after 3 terrible films in a row from the series, I'm still willing to give Michael Bay a chance. Oh, god. Why am I so naive and willing to watch any film thrown my way?

I'll start with the good. It's better than Age of Extinction at the very least. It's also 15 minutes shorter than Extinction, but still coming in at an absurd 150 minutes. Why do people let Michael Bay make films this long? He does realise he can make more fans and get critical acclaim if he actually listens to his criticisms, right?

The only other minor good things I have to say about The Last Knight are some of the more insane and absurd ideas on display and the underused performance of child actress Isabela Moner. The crazier stuff I wish were explored and embraced more. We find out more convoluted history behind the Transformers and their place in human history. They were involved in everything, from King Arthur to World War 2 (We even find out Hitler was killed by a Transformer). These are the more interesting things we see brief things of, but would have made for a much more interesting film overall.

Then we get to the bad. The most obvious thing, which I have mentioned, is the length. It's absurd. I was ready for this to end about 40 minutes before it finished. I was so bored and exhausted by this whole display of nonsense. Much like the last one, it just went on and on until it abruptly ended. It was a soul-crushing experience. One I wouldn't want to wish upon anyone.

The Last Knight feels like Michael Bay throwing so much shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. The story is a needlessly convoluted mess. I had no idea what was happening. I got there was some world ending artifact that had to be kept out of Decepticon hands to save Earth. It's all just material that has been used for every Transformers film since 2007. This series has been stuck in limbo for 10 years now, nothing's changed, nothing is new. We're watching the same recycled crap over and over again. People complain about this in superhero films, but this is the real problem, at least superhero films use their formula well.

It was also embarassing to see such respected actors reduce themselves to this level of nonsense. Anthony Hopkins has the time of his life reducing himself to a joke with such lame and cringy lines such as "that's a bitchin' ride". Steve Buscemi also has a small role, that's not really of note. Wahlberg was as good as he was in the last one, just meh and serviceable. It was funny to see Shia LeBeouf have a small (sorta) cameo that at least remembers where the series once was. We also have a hot blonde in here, who is nothing more than cleavage and eye candy for the audience. Fuck you, Bay.

What really pissed me off about The Last Knight was how misleading a lot of the trailers were. One of them seemed like the film was different tonally, that we would be focusing on some new child actors discovering Transformers, and I actually liked the idea of that. Well, it was a huge lie, aside from one of the kids, they were in it for one scene. The one kid who sticks around was barely in it, which was a shame, as the child performance was actually quite good and her character was far more interesting and compelling than anyone else.

The trailers also made a big deal out of the whole "Optimus Prime being evil" thing and having a big showdown with Bumblebee. Well, holy shit. You will be in for a disappointment. Prime is absent for nearly all of the film and shows up in the last 20 minutes and his stint at being evil lasts a little more than 5 minutes and is solved by the 2017 equivelant of the "Martha" moment from Batman V Superman. I was shocked and appalled.

Oh, there is a huge and misguided mistake The Last Knight made, and this is the changing aspect ratios. Jesus Christ, what a distracting mess that was. Every scene the aspect ratio changes from shot to shot, giving the film an irritating and inconsistent visual style. I don't know what the fuck Bay was thinking? I know he's a self-inulgent twat, but who let him do this? In what possible way would this be a good idea to anyone? I was hoping this would stop being noticeable after a few minutes, but I was reminded of it through the entire 150 minute runtime.

I feel I should comment on the action, because for some reason, people seem to think that the Transformers films are somehow worth it for the action. It's not, it was another round of boring and bombastic explosions that left no impact, ruined by muddled editing and that annoying aspect ratio mess. There are some good ideas lying within the action, like the brief moment of Bumblebee fighting Nazis, but it was over far too soon to make any sort of impact. The rest of action is just as soul-draining, relentless and as boring as the rest of this mess. Hell, at least the visual effects were better than the last one.

Please let The Last Knight be the final film Michael Bay ever touches in this series. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Fuck, I don't even know how much I even like films anymore after this incoherrent, boring, overlong and self-indulgent mess. Fuck you, Michael Bay.

2/10 Dans

Transformers: The Last Knight is out now in cinemas in the UK
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Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written March 12th, 2017*

"More Bayhem"

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is an odd beast of a film. It never reaches the level of fun seen in the first, but it's streets ahead of the absymal trainwreck that was 'Revenge of the Fallen'.

I'm amazed the studio let Michael Bay return after the last films shambles, but whatever, he's back and he made the film 155 minutes long. Think of that, a film about fighting robots is over 2 and a half hours long, and it's not even the longest in the series. That's absurd.

It's also the third and currently final appearance of the Witwicky clan. They are still just the worst. Annoying, vexing and borderline unbearable like all the humour in this film. As bad as all the humour gets, nothing gets as irritating as the Witwicky family shenanigans.

John Turtorro and his new assistant Alan Tudyk are also brutal. Then they somehow got John Malkovich for a role I can only describe as "bizarre". That's without even getting into all the racial, sexist and homophobic stuff that's a staple of Michael Bay's films.

Tonally, Dark of the Moon is at war with itself. We go from these lame and crude jokes to scenes of innocent people getting slaughtered in these surprisingly gruesome and dark scenes that feel so out of place. This film needed better writers and a better director to make it feel natural. These films are based on kids toys, they shouldn't be this dark and miserable.

There is at least some fun to be had here. It goes on far too long, but the final battle in Chicago is pretty spectacular at times and features some really inventive set-pieces, including a scene involving a collapsing building, which was oddly a lot more thrilling than I remember.

That's where the good ends though. There are some interesting ideas. I like the thought of incorparating the Transformers into real world history, leading to an unexpected cameo from Buzz Aldrin playing himself. All these neat ideas are collapsed under the plot heavy and convoluted story. I honestly have no real idea what was going on by the end, and I was pretty numb from all the mindless action. There's also the "portal in the sky" end of the world thing that has become so tired and overdone on display here. I can't blame the film for that, as it was probably one of the first to do it, but still, it's pretty tiring to see.

One of the more interesting things was Megan Fox being replaced by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. The behind the scenes drama caused Fox to be replaced, but in all honesty, Whiteley is pretty annoying. Bay's perversion also causing her to be nothing more than a sex object. One of the opening scenes is nothing more than a tracking shot of her ass as she's walking up the stairs. Bay is just a disgusting pervert.

Dark of the Moon is a step-up from the previous film, but it once again fails due to its horribly racial, homophobic and sexist humour, Bay's gratuitous and misogynist direction and above all, it's too long by at least 40 minutes.

4/10 Dans

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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written December 19th, 2016*

While I somewhat enjoyed Michael Bay's first Transformers for an extent, this reignited my fears on why I hate this franchise. All the worst elements of the first ramped up to 11. Due to the success of the first film, I guess they let Bay of the rails as he delivers one of the most annoying and bombastic blockbusters I can think of.

I'll get the small bits of good out the way first. Once again, there is a variety of interesting and technically interesting set-pieces. The action is stylish, fast and oddly brutal at times. While most of the action is decent, this finale is a wet noodle. Completely boring and very lacklustre compared to the LA streets carnage of the first. Although that might be because I had long checked out due to the absurd 150 minute run time.

Optimus Prime being.. fine?

Where Revenge of the Fallen fails horrifically is once again with its characters, run time and awful, awful humour. Bay ramps up the annoying racial stereotypes that plagued the first one. I can't believe any producer thought it was okay to allow him to portray characters like this.

It's also bizarelly overlong. It's insane that this was anywhere near 150 minutes. 2 and a half fucking hours. It would have been fine if it had at least been fun, but it wasn't it's a trainwreck of bombastic garbage. I nearly threw up when I checked how long was left and I was only at the 90 minute mark. Part of me died that I don't think I'll be getting back any time soon.

Along with the misguided racial humour, all the characters are annoying. Shia LeBeouf is once again just a jabbering idiot who got on my nerves with his awkardness. Megan Fox is defined with her opening shot, which is her bent over a bike. Worst of all, the Witwicky family get more screentime is increasingly lame comic scenes. Wanted to see the mum accidentally eat a pot brownie and make a fool or herself? Me neither.

The terrible humour doesn't stop with the characters either. There's some really crude and pathetic shots at jokes which involve things like a small Transformer with a penis for a gun, Megan Fox getting her leg dry humped by a robot and a Decepticon with a massive pair of testicles. This is the most unhinged and demonic Bay has been since the monstrosity that was Bad Boys 2.

Michael Bay leers at Megan Fox with his camera like a disgusting pervert

Revenge of the Fallen even had the balls to try and get some emotional response out the audience with its last act. Like we were meant to feel something when we thought Sam Witwicky had died. It was embarassing. This is a character that's had nearly 5 hours of screentime, but we feel nothing. 

There is nothing to the side characters to even grip on to. I cannot tell you a single thing other than John Turtorro works in a kebab shop after the events of the first. It really makes me sad seeing Turtorro lowered to levels like this.

Yeah, it's awful. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is all the worst parts of the first thrown into an absurd run time of 150 minutes of horrific displays of Bay without a leash.

3/10 Dans

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Transformers (2007) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written December 17th, 2016*

Where do I begin with Transformers? One of Michael Bay's best films, which is an achievement. It's not good, it's not terrible, but it is head and shoulders above its soul crushing sequels which get increasingly and absurdly long with each installment.

Transformers hits a certain sweet spot of escapism entertainment. It's stupid, it's overlong, but it is pretty fun for the most part. It knows what it is. It's a film based on toys about robot cars that come to Earth and fight each other. It's never going to be high art, but it can be an entertaining way to kill 140 minutes.

There are certain Bayism's that nearly derail Transformers though. His weird fetishizasion of the US Military and more problematically, his racist portrayal of black people. It is horrendous. Every scene with the military is bursting with cringy humour and slow-motion heroic shots of soldiers. Its... bad.

Optimus Prime

But nowhere near as bad as his depiction of black people. Every single black person in this film is some sort of loud, annoying and obnoxious stereotype. The car dealer is some weird sleazy, fast talking dick who shouts at his grandmother, who is also a sassy black women who gives him the finger. This awful stereotype is copied with one of the few black characters we meet later in the film.

It might be a tad harsh to single out Bay's direction of black people only, because in all honesty, every character is terrible. Megan Fox is one note, there completely to look sexy, but dirty at the same time. Shia LeBeouf and his Witwicky family are some of the most annoying people to grace cinema. I wanted to punch every single one of them in the face. Every scene involving the family is a deeply awkward and unfunny moment that I couldn't wait to end.

I'm sounding very negative about Transformers, but I did enjoy it. It comes into its own when we actually focus on the robots fighting. Which just sounds so childish when I write it, but that's where Transformers shines. Excellent CGI robots that blow eachother up in sparking madness. The entire final act is just pure chaos, and I loved it for that. For a film 9 years old, the special effects still hold up very well and far better than what I remember from certain scenes from 'Age of Extinction'.

Cars

Bay is in his element when he doing purely visuals. Transformers is a visually interesting and excellent film. Filled with nice cinematography, a bright colour scheme and some cool looking shots, which is what the film should have been, but instead we have to suffer through horrific characters and terrible writing for a lot of it.

Transformers isn't a great film, it's not even a good film, it's a stupid but fun piece of entertainment that delivers some great and stylish action, but fails on almost every level of storytelling and humour. That said, this is still easily the best film in the series. It's all downhill from here.....

6/10 Dans

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Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) - Film Review

Review:

Jesus. I finally got to this again. Transformers: Age of Extinction. A soul-crushing, exhausting and draining piece of trash that is easily the lowest point of both the Transformers series and Michael Bay's career. Nothing in this film works. It's 165 minutes long. 165 minutes.... Who let this happen?
Working as a soft-reboot of the series, Age of Extinction gives us a new protaganist in the form of an inventor, Cade, played by Mark Wahlberg, who is at the very least, more tolerable than any of the Witwicky family. It's just a shame he's shoved in the middle of such a bloated, boring and dead-brained script.

Bumblebee

You should know what to expect from this series by now, but it's just not been fun since the first. The story is needlessly convoluted once again. The characters are all horrible. Wahlberg brings some of that wide-eyed goofy charm, but his character is oddly racist to the Irish boyfriend of his daughter.

The script makes every character just awful. The boyfriend of Wahlberg's daughter comes off as a creepy pervert as he carries round a bit of paper stating a law that gives him a loophole to date a 17 year old girl (He's 20). It's just so unneeded, weird and disgusting. No one else at particuarly memorable. T.J. Miller has a couple of funny lines, but leaves the film very early.

One of the biggest problems with Age of Extinction is its absurd length, which I mentioned before and with all the previous films in this series. This is the longest one so far, as it borders 3 hours. It's insane. I nearly cried when I saw there was still an hour left. It broke me and wore me down until there was nothing left of me.

Mark Wahlberg, Nicola Peltz and Jack Raynor

Not even the action or CGI hold up this time. Most of the character models still look great, as much as they did in previous films, but there is some weird stuff that looks like it was pulled out the '90s. It's unacceptable that a film this expensive should have special effects that bad.

The action is all borderline incomprehensible with its abhorrent shakey-cam and Bay's lack of self-restraint, making it near impossible to make out what was happening at times. There is just too much going on during the scene, making everything just seem like noise. I started zoning out and started thinking about all the collateral damage caused by all this chaos rather than enjoying it.

The score is trash too. Adding cringe-worthy lyrics into the music in order to try and earn some sort of emotional response from its audience, who should not care at all what is happening based on the poor storytelling and horrible characters.

Age of Extinction really is the worst of Bay. He's a director I despise, who sometimes surprises me (Pain and Gain, The Rock), but for the most part, his filmography is nothing more than the adolescent wet dreams for 13 year old boys. As a 20 year old, Bay really has nothing to offer me anymore. I always forget that Bay is also a 40 year old man. It's embarassing.

Optimus Prime

The only real thing I can think I liked about Age of Extinction is that it at least carries on from the aftermath of the events of the previous film and sees humanity turn on the Transformers for all the death and destruction they caused in Chicago. Which is something Batman V Superman and Captain America: Civil War did better, but that's not the point, Age of Extinction beat them to it.

Transformers: Age of Extinction isn't a film. It's a near 3 hour barrage of overdone action, CGI and spectacle in favour of anything close to good storytelling. The action and spectacle aren't even well done or exciting, it's just boring and tired by this point.

This was also meant to be Bay's final film in the series for him (As was Dark of the Moon), but he's returning for this years 'The Last Knight'. I don't expect much from it, but if it's any worse than this one, then god help us all.

1/10 Dans

Transformers: Age of Extinction is out now on Blu-ray and DVD now in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

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