Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written March 12th, 2017*

"More Bayhem"

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is an odd beast of a film. It never reaches the level of fun seen in the first, but it's streets ahead of the absymal trainwreck that was 'Revenge of the Fallen'.

I'm amazed the studio let Michael Bay return after the last films shambles, but whatever, he's back and he made the film 155 minutes long. Think of that, a film about fighting robots is over 2 and a half hours long, and it's not even the longest in the series. That's absurd.

It's also the third and currently final appearance of the Witwicky clan. They are still just the worst. Annoying, vexing and borderline unbearable like all the humour in this film. As bad as all the humour gets, nothing gets as irritating as the Witwicky family shenanigans.

John Turtorro and his new assistant Alan Tudyk are also brutal. Then they somehow got John Malkovich for a role I can only describe as "bizarre". That's without even getting into all the racial, sexist and homophobic stuff that's a staple of Michael Bay's films.

Tonally, Dark of the Moon is at war with itself. We go from these lame and crude jokes to scenes of innocent people getting slaughtered in these surprisingly gruesome and dark scenes that feel so out of place. This film needed better writers and a better director to make it feel natural. These films are based on kids toys, they shouldn't be this dark and miserable.

There is at least some fun to be had here. It goes on far too long, but the final battle in Chicago is pretty spectacular at times and features some really inventive set-pieces, including a scene involving a collapsing building, which was oddly a lot more thrilling than I remember.

That's where the good ends though. There are some interesting ideas. I like the thought of incorparating the Transformers into real world history, leading to an unexpected cameo from Buzz Aldrin playing himself. All these neat ideas are collapsed under the plot heavy and convoluted story. I honestly have no real idea what was going on by the end, and I was pretty numb from all the mindless action. There's also the "portal in the sky" end of the world thing that has become so tired and overdone on display here. I can't blame the film for that, as it was probably one of the first to do it, but still, it's pretty tiring to see.

One of the more interesting things was Megan Fox being replaced by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. The behind the scenes drama caused Fox to be replaced, but in all honesty, Whiteley is pretty annoying. Bay's perversion also causing her to be nothing more than a sex object. One of the opening scenes is nothing more than a tracking shot of her ass as she's walking up the stairs. Bay is just a disgusting pervert.

Dark of the Moon is a step-up from the previous film, but it once again fails due to its horribly racial, homophobic and sexist humour, Bay's gratuitous and misogynist direction and above all, it's too long by at least 40 minutes.

4/10 Dans

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written December 19th, 2016*

While I somewhat enjoyed Michael Bay's first Transformers for an extent, this reignited my fears on why I hate this franchise. All the worst elements of the first ramped up to 11. Due to the success of the first film, I guess they let Bay of the rails as he delivers one of the most annoying and bombastic blockbusters I can think of.

I'll get the small bits of good out the way first. Once again, there is a variety of interesting and technically interesting set-pieces. The action is stylish, fast and oddly brutal at times. While most of the action is decent, this finale is a wet noodle. Completely boring and very lacklustre compared to the LA streets carnage of the first. Although that might be because I had long checked out due to the absurd 150 minute run time.

Optimus Prime being.. fine?

Where Revenge of the Fallen fails horrifically is once again with its characters, run time and awful, awful humour. Bay ramps up the annoying racial stereotypes that plagued the first one. I can't believe any producer thought it was okay to allow him to portray characters like this.

It's also bizarelly overlong. It's insane that this was anywhere near 150 minutes. 2 and a half fucking hours. It would have been fine if it had at least been fun, but it wasn't it's a trainwreck of bombastic garbage. I nearly threw up when I checked how long was left and I was only at the 90 minute mark. Part of me died that I don't think I'll be getting back any time soon.

Along with the misguided racial humour, all the characters are annoying. Shia LeBeouf is once again just a jabbering idiot who got on my nerves with his awkardness. Megan Fox is defined with her opening shot, which is her bent over a bike. Worst of all, the Witwicky family get more screentime is increasingly lame comic scenes. Wanted to see the mum accidentally eat a pot brownie and make a fool or herself? Me neither.

The terrible humour doesn't stop with the characters either. There's some really crude and pathetic shots at jokes which involve things like a small Transformer with a penis for a gun, Megan Fox getting her leg dry humped by a robot and a Decepticon with a massive pair of testicles. This is the most unhinged and demonic Bay has been since the monstrosity that was Bad Boys 2.

Michael Bay leers at Megan Fox with his camera like a disgusting pervert

Revenge of the Fallen even had the balls to try and get some emotional response out the audience with its last act. Like we were meant to feel something when we thought Sam Witwicky had died. It was embarassing. This is a character that's had nearly 5 hours of screentime, but we feel nothing. 

There is nothing to the side characters to even grip on to. I cannot tell you a single thing other than John Turtorro works in a kebab shop after the events of the first. It really makes me sad seeing Turtorro lowered to levels like this.

Yeah, it's awful. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is all the worst parts of the first thrown into an absurd run time of 150 minutes of horrific displays of Bay without a leash.

3/10 Dans

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

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Transformers (2007) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written December 17th, 2016*

Where do I begin with Transformers? One of Michael Bay's best films, which is an achievement. It's not good, it's not terrible, but it is head and shoulders above its soul crushing sequels which get increasingly and absurdly long with each installment.

Transformers hits a certain sweet spot of escapism entertainment. It's stupid, it's overlong, but it is pretty fun for the most part. It knows what it is. It's a film based on toys about robot cars that come to Earth and fight each other. It's never going to be high art, but it can be an entertaining way to kill 140 minutes.

There are certain Bayism's that nearly derail Transformers though. His weird fetishizasion of the US Military and more problematically, his racist portrayal of black people. It is horrendous. Every scene with the military is bursting with cringy humour and slow-motion heroic shots of soldiers. Its... bad.

Optimus Prime

But nowhere near as bad as his depiction of black people. Every single black person in this film is some sort of loud, annoying and obnoxious stereotype. The car dealer is some weird sleazy, fast talking dick who shouts at his grandmother, who is also a sassy black women who gives him the finger. This awful stereotype is copied with one of the few black characters we meet later in the film.

It might be a tad harsh to single out Bay's direction of black people only, because in all honesty, every character is terrible. Megan Fox is one note, there completely to look sexy, but dirty at the same time. Shia LeBeouf and his Witwicky family are some of the most annoying people to grace cinema. I wanted to punch every single one of them in the face. Every scene involving the family is a deeply awkward and unfunny moment that I couldn't wait to end.

I'm sounding very negative about Transformers, but I did enjoy it. It comes into its own when we actually focus on the robots fighting. Which just sounds so childish when I write it, but that's where Transformers shines. Excellent CGI robots that blow eachother up in sparking madness. The entire final act is just pure chaos, and I loved it for that. For a film 9 years old, the special effects still hold up very well and far better than what I remember from certain scenes from 'Age of Extinction'.

Cars

Bay is in his element when he doing purely visuals. Transformers is a visually interesting and excellent film. Filled with nice cinematography, a bright colour scheme and some cool looking shots, which is what the film should have been, but instead we have to suffer through horrific characters and terrible writing for a lot of it.

Transformers isn't a great film, it's not even a good film, it's a stupid but fun piece of entertainment that delivers some great and stylish action, but fails on almost every level of storytelling and humour. That said, this is still easily the best film in the series. It's all downhill from here.....

6/10 Dans

Transformers is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

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