Bottom 10 Films of 2017

While it's been an excellent overall year for films, that doesn't change the fact there has been some absolute garbage. I've refrained from adding straight-to-DVD films because that would be too easy. The rules are the same, films released in 2017 (UK release dates) and some dishonourable mentions. Let's get to it and give me some Vietnam style PTSD from having to remember them films existed. There'll also be links to the full review of the films I did review.

10. Power Rangers

What could have been dumb fun turned out to be a mercilessly dull and self-serious take on a campy kids action series. It was more in line with 2015's Fantastic Four than anything close to fun. A laughably bad tonal mess with an outrageous amount of Krispy Kreme product placement.

9. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Let's be honest, the Resident Evil films have never been much good, and this isn't even the worst one, which is a hell of an achievement. A incomprehensible mess of poor editing and pitch black lighting, making the action impossible to follow and extremely boring. The title is also just a complete lie. It's time for a reboot.

8. The Snowman

One of the strangest messes of the year. The Snowman had no right to be as bad it was. A bland and boring serial killer drama with one of the most laughably bad performances of the year from Val Kilmer, who now looks like the weird love child of Brad Pitt and Tommy Wiseau.

7. Unforgettable

Somehow this film got made. A film that was barely TV movie quality and somehow managed to push the portrayal of women back a few decades. Katherine Heigl was at least fun to see go so over the top, but for the most part, it was just tacky shit.

6. Flatliners

There's not a lot to say about Flatliners, a remake that was disguised as a sequel, yet had absolutely no relation to original, despite Kiefer Sutherland reprising his role from the original, but he wasn't even the same character. A poor remake that has quickly and thankfully been forgotten already.

5. Killing Gunther

I'm a sucker for anything with Arnie in it. So was kinda excited for Killing Gunther, an action comedy with a novel idea. The end product turned out to be a cheap piece of VOD garbage that has Arnie in it for 10 minutes, and when he is on screen, he's just rehashing famous one-liners to cringe-worthy extent. Embarrassing. 

4. The Bye-Bye Man

The Bye Bye Man is pathetic, a laughably terrible and cheap teen horror film that does nothing right. The tagline for the film comes as a warning about the film itself.

3. The Emoji Movie

I came to a realisation while watching The Emoji Movie. Live is meaningless and nothing we do matters.

2. Fifty Shades Darker

Somehow Fifty Shades Darker managed to be even more awful than the first. There's still the laughable novelty of hearing some of the most cringe-worthy dialogue of the year, but it's mostly just dull and boring. This one at least had some of the most outrageous and out of nowhere plot developments that went nowhere. At least there's just one more of these to go and I imagine you'll be seeing that on my bottom 10 of 2018 too.

1. Transformers: The Last Knight

While barely better than the previous entry, Age of Extinction. The Last Knight is still just cinema at its worst. Barbarically overlong, stupid and boring, filled with Bay's trademark childish humour and action that has just got tired by this point in the series. I'd never wanted to die as much as I did after watching this steaming turd of a film.

Dishonourable mentions:

1. iBoy

2. Rings

3. Hidden Figures

4. xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

5. The Boss Baby

6. The Belko Experiment

7. Geostorm

8. Rough Night

9. Sandy Wexler

10. The Assignment

There we go. Now let's enjoy another year of potentially awful films! Salud! 

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Top 10 Films of 2017

I don't want to talk in hyperbole here, but I honestly believe that 2017 has been the strongest year of cinema in which I've been alive from what I can remember. It helps that I've managed to more or less see every release I've wanted to see this year, with the exception of The Killing of a Sacred Deer, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, The Greatest Showman and a few more. This is also based on UK release dates, so a lot of films that are technically this year that aren't released till 2018 in the UK will count as next years list (The Shape of Water, Phantom Thread, Coco etc). I also saw Three Billboards in 2017, but I'm counting that for next years due to the release date being at the end of January. Let's get started anyway. Links to my full reviews will be on each film.

10. Dunkirk 

Christopher Nolan's war epic had a lot going against it: A 12A rating, a strangely short run-time and the odd casting of Harry Styles, yet it all worked so well. An intense survival story that is more concerned with intensity than cliche and sentimentally than most war films suffer from. Harry Styles also managed to be an inspired piece of casting. 

9. mother!

While hated and ignored by the mainstream due to its strangeness and uncompromising vision, I adored Darren Aronofsky's hardcore and terrifying horror film that just unfolds and unfolds until the last act explodes with some of the most insane content I've seen in a cinema ever. It's been a few months now, but everything I saw from this is still very fresh in my head.

8. War for the Planet of the Apes

No one expected the reboot to the Planet of the Apes series to be this good, but we're finally at the end of Caesar's story and it went out in the most heartbreaking and poignant way possible. A blockbuster that was far more focused on character and story than it was mindless action and spectacle. Not to say the action wasn't spectacular, as it was, thanks to the insane CGI used to create Caesar that is still raising questions as to whether Andy Serkis can bag an Oscar in a motion capture suit (He should).

7. The Florida Project

I have yet to see Sean Baker's previous film Tangerine, but after being blown way by this I really need to. A desperately sad, but touching and sweet look at the outskirts of Disneyland Florida. An indie-comedy drama most people won't see, but I really recommend you dig this out and give it a go.

6. La La Land

There was a time where I thought La La Land would be my film of the year, but it somehow managed to not land the top spot. A gorgeous and endlessly watchable musical drama with some of the best energy I've seen for a while. And this is coming from someone who hates musicals.

5. The Disaster Artist

Somehow a film about the making of the worst film ever made managed to be one of the best films of the year. A touching look at trying to achieve your dreams as an actor in Los Angeles while everyone is against your vision. Also, by far the best comedy of the year thanks to James Franco's career high best as the always fascinating Tommy Wiseau.

4. Baby Driver

Once you look past the silly title (Which does make sense), Baby Driver is one of the best films of the year. An electric musical action comedy with the best soundtrack of the year filled with classic rock and a variety of everything. Edgar Wright can do no wrong at this point.

3. T2 Trainspotting

Trainspotting has always had a special place in my heart, I've seen it several times and while seeing these characters again sounded appealing, the 20 year gap and general lack of success with belated sequels had me worried (That awful title too), Danny Boyle managed to surprise me and deliver a film that adds a lot to the first one while taking the characters in new directions. I'd really like to see these characters return in the future too.

2. Blade Runner 2049

Blade Runner 2049 is one of those rare sequels that not only improves on the original, but completely blows it out the water. Denis Villeneuve has made a gorgeous and fully realised film that takes its time and delivers one of the most emotional experiences of the year. It's also nice to see Harrison Ford not phone it in for the first time in a while. Fuck Jared Leto though.

1. Logan

It wasn't going to be anything else. Huge Jacked Man's 17 year run as The Wolverine came to a beautiful and powerful end in a film that was a more a quiet western than it was anything close to a superhero film. A brutal, bleak and depressing drama and the best thing to happen to superhero films since The Dark Knight. The fact Logan won't even get nominated for any Oscars at all is an embarrassment. 

Well, that's my top 10, but here is some honourable mentions:

1. Raw

2. John Wick: Chapter 2

3. Good Time

4. Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2

5. Get Out

6. Battle of the Sexes

7. Atomic Blonde

8. Brawl in Cell Block 99

9. Moonlight

10. Detroit

11. American Made

12. 20th Century Women

13. Star Wars: The Last Jedi

14. Silence

15. Wind River

16. Kingsman: The Golden Circle

17. IT

18. The Handmaiden

19. Song to Song

20. Fences

Thanks for reading and here's to a hopefully excellent year of films. Also look out for my bottom 10 films of the year soon.

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