Fast and Furious Presents: Hobbs and Shaw (2019) - Review

Review:

*Originally written August 5th, 2018*

2019 in cinema continues to underwhelm and disappoint. Hobbs and Shaw is both the ninth entry and first spin-off of this unlikely franchise that started as a piece of early 2000's cringe about street-racing and wanking off onto a car bonnet or something. No one would have expected this series to go as far as it has or get as big as its gotten, but then the fifth film came along and changed things. It was no longer about getting your dick hard over a bit of vibrating engine and metal, they became ludicrously dumb and entertaining action films that continued to push the boundaries of insanity with each one.

Which is why I guess I'm a little underwhelmed by this first spin-off starring Jason Statham and Dwayne Johnson as the titular Deckard Shaw and Luke Hobbs. This is a fun film, as it should be, for the most part. It just never lives up to its potential, which feels like something I've been saying far too much for films in 2019. The same Fast and Furious gonzo and insane set-pieces are still here, but it lacks the surprising heart of the main series and the ensemble cast.

Johnson and Statham no doubt have great chemistry together, which is why some of the strongest scenes from Fate of the Furious was their stuff together, so it's easy to see why they would pair these two up for their own spin-off together. It's just a shame that a lot of the jokes and banter between them feels so juvenile and lame, I was surprised at just how many dick jokes were crammed into the first half. Honestly, I was astonished, I've not heard that many references to cock and balls since the last time I saw a Seth Rogen film.

The plot they're thrown into is very by the numbers and generic. The mismatched pair have to team up despite hating each other (Didn't they get over that in the 8th film?) in order to take down Idris Elba's genocidal cyborg soldier who wants to destroy most of the population with a virus that ends up in the hands of Shaw's MI6 agent sister (Vanessa Kirby). Yeah, it's a hell of a long way from the days of undercover cops and street-racing.

When I first heard Idris Elba was playing a cyborg enhanced super-soldier called Brixton, I couldn't think of anything better. Something as nonsensical and absurd as that to push this series further and further into insanity. Sadly, he's a little underwhelming. It's not all Elba's fault though, he does a fine job with what he's given, bringing a certain menace and charisma to the role, it's just the character that's very underwritten. He has some really cool moments and his arsenal of sci-fi gadgets and physics defying motorbike is awesome, but his motivations are the same as several villains as of late - "Wipe out loads of the world's population in order to save it", it's oddly dull. 

The real breakout star here was Vanessa Kirby, which I did not expect at all. She really holds her own in action scenes and looks like she has a promising career ahead of her in the genre. She even has much stronger moments and lines than either Statham and Johnson. I hope to see much more of her in this series, whether it be the main series or the inevitable sequel to Hobbs and Shaw.

With David Leitch directing, I had no worries about the action on display here, he did a wonderful job with John Wick, Atomic Blonde and Deadpool 2, so it was awesome to see him work with such a huge budget. His work is easily the strongest stuff on display here and where Hobbs and Shaw really comes alive. It's a shame all the action is spoiled in the trailers, but Leitch really does have a handle on things here. From the gravity and physics defying vehicle stunts to the surprisingly crunchy hand-to-hand stuff, it all feels very fun and creative without living up to insanity of the main series, but it's still wonderfully more crazy and over the top than most films with a budget like this would allow.

It's just a shame the downtime between the chaotic scenes of action seem to drag on so much, it has its moments and a very fun cameo, but it honestly feels about 30 minutes too long with so much that could have been cut for a much leaner and easier to watch film. Some gags and jokes drag on for so long they start to feel like a Family Guy sketch, it just goes on and on. I feel like there's a much better film few cuts away from what we got here.


Hobbs and Shaw just feels a bit too by the numbers for a series as insane and crazy as Fast and Furious. There's fun to be had with the really fun set-pieces and seeing Statham and Johnson together, but it all just feels a little underwhelming and not as fun as it could have been. Passable entertainment, but another 2019 film that didn't live up to its potential.

6/10 Dans

Watch the trailer below:

Hobbs and Shaw is out now cinemas in UK and a 4K UHD Steelbook is available to pre-order from HMV

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Rampage (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 22nd, 2018*

I might have been a bit harsh on Rampage the first time I saw it, I don't think I was in the mood and it made me hate it more than it deserved. Don't get me wrong, this is still a mess of a film, but it has its moments and is still one of better video game film adaptations. Part of me is glad I bit the bullet and picked up the Blu and rewatched it.

You should know what to expect from a film where Dwayne Johnson has to save his friend George (An ape) after a mysterious substance enters his cage and turns him huge and homicidal. There's also a giant wolf and crocodile involved too. After seeing the big dumb pathetic mess that was Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, it made me appreciate this much more. 

My main problem is probably with the characters. Dwayne Johnson is playing the same character he plays every film. He's got charm and charisma, but him doing the same routine over and over again has finally gotten old. I'd say the abysmal Skyscraper was the final breaking point for me, but this comes close. By far the best part was the relationship between Johnson and George, I just have a soft spot for apes, but there is some charm and chemistry between Johnson and the giant CGI creation. 

I forgot just how weird Jeffrey Dean Morgan is in this too. A Texas cowboy with a weird swagger that makes him come off more sociopathic than cool. His mean spirited treatment of one of the bad guys at the end was really odd to me and just didn't sit right with tone of this film. 

For a film about 3 rampaging creatures, there is very little action too. Most of it builds up to the final battle, in which the 3 creatures finally meet up in the city for the Rampage. While the last act is by far the most entertaining, it is a drag to get there, despite the short 100 minute run-time. There is a cool moment paying homage to Aliens early on, but that moment is far too brief and fleeting. I was surprised at some of gore and violence they were aloud to get away with in a 12A, but I seem to say that a lot. I guess times are changing and dumb family friendly aimed blockbusters are aloud to be edgier.


While it's far from great, you get what you expect from Rampage, a film best on an '80s arcade game and while it is a bit of a slog to get through, it picks up and feels sorta worth it by the end. Of the two overpriced blockbusters Dwayne Johnson has starred in this year, this is by far the best.

5/10 Dans

Rampage is out now on 4K UHD, Blu-ray and DVD in the UK. With a Blu-ray steelbook available from HMV. 

Watch the trailer below:

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Pain and Gain (2013) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written June 11th, 2015*

Pain and Gain is a film that shows people can still surprise you. That person being Michael Bay, one of the worst directors of all-time, a man responsible for some of the biggest cinematic abortions of our time: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Bad Boys 2, and the very worst of them all... Transformers: Age of Extinction. He's a director whose films are bombastic, tasteless, racist, disgusting, obnoxious and portray women in a way that sends films back to the stone age.

I have no idea what happened here, but Pain and Gain is great. It's funny, it's violent and the story is interesting throughout. It tells the true story (The film even reminds you that when the more disturbing and crazy things happen) of Daniel Lugo and his American dream ambitions which involve kidnap and extortion. These things get out of had and the kidnap escalates to murder and torture. 

It may seem tasteless, taking these horrible events and putting into a film that is mostly a comedy. While it certainly is an acquired taste if you're able to laugh at something this dark. It worked for me, but there will certainly be people who find this offensive and disgusting.

The film has the usual Michael Bay flare and trademarks, as much as I hate him, I can't knock him for his visual style. It opens with a super slow-motion shot of the end of the film, accompanied by an excellent score, which was done by the guy who did the music for the Transformers films and a lot of other garbage. He must have been on a good day as well.

The cast are excellent. This is probably Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson's first real acting performance. He is probably the closest thing we have to a likeable character here, you feel sorry for him because he's an ex-con trying to change. Mark Wahlberg is great here too, playing an asshole, who you root for (Mostly)


If you only have to see one Michael Bay film in your life, make it this one. Pain and Gain might be a little much for some, but it's a blast and a lot of fun. There's an argument for this being absolutely tasteless and offensive, turning these horrific crimes into a satirical swipe at the American Dream, but I feel that's what Bay was aiming for, and he succeeded well.

8/10 Dans

Pain and Gain is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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Skyscraper (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written July 17th, 2018*

I'll admit, I never went into Skyscraper with any kind of expectations. The trailers did nothing for me, it just looked like a CGI heavy Die Hard clone with Dwayne Johnson. Which is exactly what it was, but it never managed to be fun or entertaining. I just felt bored and depressingly insulted by every moment of this complete farce.

Dwayne Johnson plays a security expert/a mixture of ex special forces and police cliches. Seriously, they couldn't settle on one, so he's a bunch of different things I do not care enough about to check or remember. He's hired to run security on the tallest skyscraper in the world, a high-tech, mile high palace still under construction. Terrorists get involved and he has to save his family who are trapped inside the building.

It's as lazy and cliched as it sounds, it wants to be Dwayne Johnson's Die Hard so bad, but never once has the wit, fun or creativity to hold a candle to the action classic. I was just so disinterested by everything unfolding onscreen. You can predict where everything goes and how it wraps up within the first ten minutes. There are no surprises or subverting expectations, you know everything you're getting from the trailer.

Which can be fine, some action films of recent years don't need to do anything special to be fun, Gerard Butler has built a career on this. It's just a shame Skyscraper constantly takes the lazy route every chance it gets. Everything is telegraphed from the get go, you can tell who is going to turn bad later in the film based on their accents. There are so many seeds set early on that have such cringe worthy payoffs at the end that I just put my hands on my head and groaned. It was painful.

Even as an action film, Skyscraper has no creativity for it's set-pieces, it's stupidly over the top and knows it, but feels like a mess of poor CGI and bland direction (I really expect better from the director of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story), no action scenes had any sort of tension or fluidity to them. Despite the huge CGI explosions happening around the characters, it all just felt hollow and depressing. 

The most interesting thing here was the inclusion of Dwayne Johnson's characters having one leg, but that only really comes into play at one moment and serves no purpose, although I do like the idea of a disabled action hero. It was just strange to have a character with one leg, but is constantly impervious to injury at any point during the film after the opening. If they were trying to make a Die Hard homage, they could have had the hero actually feeling what was happening to him.

Johnson himself is fine as he usually is. He's impossible to hate, but I'm getting a little tired of his act now. He is so watchable, it's just a shame he wastes himself in such boring, action films. It feels as if he takes any role he is offered, despite the quality. Almost like the Nicolas Cage of big budget films.


There's so little else to say about Skyscraper. It fails on pretty much every level. A boring, cliche mess of a film that lacks any kind of impact, fun or thrills. With the almost as boring Rampage and now this, Johnson is really not having a good year for films. Cinema is dead.

3/10 Dans

Skyscraper is out now in cinemas in the UK
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Moana (2016) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written December 2nd, 2016*

Despite having a fairly by the numbers story. You know, it's the usual, chosen one is needed to save her village and bring peace and order back. It pretty typical stuff, but some decent songs, great characters and beautiful animation go a long way to help overcome Moana's by the numbers plot.

What keeps this at least a little different from the other Disney films is the different culture and ethnicities. I'm having a hard time recalling other films that have covered Polynesia, but hey, Disney did here and it made for a great change of scenery.

Where Moana excels is in its characters. Moana is another great and strong female lead from Disney. While The Rock provides great comic-relief as the less than heroic demi-god who has moving tattoos on his body. There's also some decent, if not entirely memorable songs that keep things going. I wasn't expecting this to be a musical, so that threw me a little bit.

It also covers Disney's recurring theme this year of mentally challenged animals. The chicken in this reminded me a lot of the bird from Finding Dory, which was also fully mentally challenged. Like full-on. I'm not sure what Disney are going for with these characters. It at least provided a few laughs.

I seem to say this with every released Disney film, but they once again prove themselves to be the kings of animation. This truly was a visually beautiful and inventive film. The character designs are awesome, the locations look incredible and my god, the photo-realistic water blew me away again. I'll once again mention the moving tattoos on The Rock's character, as they really did steal the show.


Moana might not be the most groundbreaking Disney effort, but it's another solid entry with great characters, a simple story and some truly incredible animation.

7/10 Dans

Moana is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

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Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written January 8th, 2017*

"Jungle Fever"

A sequel to Jumanji coming this late seems like an odd prospect. The first is a treasured childhood classic for a lot of people and the death of Robin Williams just made this seem like an awful idea, then there was the casting of Kevin Hart and the truly awful trailers. Much to my surprise, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle is far from the disaster I expected, it's not great, but for the most part, it's perfectly serviceable entertainment.

Updating Jumanji into a video game is something that sounds awful on paper, but works pretty well on screen. They expand the rules of the board, so I guess it can adapt to its surroundings and manipulate anyone around it into playing it. The board was still left exactly where it ended up at the end of the first film, which was a nice touch too.

Things start a little slow, the new cast of kids are actually pretty annoying and kind of assholes. There's the shy nerd, the jock, the hot, self absorbed blonde and the girl who doesn't quite fit in. I have a hard time trying to remember any of these characters. We spend quite a while with them before they enter the board game, it's just a shame the time we spend with them is pretty dull and just feels like a poor mans Breakfast Club.

Once we enter Jumanji, things really start to get fun and pick up. The cast are great (Aside from Kevin Hart, who is just annoying). Dwayne Johnson is just pure charisma from his appearance alone. Karen Gillian is great as the scantly clad explorer with a decent character arc and Jack Black steals the show by being the funniest part. I will mention Bobby Cannavale, who is completely wasted as the villain, a boring piece of cardboard that left no impact. He was nothing on the hunter from the original.

While the CGI is blatant and obvious, there is a lot of fun with the set-pieces. It's over the top and ridiculous and lacks the charm of the original, but it's highly entertaining to watch. There's some cool stuff with the video game elements. Each character has their own unique skills and abilities, some silly and some hilarious (Pie). 

There's really very little to say about Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, it's just very basic and undemanding entertainment, you enjoy what you watch, but by the end of it there's very little to process. I will say I loved the ending though. A huge "Fuck you" to films that end with sequel bait. That said, I wouldn't say no to more Jumanji in the future.

6/10 Dans

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle is out now in cinemas in the UK
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Baywatch (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written May 30th, 2017*

There seems to have been a big disconnect with me and critically panned films in 2017. I was mostly positive about Assassin's Creed, Pirates of the Carribean 5 and King Arthur, and I was expecting the same with Baywatch, but I was wrong. The critics are pretty right about this one. Baywatch is a soulless, boring chore that lacks a lot of laughs.

It works as a reboot and sequel to the TV show (Which I never watched) and follows a lifeguard played by Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson as he has to save his beach from day to day crimes, a new convoluted drug plot and train a new wave of members to the lifeguard team.

Many people were expecting a Jump Street level sort of film, which is what I also expected, but it missed a lot of what made Jump Street great. Sure, it's an R-rated comedy based on an '80s TV show, but it lacks the heart and character that made Jump Street great. Oh, it's full of crude humour.

The lifeguards of Baywatch

What surprised me most is just how little they do with its R rating. There's plenty of uses of "Fuck" and variations, but there's a real lack of nudity, which is a shame considering you have Alexandra Daddario and Kelly Rohrback (Two absurd people that I can't understand how they exist through genetics. They must have been made by some mad scientist in a lab trying to create the perfect human being, and damn, he came close). The only real nudity is in the form of a dead guy's dick. Which was more disturbing and disgusting than it was funny. It reminded me a lot of the equally uncomfortable morgue scene from Bad Boys 2, but nowehere near as tasteless.

As a comedy, it fails pretty hard. There is the odd funny moment (The Hoff's cameo is wonderful) scattered throughout the film, but most of it just mostly crude and lame. My favourite stuff was chemistry between Efron and Johnson who are both always reliable and extremely likeable. Dwayne Johnson makes charisma look effortless. I did also love the variations of mini Dwayne Johnson's in the aqarium of his character's home. Have to get it props for having outtakes in the closing credits. Have not seen that in a long time.

The absurdly attractive women of Baywatch

As an action film, Baywatch fails even harder. All the action is lame and uninspired and poorly shot. The CGI is some of the worst I've seen for a moderately budgeted film and the plot is widely uninterested. It doesn't help this whole thing goes on far too long for a comedy like this. Maybe at 90 minutes this could have been easier to stomach, but at 2 hours, it felt like it would never end.

That's Baywatch, one of my biggest disappointments of 2017 so far. An overlong, mostly unfunny, boring and misguided adaptation. What a waste of such a talented cast.

3/10 Dans

Baywatch is out now in cinemas in the UK
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