The Snowman (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written October 20th, 2017"

"Snow bad"

Where do I start with The Snowman? One of the biggest and most unexpected train wrecks of 2017. Nothing about this film indicated the utter mess it ended up being. It had an acclaimed director, Michael Fassbender, an intriguing story with interesting imagery. Yet, this somehow managed to be one of the worst films of the year.

I'm a sucker for a serial killer story. I recently just watched David Fincher's new Netflix show Mindhunter (Which is awesome. Check it out) so I was in the mood for decent serial killer film. I was a little put off and surprised by the critical bashing this film good, but I went to see it. I thought "It can't be that bad, can it?". Turns out it was.

Everything about The Snowman was a wreck. It's very rare that the cold opening before the main titles would indicate what you're about to see, but it's start spectacular bad. Within 5 minutes we've got horrific and unnecessary CGI, awful writing and some of worst and noticeable ADR I've ever seen in a studio film. I feel like this might have been directed by Tommy Wiseau, but with a moderate budget.

Things don't get better once Michael Fassbender enters the picture as the laughably named 'Harry Hole', seriously. That's the characters name. It was impossible not to laugh when someone said it out loud. Fassbender himself phones it in with a one-note and distant and cold detective character whose sole character traits are that he smokes and drinks a lot. Honestly, play a drinking game where you take a shot every time he smokes a cigarette. You'll be long dead by the end of the film.

I honestly had no idea what was happening with this story either. There are so many unnecessary and pointless sub-plots that only convoluted things and just felt there merely to stretch this thing to 2 hours. None of the links to the case made sense and none of the reveals felt earned. It's just a mess.

The one saving grace of the unnecessary plots was the inclusion of Val Kilmer in the form of flashbacks. It was one of the most bat-shit and insane performances of the year. What has happened to this man? He looks like the demented love-child of Brad Pitt and Tommy Wiseau. I'm pretty sure his voice was overdubbed by someone else too. It was insane. His few moments at least granted the film some "So bad, it's incredible" moments. Sadly, the rest of the film is lacking this.

I'd say a good 80% of the film is Michael Fassbender staring and acting like a dick or slow zoom ins of snowmen, which come off as laughable rather than eery. The only real and genuine positive I can give The Snowman is that it at least some some gorgeous looking scenery, which is nearly ruined at points by the poor direction. 


The Snowman is a train wreck. One of the worst films of the year. I never saw this coming. Laughably bad, poorly directed, incoherent and just mostly boring. I never thought I'd be adding a serial killer thriller starring Michael Fassbender to my worst of the year contenders, but hey ho, here we are. God help us all.

2/10 Dans

The Snowman is out now in cinemas in the UK
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X-Men: Apocalypse (2016) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written May 18th, 2016*

"Apocalyptic"

I am baffled by the mixed reviews X-Men: Apocalypse has been getting. Honestly, I am so confused. I've always found the X-Men franchise to be the most consistent of the superhero franchises at the moment, sure it's had its lows (The Last Stand and Origins: Wolverine), but in terms of cinematic film-making and meaningful storytelling, I've always felt this series has rose above the rest.

The ninth installment in the X-Men franchise takes us to 1983, set 10 years after the events of Days of Future Past. The oldest known mutant 'Apocalypse' awakens in the current day and vows to cleanse the Earth of life with the help of 4 mutants, so it's up to Professor Xavier, Mystique and new group of teenage X-Men to stop them.

I was a bit suspect with this, considering the reviews, some even said it was worst than The Last Stand, so I didn't know what I was in for, but to be honest, I thought it was great. Hell, it might even be my favourite film in the series so far.

I loved the new cast. It's the same characters we know from the original trilogy, but young and still getting to know their powers. Although the events from this film has made the timeline with these films an utter train wreck. I know Days of Future Past had the time travel stuff, but it's all so confusing, and that doesn't even include where Deadpool fits into this universe.

The strongest part of these new X-Men films has always been Michael Fassbender's Magneto, which was once again, amazing. His earlier scenes were extremely strong, emotionally resonant and oddly powerful when they needed to be. It's just shame he spends the second half of the film as a background sidekick to the inferior and less compelling Apocalypse.

The rest of the returning cast are great too, James McAvoy and Jennifer Lawrence are reliable as ever, but Evan Peters completely tops himself as Quicksilver once again by having one of the best and funniest scenes from any comic-book movie which managed to top his scene from the last one and make a mockery of the MCU version of Quicksilver, which is just laughable in comparison.

I was a bit disappointed by the setting. First Class captured the swinging '60s pretty well and Days of Future Past made use of its '70s setting, Apocalypse on the other hand does nothing with the '80s. Aside from a couple of music choices, this felt like it could have been set in any era. It was fun to see the younger mutants come out of a screening of Return of the Jedi, even taking the oppurtinity of taking a meta jab at The Last Stand by adressing "The third one is always the worst".

On the main villain side of things, Oscar Isaac, a very competent actor is wasted as Apocalypse. There were some things I liked with him. His voice was very intimidating and I the way he killed people was pretty cool at times. There's just no real motivation here for his character compared to say Magneto, who we've seen be torn down by humanity, so we can understand why he does what he does, Apocalypse is just wanting to destroy the world because well, I'm not too sure to be honest? Something about mankind having technology that can destroy them or something?

I was surprised at just how violent this was too, it really pushes boundaries at what a 12A/PG-13 can get away with. People are stabbed, decapitated and melted in pretty graphic ways and things get pretty grizzly and quite bloody when a certain X-Man makes a cameo in a brief but memorable scene. 

The action was pretty great though. I've always loved this series ability to have all these characters with different powers combine in fun and different ways. While the main action doesn't hit till the end of the film, it really worked. We've seen the massive, city-wide destruction before in superhero films, but here it feels like the actual stakes matter with characters we care about. It also helps that these films actual look and feel like real films, as opposed to the MCU's televisual look. 

I don't mean to take jabs at the MCU, but notice how they manage to tell a story without every other scene used to try and set-up other films. It's nice to have a franchise where each film can be watched as its own thing, sure they all connect, but you can pick any of these films up and they tell their own self-contained story.


Despite the mixed reviews, I found X-Men: Apocalypse to be another excellent entry in the X-Men franchise with another powerhouse performance from Michael Fassbender, great action, genuine emotional depth and characters you actually care about.

8/10 Dans

X-Men: Apocalypse is out now on 4K UHD, Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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Alien: Covenant (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written May 11th, 2017*

Well, Alien: Covenant is a noticeable improvement on Prometheus at the very least, but it still has a few of the same problems and I can't just help but feel a bit disappointed seeing as this was one of my most anticipated films of 2017.

Ridley Scott returns to the Alien universe once again with the direct sequel to the Alien prequel 'Prometheus' and it answers a few of the lingering questions Prometheus left behind and creates some new questions to be answered with the inevitable and planned sequels.

Alien: Covenant opens with a new crew and a new ship of future Xenomorph victims who decide to respond to a distress beacon on a previously unseen planet that is capable of holding alien life. Things soon go awry and get gory when they discover eveything is far from safe on this new planet.

Where Covenant improves on Prometheus is with its cast and sense of momentum. The crew of the Covenant are far more likeable and well rounded than anyone in the previous film, there's even a surprisingly good role for Danny McBride, who actually doesn't play Kenny Powers for once. There's an added sense of dread when it's revealed that the crew members are all actually married couples. Bringing a bit more weight once they start getting picked off one by one.

An ugly CGI Xenomorph

I was surprised at just how much it seems to follow the original Alien beat for beat. The lead character played by Katherine Waterson doesn't really have much focus until the final act, much like Ripley in the original. That said, Waterson cannot hold a candle to Sigourney Weaver, as her character is fine, but not massively worth investing in.
Michael Fassbender returns once again, delivering a wonderful dual role as two seperate androids (Playing both David from Prometheus and the new Walter). As sinister and terrifying as Fassbender's performance is, which does get more and more horrifying as more is revealed.

The problem with Covenant, is once again within the writing. It's all fairly straight forward, but once it hits the second act, it succumbs to that annoying self-important and pretentious philosophy that annoyed me more than anything. While it does also answer some questions from Prometheus, it does some frustrating and very disappointing things with it. Two well known actors who were confirmed to be in this film are wasted and pointlessly. There is an horrific visual with one of them, but it doesn't make up for the fact it wastes the actor completely.

Speaking of horrific visuals. Alien: Covenant really does earn its 15/R rating. It is so much more gory and horrific than Prometheus. With the new alien creatures involved, there's a variety of different ways these version of Xenomorphs burst out of people, some of these are sadly spoiled by the trailer, but it was none the less, horrific.

Sadly, once the fully grown Xenomorph enters the picture, the blood and gore sort of loses most of its impact. The Xenomorph itself is annoyingly all CGI, really noticeable CGI and seeing it tear through people lacks any sort of impact and has nowhere near the same effect of seeing that perfectly designed suit burst through someones head in 1979.

Lovely Fassbender

The aliens itself might be disappointing to look at, but everything else is gorgeous. The wide shots of the environments are beautiful to look at, brimming with detail. The ships also feel and look practical with no noticeable green screen in site. I have to give Ridley Scott credit, he's 79 and still making these huge blockbuster films and risky ones at that. Alien: Covenant is a weird film, it's really uneven and tonally messy, but it's also a massive budget R-rated sci-fi film, which is a rarity these days, so while I didn't massively love it, I hope people support it and it is succesful.

I did really like the end at least. It was predictable, but it was at least a fun nihlistic ending that puts the series in an interesting place for the next entry. I would have liked the third act as a whole more if they'd gone a bit more practical with it. They seem to have gone back to its roots with its finale, but it loses most of its tension and fear thanks to that terrible CGI Xenomorph.

Alien: Covenant isn't a great film and I am a bit disappointed, but it is a marginal improvement on Prometheus and a step in the right direction for the franchise, it also might be the best in the series since Aliens.

6/10 Dans

Alien: Covenant is out now in cinemas in the UK
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Prometheus (2012) - Film Review

Review:
*Originally written May 11th, 2017*

On the road to Alien: Covenant, I decided to revisit every film in the Alien series (Excluding AVP, although I did shamefully rewatch those recently by mistake). With Covenant landing tomorrow, I finally got to Prometheus, the first prequel in the franchise.

This might be the fifth viewing of Prometheus for me since its release in 2012, and it is still the confused and frustrating experience I remember it being. I did at least appreciate a few things a bit more this time around, although my opinion still leans towards a negative overall feeling towards the film.

I know Prometheus was never intended as a direct prequel to Alien when it was made and released, but seeing as it is now part of a series leading up to the original Alien, it feels a bit messy. I do like that we're leading up to the eventually creation/discovery of the Xenomorph race, I even didn't mind the that little stinger at the end of that baby proto-xeno thing, but everything with the giant albino aliens was laughable at best.

Some giant albino alien *Shrugs*

It's a common criticism of Prometheus, but still a criticism. This film asks way more questions that it answers, which isn't a big concern, in fact it could be a positive if I was invested in these characters or journey, but I'm not. My biggest problem is the characters. I never once cared for any of these crew members, who range from annoying to stupid. Aside from Michael Fassbender bringing more class than the rest of the cast put together, everyone is wasted and forgettable.

I can suspend my disbelief so far, but it is borderline insulting to the audience when the script treats them to the dumbest scientists possibly to ever be put on screen. They do things no real human being would do, it's more script based than the actors fault, but these characters are frustrating to say the least. On top of these dumb characters, the script is full of cringe-worthy and terrible lines.

It is quite amazing that Michael Fassbender is playing an emotionless android, but manages to bring more life to his character than anyone else in Prometheus. Some of my favourite scenes were from the short time we see with him on the ship during the opening where he's just passing the time by watching Lawrence of Arabia and imitating what he saw in the mirror.

Michael Fassbender and Android 'David'

The biggest shame really is that this was director Ridley Scott's first time back into the Alien universe since his 1979 masterpiece that started it all. None of the personal terror or shock is there. It all feels bloated and up its own arse with its self-important philosophy on gods and where humans came from. I'm not asking for a mindless slasher fest, but something a bit more than this.

While Prometheus feels insanely tame for a film in the Alien series, there is one geniune moments of body-horror involving a self-induced abortion that was harrowing to watch, it was probably one of the most nerve-wracking scenes in the entire franchise.

Visually at least, Prometheus really is a feast for the eyes. Every scene is detailed, beautiful and filled with information. A lot of sets are practical and feel lived in, which I have to praise. even the CGI doesn't feel distracting, as it looks really, really good. I particuarly loved the the hologram maps.

Prometheus is a frustrating and unrewarding experience, it also doesn't have much to offer for Alien fans thanks to its terrible script, bland characters and general messiness, but for whatever reason, I seem to come back to it frequently.

5/10 Dans

Prometheus is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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