Mile 22 (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written September 25th, 2018*

Peter Berg and Mark Wahlberg have come together to make some of the most entertaining Hollywood films about real life disasters in recent years, so I was pretty interested in them teaming up for a fictional action film. Sadly, the results are for from great. In fact it's a completely disaster that wastes any potential it had.

Mile 22 is a complete mess on all fronts. A jumbled mess of poor editing decisions, horrific performances and laughably bad dialogue. I never saw this coming. At the very least I expected a throwaway action film in the vein of Olympus/London Has Fallen or American Assassin or another genuinely thrilling film from duo. I didn't even get anywhere close to that.

I was more reminded of David Ayer's Sabotage, which I kind of appreciated for its unhinged brutality and utter obnoxiousness of douchebaggery. Mile 22 suffers from that same problem of a completely unlikable cast, but at least Sabotage had a decent Arnie performance, well shot action and an engaging mystery at the centre of it. 

I could not get over how irritating Mark Wahlberg was in this. His character is a maniac. Talking like he's done 4 grams of coke in less than 5 minutes and does not shut the fuck up. Every moment of dialogue with another character feels like in a video game when you skip through the dialogue and only hear snippets of the conversation. It's barbarically annoying and failed to make me take in what anyone was saying. Then Wahlberg's character had a tick of snapping an elastic band round his arm (Which I do too) as a way of dealing with stress or anxiety. 

That's pretty much all we learn of Wahlberg's character through the entire run-time, which is only 90 minutes, so they blast us with his entire backstory during the opening credits, which was just such a cheap and lazy way of doing things that I'd pretty much checked out already.

The rest of Wahlberg's special ops team fare the very same. Completely underdeveloped with no personality of their own. Aside from Lauren Cohan's messy and unnecessary divorce subplot (Which I can only imagine was added to make this thing stretch out to a marketable run-time), I could not tell you a single thing about this team. Ronda Rousey is utterly atrocious, with strange and stilted delivery, making me nearly burst out laughing at every attempt of her "Acting". A problem with not bothering to get you attached to these characters, is that when they start dying and they get their "Hero" death moments, you really don't care and these explosive death moments are just met with a collective shrug.

The minor highlight is within The Raid's Iko Uwais, who seems to have a hard time working with English material, but always manages to exceed when it comes to all the martial arts stuff. He's one of the few bright spots of Mile 22 and I hope he continues to get roles in bigger stuff that deserves his practical skills.

It's a shame that Uwais's martial arts skills are utterly tarnished by some of the worst editing I've seen in a Hollywood film since Taken 3. There are flashes of excellence in the action and there is some really gnarly stuff here (It earns its rare 18 rating that we don't get enough of these days), but it's hard to enjoy when they decide to add 6 different cuts into a mere second of footage. It's so disorienting at makes things so hard to follow and some of later action scenes did such a poor job of spacial awareness that I had an awful time figuring out where everyone was in the area. 

I could argue that I had a good time with Mile 22 though. It is so gun-ho, batshit and insane with its poor script and dialogue that I was on the edge of my seat with what utter nonsense was going to happen next. And in that way I was pleasantly surprised, just when I thought the film couldn't get any worse, it just managed to top itself, again and again. Even making way for the second best twist of the year, right behind Den of Thieves. It even sets up a sequel in a similar way. The only difference is that Den of Thieves is actually going to get to tell the rest of its story, no chance in hell will Mill 22 get to.


God bless cinema. It's both alive and dead, while Mark Wahlberg and Peter Berg are just dancing around in the dried out hollow corpse of cinema to make garbage like this. Good luck next time, guys. I know you have better in you.

3/10 Dans

Mile 22 is out now in cinemas in the UK
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Pain and Gain (2013) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written June 11th, 2015*

Pain and Gain is a film that shows people can still surprise you. That person being Michael Bay, one of the worst directors of all-time, a man responsible for some of the biggest cinematic abortions of our time: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Bad Boys 2, and the very worst of them all... Transformers: Age of Extinction. He's a director whose films are bombastic, tasteless, racist, disgusting, obnoxious and portray women in a way that sends films back to the stone age.

I have no idea what happened here, but Pain and Gain is great. It's funny, it's violent and the story is interesting throughout. It tells the true story (The film even reminds you that when the more disturbing and crazy things happen) of Daniel Lugo and his American dream ambitions which involve kidnap and extortion. These things get out of had and the kidnap escalates to murder and torture. 

It may seem tasteless, taking these horrible events and putting into a film that is mostly a comedy. While it certainly is an acquired taste if you're able to laugh at something this dark. It worked for me, but there will certainly be people who find this offensive and disgusting.

The film has the usual Michael Bay flare and trademarks, as much as I hate him, I can't knock him for his visual style. It opens with a super slow-motion shot of the end of the film, accompanied by an excellent score, which was done by the guy who did the music for the Transformers films and a lot of other garbage. He must have been on a good day as well.

The cast are excellent. This is probably Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson's first real acting performance. He is probably the closest thing we have to a likeable character here, you feel sorry for him because he's an ex-con trying to change. Mark Wahlberg is great here too, playing an asshole, who you root for (Mostly)


If you only have to see one Michael Bay film in your life, make it this one. Pain and Gain might be a little much for some, but it's a blast and a lot of fun. There's an argument for this being absolutely tasteless and offensive, turning these horrific crimes into a satirical swipe at the American Dream, but I feel that's what Bay was aiming for, and he succeeded well.

8/10 Dans

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All the Money in the World (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written January 9th, 2017*

"All the Plummer in the World"

Ridley Scott's All the Money in the World will be remembered more for the controversy surrounding Kevin Spacey's removal due to his sexual harassment claims, which in all honesty, is more interesting than the actually film itself.

This is pretty middle of the road Ridley Scott. He's a director who just isn't capable of the greatness he once was. This is far more in line with the director of Body of Lies or American Gangster than the man who created masterpieces like Blade Runner or Alien. There's a fascinating true story here about the kidnap of the grandson of a billionaire and the reluctance to pay the ransom. It's just a shame that is completely by the numbers.

This is by no means a bad film, but it is massively overlong and drags so much. The opening act jumps around in time giving us backstory to all these characters, which wasn't really needed. Scenes that feel they should have tension really don't. There are some moments during the kidnap that are quite engaging, but it doesn't last or it cuts to something else. 

The whole thing surrounding Kevin Spacey is an odd one. We'll sadly never see the Spacey cut, but Christopher Plummer does steal the show as the utterly sadistic and sociopathic Paul Getty. A man who is essential a live-action portrayal of Mr. Krabs from Spongebob Squarepants. While his performance is a little hammy and over the top, it is certainly effective and elevated the film with his presence.

Michelle Williams also delivers an excellent performance as the mother of the kidnapped grandson, I was a bit distracted by her accent at first, but she quickly won me over. Mark Wahlberg was also well.... Mark Wahlberg, doing his usual Mark Wahlberg thing, don't get me wrong, I really like Mark Wahlberg, but there's something off about him in serious and not goofy roles that are much more suited to him.

I hate to say it, but if he was still alive, this would feel far more suited to Tony Scott, who has always been better at this sort of film than his brother. Scott's direction here is very bland and forgettable, I'm going to have trouble remembering anything about this that wasn't Christopher Plummer in a few days.


All the Money in the World isn't terrible, but it is very forgettable and lacks the tension a story like this deserves. It's lesser Scott and is saved mostly due to Christopher Plummer's excellent performance.

6/10 Dans

All the Money in the World is out now in cinemas in the UK
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Deepwater Horizon (2016) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written October 6th, 2016*

"Water way to have a good time"

I have a good history with disaster films. I grew up watching them and loving them. Peter Berg’s films on the other hand…. I hated Battleship (like most) and I found Lone Survivor to be a shameless army recruitment film that cashed-in on the lives of soldiers that were lost. Deepwater Horizon is another story. It’s a heartfelt and powerful action drama that pays tribute to the victims of this avoidable incident and gives us some pretty spectacular, but not gratuitous action. Films like this draw a thin towards being “destruction porn” which makes light of tragedy by giving us bombastic action with none of the substance, and that can be taken as tasteless. Deepwater manages to deliver its explosive action and gives us characters to care for. Making Deepwater Horizon compelling viewing.

Mark Wahlberg is front and centre here and he’s as reliable and lovable as he always is. It’s almost impossible not to love that goofy little face and childlike eyes. We’re given the most time with his character, with the opening scenes building up the relationship with his daughter and wife, which rings true and brought an emotional core to the film. It even made way for a very emotionally devastating finale that gave me a gut-punch I never would have expected from a film like this. Wahlberg’s performance in the final moments reminded me of Tom Hanks in the excellent Captain Phillips from 2016. The rest of the cast fare well too. Kurt Russell stands out and John Malkovich gives a strange accent, I’m not entirely sure what he was going for?

Malkovich is also the closest thing Deepwater Horizon has to a bad guy, but he’s really not, he’s just an arrogant guy who makes a mistake. A fatal mistake, but a human mistake. I really liked that about how it was handled, they easily could have given a cartoony bad guy we all wanted to see die, but we didn’t and there’s was a very quick shot of Malkovich that showed in his face the horror and regret of what had happened over the events of the night. It was minor, but it bought a lot to the character. Deepwater briefly explores who the blame was for this incident, but only in fleeting moments, I wish that was explored a little more.

While the build-up to the actual disaster is earned, when things kick-off, it is non-stop. Once that explosion happens, you don’t get a chance to breathe and it has some of the best design and action I’ve seen in 2016. The sets are detailed and feel real, the explosions look genuine and dangerous. I’m sure CGI was used, but everything looked and felt real. The sound design is also wonderful, the score from Steve Jablonsky was really good too, it delivered emotion and intensity without feeling manipulative. Everything mixed together to make for a truly spectacular and beautiful spectacle. While it feels a bit wrong to call a film about a tragedy “Beautiful”, Deepwater Horizon is beautiful. There is breathtaking cinematography in the latter half of the film, the fire was great to look at. The whole film has a gritty and realistic feel to it, but it doesn’t lack in style and visceral action, which is one the few things I agree Berg had a knack for in Lone Survivor. I feel he’s really improved as a director between this and Lone Survivor and I can’t wait to see his next film ‘Patriots Day’ which is about the Boston Bombings and also stars Mark Wahlberg and is out later this year.

Peter Berg directs the hell out of this film, delivering a truly intense, but heartfelt memorial to the victims of the event. Deepwater Horizon is the best disaster film of the year. A powerful, well acted and intense action drama that never feels dishonest and exploiting that tragedy, but instead pays tribute to those who were lost.

8/10 Dans

Deepwater Horizon is out now on 4K UHD, Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written June 27th, 2017*

"Kill me" 
 
It's been well established that I don't like the Transformers films by this point. Well, I don't mind the first one, but even after 3 terrible films in a row from the series, I'm still willing to give Michael Bay a chance. Oh, god. Why am I so naive and willing to watch any film thrown my way?

I'll start with the good. It's better than Age of Extinction at the very least. It's also 15 minutes shorter than Extinction, but still coming in at an absurd 150 minutes. Why do people let Michael Bay make films this long? He does realise he can make more fans and get critical acclaim if he actually listens to his criticisms, right?

The only other minor good things I have to say about The Last Knight are some of the more insane and absurd ideas on display and the underused performance of child actress Isabela Moner. The crazier stuff I wish were explored and embraced more. We find out more convoluted history behind the Transformers and their place in human history. They were involved in everything, from King Arthur to World War 2 (We even find out Hitler was killed by a Transformer). These are the more interesting things we see brief things of, but would have made for a much more interesting film overall.

Then we get to the bad. The most obvious thing, which I have mentioned, is the length. It's absurd. I was ready for this to end about 40 minutes before it finished. I was so bored and exhausted by this whole display of nonsense. Much like the last one, it just went on and on until it abruptly ended. It was a soul-crushing experience. One I wouldn't want to wish upon anyone.

The Last Knight feels like Michael Bay throwing so much shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. The story is a needlessly convoluted mess. I had no idea what was happening. I got there was some world ending artifact that had to be kept out of Decepticon hands to save Earth. It's all just material that has been used for every Transformers film since 2007. This series has been stuck in limbo for 10 years now, nothing's changed, nothing is new. We're watching the same recycled crap over and over again. People complain about this in superhero films, but this is the real problem, at least superhero films use their formula well.

It was also embarassing to see such respected actors reduce themselves to this level of nonsense. Anthony Hopkins has the time of his life reducing himself to a joke with such lame and cringy lines such as "that's a bitchin' ride". Steve Buscemi also has a small role, that's not really of note. Wahlberg was as good as he was in the last one, just meh and serviceable. It was funny to see Shia LeBeouf have a small (sorta) cameo that at least remembers where the series once was. We also have a hot blonde in here, who is nothing more than cleavage and eye candy for the audience. Fuck you, Bay.

What really pissed me off about The Last Knight was how misleading a lot of the trailers were. One of them seemed like the film was different tonally, that we would be focusing on some new child actors discovering Transformers, and I actually liked the idea of that. Well, it was a huge lie, aside from one of the kids, they were in it for one scene. The one kid who sticks around was barely in it, which was a shame, as the child performance was actually quite good and her character was far more interesting and compelling than anyone else.

The trailers also made a big deal out of the whole "Optimus Prime being evil" thing and having a big showdown with Bumblebee. Well, holy shit. You will be in for a disappointment. Prime is absent for nearly all of the film and shows up in the last 20 minutes and his stint at being evil lasts a little more than 5 minutes and is solved by the 2017 equivelant of the "Martha" moment from Batman V Superman. I was shocked and appalled.

Oh, there is a huge and misguided mistake The Last Knight made, and this is the changing aspect ratios. Jesus Christ, what a distracting mess that was. Every scene the aspect ratio changes from shot to shot, giving the film an irritating and inconsistent visual style. I don't know what the fuck Bay was thinking? I know he's a self-inulgent twat, but who let him do this? In what possible way would this be a good idea to anyone? I was hoping this would stop being noticeable after a few minutes, but I was reminded of it through the entire 150 minute runtime.

I feel I should comment on the action, because for some reason, people seem to think that the Transformers films are somehow worth it for the action. It's not, it was another round of boring and bombastic explosions that left no impact, ruined by muddled editing and that annoying aspect ratio mess. There are some good ideas lying within the action, like the brief moment of Bumblebee fighting Nazis, but it was over far too soon to make any sort of impact. The rest of action is just as soul-draining, relentless and as boring as the rest of this mess. Hell, at least the visual effects were better than the last one.

Please let The Last Knight be the final film Michael Bay ever touches in this series. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Fuck, I don't even know how much I even like films anymore after this incoherrent, boring, overlong and self-indulgent mess. Fuck you, Michael Bay.

2/10 Dans

Transformers: The Last Knight is out now in cinemas in the UK
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The Happening (2008) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written June 11th, 2017*

 "It was the fucking plants, man"

While entertaining and watchable, there's no denying that The Happening is a laughably bad film. I saw this nearly 10 years ago and hadn't seen it since. Wow. I forgot how bad it is.

The script is garbage. The performances are god-awful (Zooey Deschanel in particular) and the whole film is nonsense. This could have been a fun B-movie if it didn't take itself so seriously, despite being so unintentionally funny. Characters jump to and make conclusions out of nowhere in the silliest ways possible. I think the funniest part of this whole ordeal is seeing Wahlberg play against type and being a school teacher rather than a criminal or cop.

I think it funny that this was billed as M. Night Shyamalan's first "R" rated film, but in the UK, has the same age rating as most of his other films due to our retarded censorship on tame horror films. The Sixth Sense is rated 15. Fucking LOL. That said, this is easily the most violent and grizzly out of all of M. Night's films.

The bursts of gore and variety of suicide scenes keeps The Happening watchable, but frustrating as it creates an interesting idea that nature turns against humanity after all we've done to it. Which is what I assume the message and point of the film is?

That's The Happening, a film deservedly ridiculed because of how bad it is. A film that Mark Wahlberg publicly mocked because "It was the fucking plants, man". I agree, it was the fucking plants. What nonsense this was. At least M. Night's career has picked up again after this and a couple more duds.

3/10 Dans

The Happening is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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