Bumblebee (2018) - Cinema Review

Review:

*Originally written January 1st, 2019*

After ruining the franchise with 5 increasingly bombastic, racist and just downright horrible films, I doubt there was much audience faith left the Transformers franchise thanks to Michael Bay's "Contributions" to cinema. Thankfully, Bay's awful touch is nowhere to be seen in this sweet, touching and incredibly fun prequel film focusing on the mute yellow Transformer Bumblebee.

I was excited for this due to Travis Knight directing (I loved Kubo and the Two Strings), he'd never done a live-action film before, but he proved his delicate touch worked to make a genuinely sweet and focused Transformers film that is far better than anything that's come before it and stands with some of the best blockbusters of the year.

Hailee Steinfeld is a complete joy and is far more watchable than the annoying Shia LeBeouf and the weirdly racist Mark Wahlberg in the previous films. Her character is arc is simple and it works, and she is so likeable as a lead. Being set in the '80s gives way to a wonderful John Hughes tone and homages to his films, plus a killer soundtrack. 

The action is far more scaled-back and easier to follow, it's much smaller than the city destroying bombast of the Bay films, which in all honesty, makes me care more. It's still giant robots punching each other, but it's done with much more energy and emotional weight than the previous films, making us actually care.

At its core, it's a little similar to the first Transformers film, it's someone finding out their new car is a Transformer and having to deal with that while hiding it from the government searching for it. The difference here is, we actually spend a lot of time with Bumblebee and Steinfeld bonding, she shows him music of their era and gets him to watch Breakfast Club on VHS. It's wonderful and genuinely funny at times, thanks to their dynamic. And it's just so refreshing to watch one of these films without Bay's weird racism and perversion, which had no place in this franchise considering they are kids films after all.

It's helps being a full 40 minutes shorter than the last few films too and the Transformers themselves having their original designs and not those weird and creepy robotic lips which are just off-putting. Bumblebee flies by in no time and it's the first film in this series where I actually wanted more when it ended. The Transformers franchise is actually worth watching again, all it took was getting a new director and getting rid of every awful decision Michael Bay added.


I'm really hoping Bumblebee does well, because this new start for the franchise is far more worthy of 4 sequels than the previous ones are. I just hope we get Travis Knight and Hailee Steinfeld back for future films, because I actually give a shit about these things for the first time since I was about 11. A fun, fast and sweet ride, Bumblebee is one of the biggest surprises of 2018.

8/10 Dans

Bumblebee is out now in cinemas in the UK, with a 4K UHD steelbook available to pre-order from HMV

Watch the trailer below:

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Bottom 10 Films of 2017

While it's been an excellent overall year for films, that doesn't change the fact there has been some absolute garbage. I've refrained from adding straight-to-DVD films because that would be too easy. The rules are the same, films released in 2017 (UK release dates) and some dishonourable mentions. Let's get to it and give me some Vietnam style PTSD from having to remember them films existed. There'll also be links to the full review of the films I did review.

10. Power Rangers

What could have been dumb fun turned out to be a mercilessly dull and self-serious take on a campy kids action series. It was more in line with 2015's Fantastic Four than anything close to fun. A laughably bad tonal mess with an outrageous amount of Krispy Kreme product placement.

9. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Let's be honest, the Resident Evil films have never been much good, and this isn't even the worst one, which is a hell of an achievement. A incomprehensible mess of poor editing and pitch black lighting, making the action impossible to follow and extremely boring. The title is also just a complete lie. It's time for a reboot.

8. The Snowman

One of the strangest messes of the year. The Snowman had no right to be as bad it was. A bland and boring serial killer drama with one of the most laughably bad performances of the year from Val Kilmer, who now looks like the weird love child of Brad Pitt and Tommy Wiseau.

7. Unforgettable

Somehow this film got made. A film that was barely TV movie quality and somehow managed to push the portrayal of women back a few decades. Katherine Heigl was at least fun to see go so over the top, but for the most part, it was just tacky shit.

6. Flatliners

There's not a lot to say about Flatliners, a remake that was disguised as a sequel, yet had absolutely no relation to original, despite Kiefer Sutherland reprising his role from the original, but he wasn't even the same character. A poor remake that has quickly and thankfully been forgotten already.

5. Killing Gunther

I'm a sucker for anything with Arnie in it. So was kinda excited for Killing Gunther, an action comedy with a novel idea. The end product turned out to be a cheap piece of VOD garbage that has Arnie in it for 10 minutes, and when he is on screen, he's just rehashing famous one-liners to cringe-worthy extent. Embarrassing. 

4. The Bye-Bye Man

The Bye Bye Man is pathetic, a laughably terrible and cheap teen horror film that does nothing right. The tagline for the film comes as a warning about the film itself.

3. The Emoji Movie

I came to a realisation while watching The Emoji Movie. Live is meaningless and nothing we do matters.

2. Fifty Shades Darker

Somehow Fifty Shades Darker managed to be even more awful than the first. There's still the laughable novelty of hearing some of the most cringe-worthy dialogue of the year, but it's mostly just dull and boring. This one at least had some of the most outrageous and out of nowhere plot developments that went nowhere. At least there's just one more of these to go and I imagine you'll be seeing that on my bottom 10 of 2018 too.

1. Transformers: The Last Knight

While barely better than the previous entry, Age of Extinction. The Last Knight is still just cinema at its worst. Barbarically overlong, stupid and boring, filled with Bay's trademark childish humour and action that has just got tired by this point in the series. I'd never wanted to die as much as I did after watching this steaming turd of a film.

Dishonourable mentions:

1. iBoy

2. Rings

3. Hidden Figures

4. xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

5. The Boss Baby

6. The Belko Experiment

7. Geostorm

8. Rough Night

9. Sandy Wexler

10. The Assignment

There we go. Now let's enjoy another year of potentially awful films! Salud! 

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Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written June 27th, 2017*

"Kill me" 
 
It's been well established that I don't like the Transformers films by this point. Well, I don't mind the first one, but even after 3 terrible films in a row from the series, I'm still willing to give Michael Bay a chance. Oh, god. Why am I so naive and willing to watch any film thrown my way?

I'll start with the good. It's better than Age of Extinction at the very least. It's also 15 minutes shorter than Extinction, but still coming in at an absurd 150 minutes. Why do people let Michael Bay make films this long? He does realise he can make more fans and get critical acclaim if he actually listens to his criticisms, right?

The only other minor good things I have to say about The Last Knight are some of the more insane and absurd ideas on display and the underused performance of child actress Isabela Moner. The crazier stuff I wish were explored and embraced more. We find out more convoluted history behind the Transformers and their place in human history. They were involved in everything, from King Arthur to World War 2 (We even find out Hitler was killed by a Transformer). These are the more interesting things we see brief things of, but would have made for a much more interesting film overall.

Then we get to the bad. The most obvious thing, which I have mentioned, is the length. It's absurd. I was ready for this to end about 40 minutes before it finished. I was so bored and exhausted by this whole display of nonsense. Much like the last one, it just went on and on until it abruptly ended. It was a soul-crushing experience. One I wouldn't want to wish upon anyone.

The Last Knight feels like Michael Bay throwing so much shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. The story is a needlessly convoluted mess. I had no idea what was happening. I got there was some world ending artifact that had to be kept out of Decepticon hands to save Earth. It's all just material that has been used for every Transformers film since 2007. This series has been stuck in limbo for 10 years now, nothing's changed, nothing is new. We're watching the same recycled crap over and over again. People complain about this in superhero films, but this is the real problem, at least superhero films use their formula well.

It was also embarassing to see such respected actors reduce themselves to this level of nonsense. Anthony Hopkins has the time of his life reducing himself to a joke with such lame and cringy lines such as "that's a bitchin' ride". Steve Buscemi also has a small role, that's not really of note. Wahlberg was as good as he was in the last one, just meh and serviceable. It was funny to see Shia LeBeouf have a small (sorta) cameo that at least remembers where the series once was. We also have a hot blonde in here, who is nothing more than cleavage and eye candy for the audience. Fuck you, Bay.

What really pissed me off about The Last Knight was how misleading a lot of the trailers were. One of them seemed like the film was different tonally, that we would be focusing on some new child actors discovering Transformers, and I actually liked the idea of that. Well, it was a huge lie, aside from one of the kids, they were in it for one scene. The one kid who sticks around was barely in it, which was a shame, as the child performance was actually quite good and her character was far more interesting and compelling than anyone else.

The trailers also made a big deal out of the whole "Optimus Prime being evil" thing and having a big showdown with Bumblebee. Well, holy shit. You will be in for a disappointment. Prime is absent for nearly all of the film and shows up in the last 20 minutes and his stint at being evil lasts a little more than 5 minutes and is solved by the 2017 equivelant of the "Martha" moment from Batman V Superman. I was shocked and appalled.

Oh, there is a huge and misguided mistake The Last Knight made, and this is the changing aspect ratios. Jesus Christ, what a distracting mess that was. Every scene the aspect ratio changes from shot to shot, giving the film an irritating and inconsistent visual style. I don't know what the fuck Bay was thinking? I know he's a self-inulgent twat, but who let him do this? In what possible way would this be a good idea to anyone? I was hoping this would stop being noticeable after a few minutes, but I was reminded of it through the entire 150 minute runtime.

I feel I should comment on the action, because for some reason, people seem to think that the Transformers films are somehow worth it for the action. It's not, it was another round of boring and bombastic explosions that left no impact, ruined by muddled editing and that annoying aspect ratio mess. There are some good ideas lying within the action, like the brief moment of Bumblebee fighting Nazis, but it was over far too soon to make any sort of impact. The rest of action is just as soul-draining, relentless and as boring as the rest of this mess. Hell, at least the visual effects were better than the last one.

Please let The Last Knight be the final film Michael Bay ever touches in this series. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Fuck, I don't even know how much I even like films anymore after this incoherrent, boring, overlong and self-indulgent mess. Fuck you, Michael Bay.

2/10 Dans

Transformers: The Last Knight is out now in cinemas in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

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Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written March 12th, 2017*

"More Bayhem"

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is an odd beast of a film. It never reaches the level of fun seen in the first, but it's streets ahead of the absymal trainwreck that was 'Revenge of the Fallen'.

I'm amazed the studio let Michael Bay return after the last films shambles, but whatever, he's back and he made the film 155 minutes long. Think of that, a film about fighting robots is over 2 and a half hours long, and it's not even the longest in the series. That's absurd.

It's also the third and currently final appearance of the Witwicky clan. They are still just the worst. Annoying, vexing and borderline unbearable like all the humour in this film. As bad as all the humour gets, nothing gets as irritating as the Witwicky family shenanigans.

John Turtorro and his new assistant Alan Tudyk are also brutal. Then they somehow got John Malkovich for a role I can only describe as "bizarre". That's without even getting into all the racial, sexist and homophobic stuff that's a staple of Michael Bay's films.

Tonally, Dark of the Moon is at war with itself. We go from these lame and crude jokes to scenes of innocent people getting slaughtered in these surprisingly gruesome and dark scenes that feel so out of place. This film needed better writers and a better director to make it feel natural. These films are based on kids toys, they shouldn't be this dark and miserable.

There is at least some fun to be had here. It goes on far too long, but the final battle in Chicago is pretty spectacular at times and features some really inventive set-pieces, including a scene involving a collapsing building, which was oddly a lot more thrilling than I remember.

That's where the good ends though. There are some interesting ideas. I like the thought of incorparating the Transformers into real world history, leading to an unexpected cameo from Buzz Aldrin playing himself. All these neat ideas are collapsed under the plot heavy and convoluted story. I honestly have no real idea what was going on by the end, and I was pretty numb from all the mindless action. There's also the "portal in the sky" end of the world thing that has become so tired and overdone on display here. I can't blame the film for that, as it was probably one of the first to do it, but still, it's pretty tiring to see.

One of the more interesting things was Megan Fox being replaced by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. The behind the scenes drama caused Fox to be replaced, but in all honesty, Whiteley is pretty annoying. Bay's perversion also causing her to be nothing more than a sex object. One of the opening scenes is nothing more than a tracking shot of her ass as she's walking up the stairs. Bay is just a disgusting pervert.

Dark of the Moon is a step-up from the previous film, but it once again fails due to its horribly racial, homophobic and sexist humour, Bay's gratuitous and misogynist direction and above all, it's too long by at least 40 minutes.

4/10 Dans

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

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Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) - Film Review

Review:

Jesus. I finally got to this again. Transformers: Age of Extinction. A soul-crushing, exhausting and draining piece of trash that is easily the lowest point of both the Transformers series and Michael Bay's career. Nothing in this film works. It's 165 minutes long. 165 minutes.... Who let this happen?
Working as a soft-reboot of the series, Age of Extinction gives us a new protaganist in the form of an inventor, Cade, played by Mark Wahlberg, who is at the very least, more tolerable than any of the Witwicky family. It's just a shame he's shoved in the middle of such a bloated, boring and dead-brained script.

Bumblebee

You should know what to expect from this series by now, but it's just not been fun since the first. The story is needlessly convoluted once again. The characters are all horrible. Wahlberg brings some of that wide-eyed goofy charm, but his character is oddly racist to the Irish boyfriend of his daughter.

The script makes every character just awful. The boyfriend of Wahlberg's daughter comes off as a creepy pervert as he carries round a bit of paper stating a law that gives him a loophole to date a 17 year old girl (He's 20). It's just so unneeded, weird and disgusting. No one else at particuarly memorable. T.J. Miller has a couple of funny lines, but leaves the film very early.

One of the biggest problems with Age of Extinction is its absurd length, which I mentioned before and with all the previous films in this series. This is the longest one so far, as it borders 3 hours. It's insane. I nearly cried when I saw there was still an hour left. It broke me and wore me down until there was nothing left of me.

Mark Wahlberg, Nicola Peltz and Jack Raynor

Not even the action or CGI hold up this time. Most of the character models still look great, as much as they did in previous films, but there is some weird stuff that looks like it was pulled out the '90s. It's unacceptable that a film this expensive should have special effects that bad.

The action is all borderline incomprehensible with its abhorrent shakey-cam and Bay's lack of self-restraint, making it near impossible to make out what was happening at times. There is just too much going on during the scene, making everything just seem like noise. I started zoning out and started thinking about all the collateral damage caused by all this chaos rather than enjoying it.

The score is trash too. Adding cringe-worthy lyrics into the music in order to try and earn some sort of emotional response from its audience, who should not care at all what is happening based on the poor storytelling and horrible characters.

Age of Extinction really is the worst of Bay. He's a director I despise, who sometimes surprises me (Pain and Gain, The Rock), but for the most part, his filmography is nothing more than the adolescent wet dreams for 13 year old boys. As a 20 year old, Bay really has nothing to offer me anymore. I always forget that Bay is also a 40 year old man. It's embarassing.

Optimus Prime

The only real thing I can think I liked about Age of Extinction is that it at least carries on from the aftermath of the events of the previous film and sees humanity turn on the Transformers for all the death and destruction they caused in Chicago. Which is something Batman V Superman and Captain America: Civil War did better, but that's not the point, Age of Extinction beat them to it.

Transformers: Age of Extinction isn't a film. It's a near 3 hour barrage of overdone action, CGI and spectacle in favour of anything close to good storytelling. The action and spectacle aren't even well done or exciting, it's just boring and tired by this point.

This was also meant to be Bay's final film in the series for him (As was Dark of the Moon), but he's returning for this years 'The Last Knight'. I don't expect much from it, but if it's any worse than this one, then god help us all.

1/10 Dans

Transformers: Age of Extinction is out now on Blu-ray and DVD now in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

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