*Originally written October 20th, 2017"
"Snow bad"
Where do I start with The Snowman? One of the biggest and most unexpected train wrecks of 2017. Nothing about this film indicated the utter mess it ended up being. It had an acclaimed director, Michael Fassbender, an intriguing story with interesting imagery. Yet, this somehow managed to be one of the worst films of the year.
I'm a sucker for a serial killer story. I recently just watched David Fincher's new Netflix show Mindhunter (Which is awesome. Check it out) so I was in the mood for decent serial killer film. I was a little put off and surprised by the critical bashing this film good, but I went to see it. I thought "It can't be that bad, can it?". Turns out it was.
Everything about The Snowman was a wreck. It's very rare that the cold opening before the main titles would indicate what you're about to see, but it's start spectacular bad. Within 5 minutes we've got horrific and unnecessary CGI, awful writing and some of worst and noticeable ADR I've ever seen in a studio film. I feel like this might have been directed by Tommy Wiseau, but with a moderate budget.
Things don't get better once Michael Fassbender enters the picture as the laughably named 'Harry Hole', seriously. That's the characters name. It was impossible not to laugh when someone said it out loud. Fassbender himself phones it in with a one-note and distant and cold detective character whose sole character traits are that he smokes and drinks a lot. Honestly, play a drinking game where you take a shot every time he smokes a cigarette. You'll be long dead by the end of the film.
I honestly had no idea what was happening with this story either. There are so many unnecessary and pointless sub-plots that only convoluted things and just felt there merely to stretch this thing to 2 hours. None of the links to the case made sense and none of the reveals felt earned. It's just a mess.
The one saving grace of the unnecessary plots was the inclusion of Val Kilmer in the form of flashbacks. It was one of the most bat-shit and insane performances of the year. What has happened to this man? He looks like the demented love-child of Brad Pitt and Tommy Wiseau. I'm pretty sure his voice was overdubbed by someone else too. It was insane. His few moments at least granted the film some "So bad, it's incredible" moments. Sadly, the rest of the film is lacking this.
I'd say a good 80% of the film is Michael Fassbender staring and acting like a dick or slow zoom ins of snowmen, which come off as laughable rather than eery. The only real and genuine positive I can give The Snowman is that it at least some some gorgeous looking scenery, which is nearly ruined at points by the poor direction.
The Snowman is a train wreck. One of the worst films of the year. I never saw this coming. Laughably bad, poorly directed, incoherent and just mostly boring. I never thought I'd be adding a serial killer thriller starring Michael Fassbender to my worst of the year contenders, but hey ho, here we are. God help us all.
2/10 Dans
The Snowman is out now in cinemas in the UK
Watch the trailer below:
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