*Originally written November 2nd, 2017*
"*Geoturd"
Oh, Geostorm. What a fool I was. I was expecting this to be some post-Emmerich disaster-film fun, instead what I got what a boring slog that was poor on near enough every level. I wasn't expecting high art from this, but at the very least I wanted some dumb, trashy fun involving Gerard Butler.
This is a confused film of two halves. The first being a film about Gerard Butler on a space station trying to deactivate a rogue satellite that people have hacked to cause natural disasters around the world (Or something). While the other half is his brother on Earth trying to find out who's doing it and save the president from assassination.
The problem is that none of this silly story works or even makes a bit of sense. I could have accepted this better had it taken itself less seriously, but it doesn't. It's pretty dead-faced serious and even tries to make you care about these cardboard characters, giving you some moments that try to be emotional, but fails miserably.
There's a few odd bits of humour thrown in that are just embarrassing. There's an insane joke referencing the Guy Ritchie film Gerard Butler starred in 'Rock N' Rolla', which was bizarre. Then there was a point where a character shouted "I'm Mexican" which made no sense. I'll admit I did laugh a few times at how bad this mess was a few times. I also loved at what I hoped was an intentional reference to Peep Show when a character kept referring to 'Project Zeus'.
As a disaster film, this was also pitiful. We're teased with some high destruction action, but it's all too brief and kept cutting away from the set-piece. It reminded me of the 2014 Godzilla film, but that at least paid off in the end. There were a few decent pieces of imagery with some decent CGI I'd expect from a film this over budget, but then there were some bizarre shots that looked like a PS1 cut-scene. Including a moment where the frame rate drops and it looked awful. I have no idea where the budget to this went.
Gerard Butler is in his element here, stupid action films, where he completely phones it in. He's a charmless, boring character with a bland backstory and no charisma. Whatever his character here was called was no Mike Banning. The rest of the cast were equally as expendable. Even Ed Harris who plays the villain with some of the most insane motivations I've seen in quite some time.
Geostorm should have been a dumb fun disaster film, instead it doesn't even land in the category of "So bad, it's good", it's just boring. A bland, uninspired and overpriced film that couldn't even deliver on the low promise of dumb fun. It's just dumb and boring.
3/10 Dans
Geostorm is out now in cinemas in the UK
Watch the trailer below:
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