The 2017 Figment Reviews Awards

Each year I try and do something a little different. An alternative award list with some awards that probably aren't politically correct, but hey-ho. Who gives a shit. A lot of these awards are named after in-jokes and references, but they should mostly make sense. Also, all these awards are based on UK release dates. I know a lot of these films are technically 2016 releases for some people. Huge spoilers too.

The "I Now Know Why You Cry" Award

AKA: Saddest Moment

Nominations:

Logan - Wolverine's Death

War for the Planet of the Apes - Caesar's Death

La La Land - Fools Who Dream

Okja - Every Scene of Animal Cruelty
The Florida Project - Child Protective Services


Winner:


Logan

Was it going to be anything else? Huge Jacked Man's 17 year run as Wolverine come to an end in the most violent and emotional way possible. He's mortally wounded while fighting a raged clone of himself then dies holding his daughter's hand and says "So that's what it feels like". Perfect. Bonus points for the use of the cross turning into an X.

The "Gravy to My Ears" Award

AKA: Best Soundtrack

Nominations:

T2 Trainspotting

Baby Driver

Atomic Blonde

La La Land

Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2


Winner:


Baby Driver

I was torn between this and T2 Trainspotting, but Edgar Wright's action, musical comedy just about wins it out with its varied use of music new and old. Plus, I've listened to the soundtrack near enough every day since the first day I saw it.

The "That Also Sounds Like Gravy" Award

AKA: Best Score

Nominations:

Logan

Dunkirk

Raw

John Wick: Chapter 2
It
Blade Runner 2049

The Foreigner



Winner:


Dunkirk

My main man Hans Zimmer at it again with Christopher Nolan. Could listen to that ticking clock all day. 

The "Feast for Thine Eyes" Award

AKA: Best Looking Film

Nominations: 

Logan 

T2 Trainspotting

Atomic Blonde

War for the Planet of the Apes
Blade Runner 2049

Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

John Wick: Chapter 2

Ghost in the Shell
The Florida Project
Star Wars: The Last Jedi



Winner:

Blade Runner 2049

There's no question Blade Runner would win this. Every frame of this masterpiece is a goddamn work of art. There were some good looking films this year, but nothing came close to the beauty of Blade Runner 2049.

The "Just How I Like my Bacon" Award

AKA: Hottest Woman

Nominations:

Charlize Theron - Atomic Blonde

Lily James - Baby Driver

Garance Marillier - Raw

Cara Delevingne - Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Elle Fanning - 20th Century Women
Daisy Ridley - Star Wars: The Last Jedi




Winner:

Elle Fanning - 20th Century Women

I'd be lying if I said Elle Fanning smoking cigarettes and making orgasm noises wasn't one of my favourite things of the year.

The "Waste of Money" Award

AKA: We Put Too Much Money Into Trying to Jump-start a Franchise and Failed Miserably

Nominations:

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Assassin's Creed

Power Rangers

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets



Winner:

Power Rangers

I never expected to enjoy Power Rangers in all honesty, but I at least expected something fun out of it, instead what I got was something more in line with the abysmal Fantastic 4 film from 2015, rather than the recent G.I. Joe films. A complete misfire on every level, including an embarrassing performance from Elizabeth Banks.

The "That's a Damn Good Action Scene" Award

AKA: Best Action Scene

Nominations:

Logan - Attack on the Compound

Atomic Blonde - Stairway Fight

John Wick: Chapter 2 - Art Gallery Showdown

Baby Driver - Hocus Pocus Chase
Kingsman: The Golden Circle - Finale



Winner:


Baby Driver - Hocus Pocus Chase

Baby Driver is filled with memorable action scenes, but the foot chase set to Hocus Pocus by Focus is by far the highlight. A perfect scene of kinetic energy and genius sound editing. Never stop, Edgar Wright.

The "Just Fucking End Already" Award

AKA: The Film that Was Way Too Long

Nominations:

Transformers: The Last Knight

Baywatch
Power Rangers
Kingsman: The Golden Circle



Winner:


Transformers: The Last Knight

Despite being shorter than Michael Bay's last monstrosity of a Transformers film, The Last Knight still clocks in at an absurd 150 minutes of mind-numbing stupidity that made me want to die.

The "Thank God it's Not a Remake, Sequel or Reboot" Award

AKA: Best Original Film

Nominations:

Baby Driver

Raw

La La Land

Get Out

Colossal

A Cure for Wellness
The Florida Project



Winner:

The Florida Project

The Florida Project is unlike anything you'll see this year. A quiet, funny and heartbreaking look at the backdrop of Disneyland Florida. I really can't stress enough that you should seek this out and see. It's one of the most wonderful things I've seen in a while.

The "Netflix Films are Mostly Garbage" Award

AKA: Worst Netflix Original Film

Nominations:

Iboy

Sandy Wexler

Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie

Naked
Little Evil


Winner:

Iboy

Iboy really was as stupid as its title and premise was. A boy's phone explodes in his head and he gets Watch Dogs like powers. God help us all.

The "What the Fuck? Netflix Finally Made a Good Original Film since Beasts of No Nation" Award

AKA: Best Netflix Original Film

Nominations:

Okja

To the Bone

I Don't Feel at Home in This World Anymore

Small Crimes
Death Note
Wheelman


Winner:

Okja

I never saw Okja coming. The trailers looked weird, but I was intrigued, an extremely effective and sweet pro-vegetarian film that actually feels like a cinematic film from Netflix. My biggest regret was not being able to see this in a cinema.

The "I Want to Die" Award

AKA: The Film That Emotionally Drained Me (for the wrong reasons) the Most and Made me Want to Die

Nominations:

Transformers: The Last Knight

Fifty Shades Darker

Iboy

The Belko Experiment 
The Emoji Movie


Winner:

Transformers: The Last Knight

It wasn't going to be anything else. For all the reasons I listed before, The Last Knight is another putrid piece of "Entertainment" from the man-baby mind of Michael Bay. Fuck everyone involved with this garbage.

The "What the Fuck Did I Just Watch?" Award

AKA: The Most Batshit Insane Film I've Seen All Year

Nominations:

Unforgettable

The Boss Baby

The Book of Henry
mother!

Winner:

The Book of Henry

Words cannot describe The Book of Henry, a film so terrible, misguided and tonally wrong it has to be seen to be believed. Whether you're in shock or just laughing at it, you will have a good time with it.

The "Oh, Jeez. I Wanted to Love That" Award

AKA: Biggest Disappointment

Nominations:

Free Fire

It Comes at Night

Alien: Covenant
The Snowman


Winner:

The Snowman

The Snowman should have been excellent, a brutal and compelling crime-thriller with an always fantastic Michael Fassbender. Instead we got one of the weirdest messes of the year, a barely above TV film quality film with strange editing choices and one of the razziest performances of the year from Val Kilmer. Shame.

The "Oh, Jeez. I Didn't See That Coming" Award

AKA: Biggest Surprise

Nominations:

The Lego Batman Movie

Split

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Okja

Gifted

Miss Sloane

Ghost in the Shell

Life

A Cure for Wellness
Detroit
The Florida Project
The Disaster Artist


Winner:

The Disaster Artist

I never expected The Disaster Artist to be an genuinely good as it ended up being. A film about the making of the worst film of all-time focused around one of the strangest enigmas to ever come to Hollywood. Somehow it all works, a funny and heartfelt tribute to the creative process with a career best performance from James Franco.

The "Comeback" Award

AKA: Something Good From Someone Who Went Through a Period of Shitness

Nominations:

M. Night Shyamalan - Split

Arnold Schwarzenegger - Aftermath

Spider-Man - Spider-Man: Homecoming

DC - Wonder Woman


Winner:

DC - Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman was a very short lived victory for DC and Warner Brothers, despite looking to finally be on track with the first proper female led superhero film, they managed to completely fuck it a few months later with the release of Justice League. I'll give them this though, Wonder Woman is a hopeful and vibrant film and possibly the best film DC has released in their new universe. 

The "Choose Nostalgia" Award

AKA: The Most Nostalgia Put in One Film

Nominations:

T2 Trainspotting

La La Land

The Lego Batman Movie

Beauty and the Beast
The Disaster Artist


Winner:


T2 Trainspotting

Trainspotting 2 had a lot going against it before it was released, it could have been a blatant rehash of the original, but instead what we got was a heartfelt tribute to nostalgia. Despite these characters going in new directions, they look into the past and nearly every iconic moment from the first is referenced. It's something that shouldn't have worked, but it somehow did. Making it one of my favourite films of the year and I honestly wouldn't mind seeing these characters again in the future.

The "The Fuck Just Happened?" Award

AKA: Worst Editing

Nominations:

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Transformers: The Last Knight

The Bye-Bye Man

Kidnap


Winner:

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

The misleadingly titled final entry into the Resident Evil film series had potential to be dumb fun at the very least, but instead it's one of the most broken and confused films in the series. The action is incomprehensible and impossible to follow. Characters die and we don't even know who it was. I spent the whole run-time scratching my head wondering what was happening. 

The "We Don't Have Kick-Ass 3, but we Got This Shit Instead" Award

AKA: Worst Sequel

Nominations:

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Transformers: The Last Knight

xXx: Return of Xander Cage

Fifty Shades Darker


Winner:

Transformers: The Last Knight

I have nothing left to say about this garbage film.

The "Fucking Oscar-Bait Bullshit" Award

AKA: Most Blatant and Offensive Oscar-Bait

Nominations:

Hidden Figures
Detroit
Patriot's Day
Fences
Miss Sloane

Winner:

Hidden Figures

This feels like a weird film to pick on, but nothing about Hidden Figures worked for me. I found it to be a lame and cringe-worthy biopic that was more interested in trying to win awards than tell its interesting story. Safe, crowd-pleasing bullshit.

The "They're Not Friends, They're Family" Award
AKA: Most Absurd use of the word "Family"

Fate of the Furious
Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2
Baywatch
Power Rangers

Winner:

Fate of the Furious

Fact: If you spend more than 40 minutes with Dominic Toretto, he will consider you "Family", if even you murder his friends.

The "Pure Cinema" Award
AKA: Good or Bad, This is Cinema in its purest form

mother!
Dunkirk
Moonlight
Baby Driver
The Florida Project
A Ghost Story
The Disaster Artist


Winner:

mother!

mother! is one of the riskiest studio horror films ever made. A film made to divide audiences, a film that the stupid mainstream would hate purely for not letting them understand it. For better or worse, mother! is pure expressionistic vision put on screen with no compromise. It's pure cinema. 


The "That's Entertainment" Award
AKA: The Film That was Most Fun to Watch

Baby Driver
Fate of the Furious
Kingsman: The Golden Circle
Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2
American Made
John Wick: Chapter 2
The Disaster Artist


Winner:


Baby Driver

Baby Driver is pure entertainment, an endlessly re-watchable ride that gets more fun with each watch. I know I'll be watching this on repeat till the day I die. 

That is all. Thanks for reading. I'm open to more suggestions for stupid awards. God bless and happy new year.

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Die Hard (1988) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written December 20th, 2016*

"Merry motherfucking Christmas"

What is there to say about Die Hard that hasn't already been said? It's the perfect action, it's the perfect Christmas film. It's quite possibly the best film of the '80s. Which is an astonishing achievement considering it's the same decade that had Lethal Weapon and Commando to compete with, but Die Hard comes in at the top. It's a sharp, tight and fast-paced action film that changed action cinema forever.

John McClane is the every man. A normal cop coming to LA to reconcile with his estranged wife and see his kids at Christmas. What works so well is that John McClane is a human. He's a vulnerable person who gets hurt. He's not an '80s bullet-shield of sociopathic tendencies (We have to wait 4 sequels for that).

Willis brings the charisma and marks himself as a definitive action star, giving us a lead who's charismatic and cocky, yet vulnerable and has heart. It's amazing to see how far this character has come in 28 years. With the last 2 films in the Die Hard series, he's a shadow of his former self and more in line with a superhero than a New York City cop.

Alan Rickman is also amazing as Hans Gruber, one of the best villains in cinema history. A slimy and ruthless, yet lovable terrorist who is actually nothing more than a thief. This is all helped by a sharp script that is insanely well written. Every character is rounded and has some depth. The chemistry with Willis and Bonnie Bedelia works and feels real, bring a heart to the film that gives the ending a heartwarming feel that very few Christmas films manage to give me.

That's another thing. Die Hard is a Christmas film. I don't give a shit what you say. Not only is Die Hard a Christmas film, it's also the greatest Christmas film of all time. It's entirely subjective as to what counts as a Christmas film for you, but I think it can be best summed up as "A film that feels weird to watch outside of Christmas". And for me, Die Hard does. Watching it any other time of year just feels... wrong.

As an action film Die Hard is pure perfection. I really, really miss films like this. No bullshit CGI nonsense, just practical effects and beautiful blood squibs. I love every death in this film. The way Takagi's head explodes with brain matter splatting on the window? Gorggggeeeeousssss. Today's directors should really take note of what Die Hard did, there have been some fun, but pale imitations of Die Hard. Hell, "Die Hard" is a term used a sub-genre of action anyway, but people are really missing the point.


So that's Die Hard. One of the best action films of all-time, the best Christmas films of all-time and one of the best films of all-time. Pure perfection in every way. Goddamn, motherfucking art.

10/10 Dans (Rewatch)

Die Hard is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK

Watch the trailer below:

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Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written December 14th, 2017*

*Spoiler Free*

"This is not going to go the way you think"

It feels weird that we're already at the end of 2017 and all the biggest films of the year already out (In the UK at least, some December Oscar contenders we don't get till January/February). At least Star Wars is a huge note to end it on, the continuation of the new trilogy J.J. Abrams started back in 2015. It's been a long wait for answers raised by this new set of films in the saga, and they mostly get answered, but not how you'd expect.

For all my criticisms about The Last Jedi (Which I'll get to), you can't call the film predictable or formulaic. This is unlike any Star Wars film before it, while still fitting nicely into the overall series. All the complaints that Force Awakens was simply a rehash of A New Hope are completely thrown under the bus here. There are some allusions to Empire Strikes Back (The tone is darker and the stakes are the highest they've ever been), but the film has its own unique take for the series. I wouldn't say Rian Johnson did a better job than J.J., but he comes damn close at times.

I'll get to my favourite stuff first. Daisy Ridley as Rey is still an infinitely likeable an strong character who goes through an excellently compelling arc as she's trained in the ways of the force by Luke Skywalker. Mark Hamill has a much more expanded role here as he reluctantly trains Rey. He's a broken, hallow shell of the Luke Skywalker we remember, he's also given the heartbreaking and emotional core of Last Jedi. Every scene focusing on Rey, Luke and Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) are by far the best parts of Last Jedi. Not that the rest is bad, it's just every scene without them, I'd just wish it would go back to their story.

Finn (John Boyega), Poe (Oscar Isaac) and series newcomer Rose (Kelly Marie Tran) go on a separate adventure trying to find a hacker to disable a tracking device on the Imperial fleet. Nothing at all was bad, there was some great moments, but it just dragged things out. A long stretch in a sci-fi version of Vegas brings thing to a halt and just seemed to stretch out an already very long film. Boyega and Isaac are still excellent in their roles, Isaac is just effortlessly cool as the hotshot pilot, while Boyega's Finn still struggles with finding his place in the Resistance. Carrie Fisher delivers a very different Leia filled with hope and anchors some very emotional scenes, aside from one bizarre moment that feels like a fake-out and leads way to one of the weirdest looking scenes I've scene all year. Not weird in a good way, in a way where I didn't know whether to laugh or just be confused. I'm amazed anyone thought that was a good idea.

While Last Jedi takes a lot of risks to create something new, some moments really suffer from the lack of willingness to commit. They were a few highly built-up scenes where you think they actually had the balls to do something, but sadly, they fail to commit to it and the characters make it out safe. I'd be fine if it was just the one one, but they do it a few times. I was sadly reminded of The Walking Dead's annoying fake-out deaths, which is not a good sign.

Adam Driver continues to be the MVP of this new trilogy, a deeply disturbed and pure evil character that seems to be capable of good, but continues his path to the Dark Side while showing shades of the prequel trilogies Anakin (I mean that in a good way). Thank God Driver was in this to provide a good villain, as all the hype and build-up to Snoke amounted to a giant wet-noodle. Andy Serkis is completely wasted as a generic and uninspired throw-away bad guy that ultimately amounted to nothing. He could have fitted perfectly as a Marvel villain.

At least on the visual/audio side, Johnson creates an incredible spectacle for the eyes that opens up and expands the world of Star Wars. Near enough everything looks gorgeous and cinematic, the action is some of the best seen in the series, John Williams score soars and the sound design was incredible. I love the cinematography of these new Star Wars films, they are filled with so many beautiful moments. Nothing feels like an overpriced CGI mess, the mix of practical and CGI is wonderfully balanced and leaves a lasting impression. Of all the new creatures, the only one I had a problem with was those goddamn Porgs, they have their moments, but mostly just feel like annoying, overly cute creatures made to sell toys.

I sound a bit negative about The Last Jedi, but I really did like it a lot, it has a lot of problems, but that mostly doesn't take away from the enjoyment I had from it. I know I have a soft spot for Star Wars, but if you're a fan, I'm sure you're going to have a good time. A gorgeous, emotionally rich entry that's focused on character and spectacle while proving a 40 year old series still has the ability to surprise. I'm sure this will grow on me on rewatches, but for now I'll say it was great.

8/10 Dans (First time watch)

Star Wars: The Last Jedi is out now in cinemas in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

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The Disaster Artist (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written December 7th, 2017*

"In Los Angeles, everyone want to be star"

The Room is a flash of demented, once in a lifetime genius created by one of the most fascinating people to ever grace the planet. A film based around the production of the film and the friendship between its creator and co-star was a hard thing to pull off, yet, somehow, James Franco pulled it off. Delivering one of the funniest and most heartfelt films of the year.

Let's get the strongest and most anticipated part out the way. James Franco. He completely loses himself in the role of the enigma that is Tommy Wiseau, a bizarre man with a mysterious background full of contradictory stories. 

Franco nails Wiseau's unique accent and mannerisms while managing to be both hilarious and a little sad and heartbreaking. If Franco doesn't at least get an Oscar nomination for his role, I will be outraged. Dave Franco also does a great job as Greg Sestero, an actor who gets sucked into Wiseau's Planet and becomes more and more disillusioned by his behaviour.

Franco does an excellent job as a director too. Setting up the complicated relationship between Wiseau and Greg Sestero. Greg being an aspiring actor in San Francisco who becomes fascinated by Tommy after seeing how fearless he is in an acting class. They quickly become friends and move to Los Angeles on Tommy's seemingly never ending supply of money. After having trouble finding acting jobs, they decide to fund their own film 'The Room' 

Greg and Tommy's relationship is easily the core of The Disaster Artist. Two people brought together by the dream of becoming an actor. It really is an ode to creativity and friendship. Sure, The Room was a disaster, but they tried hard to create a piece of art that people would enjoy, so in a way, they succeeded. 

Their road to making the film is not an easy one though, as Tommy's behaviour becomes more and more outrageous, controlling and a little bit unstable. He's clearly a very damaged and not right in the head person, making his a relationship with Greg seem more like something from Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master than your usual comedy.

While this is based on a true story, this is most definitely a comedy at heart, which it exceeds at incredible and might just be one of my favourite comedies of recent years. No question the best comedy of 2017 at the very least. Even among the drama and genuine poignancy on display, I laughed so much. Pretty much every word that came out of Franco's mouth was pure gold. Him as Wiseau is just an endlessly watchable creation.


The Disaster Artist is much more than just a film about the making of the best worst film of all time. It's a tribute to the creative process and following your dreams, being proud of what you've created, no matter what people think. The best comedy of 2017 with a ton of heart and possibly the best performance of James Franco's career.

10/10 Dans (First time watch)

The Disaster Artist is out now in cinemas in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

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