The "I Now Know Why You Cry" Award
AKA: Saddest Moment
Nominations:
Logan - Wolverine's Death
War for the Planet of the Apes - Caesar's Death
La La Land - Fools Who Dream
Okja - Every Scene of Animal Cruelty
The Florida Project - Child Protective Services
Winner:
Logan
Was it going to be anything else? Huge Jacked Man's 17 year run as Wolverine come to an end in the most violent and emotional way possible. He's mortally wounded while fighting a raged clone of himself then dies holding his daughter's hand and says "So that's what it feels like". Perfect. Bonus points for the use of the cross turning into an X.
The Florida Project - Child Protective Services
Winner:
Logan
Was it going to be anything else? Huge Jacked Man's 17 year run as Wolverine come to an end in the most violent and emotional way possible. He's mortally wounded while fighting a raged clone of himself then dies holding his daughter's hand and says "So that's what it feels like". Perfect. Bonus points for the use of the cross turning into an X.
The "Gravy to My Ears" Award
AKA: Best Soundtrack
Nominations:
T2 Trainspotting
Baby Driver
Atomic Blonde
La La Land
Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2
Winner:
Baby Driver
I was torn between this and T2 Trainspotting, but Edgar Wright's action, musical comedy just about wins it out with its varied use of music new and old. Plus, I've listened to the soundtrack near enough every day since the first day I saw it.
Winner:
Baby Driver
I was torn between this and T2 Trainspotting, but Edgar Wright's action, musical comedy just about wins it out with its varied use of music new and old. Plus, I've listened to the soundtrack near enough every day since the first day I saw it.
The "That Also Sounds Like Gravy" Award
AKA: Best Score
Nominations:
Logan
Dunkirk
Raw
John Wick: Chapter 2
It
Blade Runner 2049
It
Blade Runner 2049
The Foreigner
Winner:
Dunkirk
Winner:
Dunkirk
My main man Hans Zimmer at it again with Christopher Nolan. Could listen to that ticking clock all day.
The "Feast for Thine Eyes" Award
AKA: Best Looking Film
Nominations:
Logan
T2 Trainspotting
Atomic Blonde
War for the Planet of the Apes
Blade Runner 2049
Blade Runner 2049
Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
John Wick: Chapter 2
Ghost in the Shell
The Florida Project
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Winner:
Blade Runner 2049
There's no question Blade Runner would win this. Every frame of this masterpiece is a goddamn work of art. There were some good looking films this year, but nothing came close to the beauty of Blade Runner 2049.
The Florida Project
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Winner:
Blade Runner 2049
There's no question Blade Runner would win this. Every frame of this masterpiece is a goddamn work of art. There were some good looking films this year, but nothing came close to the beauty of Blade Runner 2049.
The "Just How I Like my Bacon" Award
AKA: Hottest Woman
Nominations:
Charlize Theron - Atomic Blonde
Lily James - Baby Driver
Garance Marillier - Raw
Cara Delevingne - Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Elle Fanning - 20th Century Women
Daisy Ridley - Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Winner:
Elle Fanning - 20th Century Women
I'd be lying if I said Elle Fanning smoking cigarettes and making orgasm noises wasn't one of my favourite things of the year.
Daisy Ridley - Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Winner:
Elle Fanning - 20th Century Women
I'd be lying if I said Elle Fanning smoking cigarettes and making orgasm noises wasn't one of my favourite things of the year.
The "Waste of Money" Award
AKA: We Put Too Much Money Into Trying to Jump-start a Franchise and Failed Miserably
Nominations:
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
Assassin's Creed
Power Rangers
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Winner:
Power Rangers
I never expected to enjoy Power Rangers in all honesty, but I at least expected something fun out of it, instead what I got was something more in line with the abysmal Fantastic 4 film from 2015, rather than the recent G.I. Joe films. A complete misfire on every level, including an embarrassing performance from Elizabeth Banks.
Winner:
Power Rangers
I never expected to enjoy Power Rangers in all honesty, but I at least expected something fun out of it, instead what I got was something more in line with the abysmal Fantastic 4 film from 2015, rather than the recent G.I. Joe films. A complete misfire on every level, including an embarrassing performance from Elizabeth Banks.
The "That's a Damn Good Action Scene" Award
AKA: Best Action Scene
Nominations:
Logan - Attack on the Compound
Atomic Blonde - Stairway Fight
John Wick: Chapter 2 - Art Gallery Showdown
Baby Driver - Hocus Pocus Chase
Kingsman: The Golden Circle - Finale
Winner:
Baby Driver - Hocus Pocus Chase
Baby Driver is filled with memorable action scenes, but the foot chase set to Hocus Pocus by Focus is by far the highlight. A perfect scene of kinetic energy and genius sound editing. Never stop, Edgar Wright.
Kingsman: The Golden Circle - Finale
Winner:
Baby Driver - Hocus Pocus Chase
Baby Driver is filled with memorable action scenes, but the foot chase set to Hocus Pocus by Focus is by far the highlight. A perfect scene of kinetic energy and genius sound editing. Never stop, Edgar Wright.
The "Just Fucking End Already" Award
AKA: The Film that Was Way Too Long
Nominations:
Transformers: The Last Knight
Baywatch
Power Rangers
Kingsman: The Golden Circle
Winner:
Transformers: The Last Knight
Power Rangers
Kingsman: The Golden Circle
Winner:
Transformers: The Last Knight
Despite being shorter than Michael Bay's last monstrosity of a Transformers film, The Last Knight still clocks in at an absurd 150 minutes of mind-numbing stupidity that made me want to die.
The "Thank God it's Not a Remake, Sequel or Reboot" Award
AKA: Best Original Film
Nominations:
Baby Driver
Raw
La La Land
Get Out
Colossal
A Cure for Wellness
The Florida Project
Winner:
The Florida Project
The Florida Project is unlike anything you'll see this year. A quiet, funny and heartbreaking look at the backdrop of Disneyland Florida. I really can't stress enough that you should seek this out and see. It's one of the most wonderful things I've seen in a while.
The Florida Project
Winner:
The Florida Project
The Florida Project is unlike anything you'll see this year. A quiet, funny and heartbreaking look at the backdrop of Disneyland Florida. I really can't stress enough that you should seek this out and see. It's one of the most wonderful things I've seen in a while.
The "Netflix Films are Mostly Garbage" Award
AKA: Worst Netflix Original Film
Nominations:
Iboy
Sandy Wexler
Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie
Naked
Little Evil
Winner:
Iboy
Little Evil
Winner:
Iboy
Iboy really was as stupid as its title and premise was. A boy's phone explodes in his head and he gets Watch Dogs like powers. God help us all.
The "What the Fuck? Netflix Finally Made a Good Original Film since Beasts of No Nation" Award
AKA: Best Netflix Original Film
Nominations:
Okja
To the Bone
I Don't Feel at Home in This World Anymore
Small Crimes
Death Note
Wheelman
Winner:
Okja
I never saw Okja coming. The trailers looked weird, but I was intrigued, an extremely effective and sweet pro-vegetarian film that actually feels like a cinematic film from Netflix. My biggest regret was not being able to see this in a cinema.
Death Note
Wheelman
Winner:
Okja
I never saw Okja coming. The trailers looked weird, but I was intrigued, an extremely effective and sweet pro-vegetarian film that actually feels like a cinematic film from Netflix. My biggest regret was not being able to see this in a cinema.
The "I Want to Die" Award
AKA: The Film That Emotionally Drained Me (for the wrong reasons) the Most and Made me Want to Die
Nominations:
Transformers: The Last Knight
Fifty Shades Darker
Iboy
The Belko Experiment
The Emoji Movie
Winner:
Transformers: The Last Knight
It wasn't going to be anything else. For all the reasons I listed before, The Last Knight is another putrid piece of "Entertainment" from the man-baby mind of Michael Bay. Fuck everyone involved with this garbage.
The Emoji Movie
Winner:
Transformers: The Last Knight
It wasn't going to be anything else. For all the reasons I listed before, The Last Knight is another putrid piece of "Entertainment" from the man-baby mind of Michael Bay. Fuck everyone involved with this garbage.
The "What the Fuck Did I Just Watch?" Award
AKA: The Most Batshit Insane Film I've Seen All Year
Nominations:
Unforgettable
The Boss Baby
The Book of Henry
mother!
Winner:
The Book of Henry
mother!
Winner:
The Book of Henry
Words cannot describe The Book of Henry, a film so terrible, misguided and tonally wrong it has to be seen to be believed. Whether you're in shock or just laughing at it, you will have a good time with it.
The "Oh, Jeez. I Wanted to Love That" Award
AKA: Biggest Disappointment
Nominations:
Free Fire
It Comes at Night
Alien: Covenant
The Snowman
Winner:
The Snowman
The Snowman should have been excellent, a brutal and compelling crime-thriller with an always fantastic Michael Fassbender. Instead we got one of the weirdest messes of the year, a barely above TV film quality film with strange editing choices and one of the razziest performances of the year from Val Kilmer. Shame.
The Snowman
Winner:
The Snowman
The Snowman should have been excellent, a brutal and compelling crime-thriller with an always fantastic Michael Fassbender. Instead we got one of the weirdest messes of the year, a barely above TV film quality film with strange editing choices and one of the razziest performances of the year from Val Kilmer. Shame.
The "Oh, Jeez. I Didn't See That Coming" Award
AKA: Biggest Surprise
Nominations:
The Lego Batman Movie
Split
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Okja
Gifted
Miss Sloane
Ghost in the Shell
Life
A Cure for Wellness
Detroit
The Florida Project
The Disaster Artist
Winner:
The Disaster Artist
I never expected The Disaster Artist to be an genuinely good as it ended up being. A film about the making of the worst film of all-time focused around one of the strangest enigmas to ever come to Hollywood. Somehow it all works, a funny and heartfelt tribute to the creative process with a career best performance from James Franco.
Detroit
The Florida Project
The Disaster Artist
Winner:
The Disaster Artist
The "Comeback" Award
AKA: Something Good From Someone Who Went Through a Period of Shitness
Nominations:
M. Night Shyamalan - Split
Arnold Schwarzenegger - Aftermath
Spider-Man - Spider-Man: Homecoming
DC - Wonder Woman
Winner:
DC - Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman was a very short lived victory for DC and Warner Brothers, despite looking to finally be on track with the first proper female led superhero film, they managed to completely fuck it a few months later with the release of Justice League. I'll give them this though, Wonder Woman is a hopeful and vibrant film and possibly the best film DC has released in their new universe.
Winner:
DC - Wonder Woman
The "Choose Nostalgia" Award
AKA: The Most Nostalgia Put in One Film
Nominations:
T2 Trainspotting
La La Land
The Lego Batman Movie
Beauty and the Beast
The Disaster Artist
Winner:
T2 Trainspotting
Trainspotting 2 had a lot going against it before it was released, it could have been a blatant rehash of the original, but instead what we got was a heartfelt tribute to nostalgia. Despite these characters going in new directions, they look into the past and nearly every iconic moment from the first is referenced. It's something that shouldn't have worked, but it somehow did. Making it one of my favourite films of the year and I honestly wouldn't mind seeing these characters again in the future.
The Disaster Artist
Winner:
T2 Trainspotting
The "The Fuck Just Happened?" Award
AKA: Worst Editing
Nominations:
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
Transformers: The Last Knight
The Bye-Bye Man
Kidnap
Winner:
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
The misleadingly titled final entry into the Resident Evil film series had potential to be dumb fun at the very least, but instead it's one of the most broken and confused films in the series. The action is incomprehensible and impossible to follow. Characters die and we don't even know who it was. I spent the whole run-time scratching my head wondering what was happening.
Winner:
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
The "We Don't Have Kick-Ass 3, but we Got This Shit Instead" Award
AKA: Worst Sequel
Nominations:
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
Transformers: The Last Knight
xXx: Return of Xander Cage
Fifty Shades Darker
Winner:
Transformers: The Last Knight
I have nothing left to say about this garbage film.
Winner:
Transformers: The Last Knight
The "Fucking Oscar-Bait Bullshit" Award
AKA: Most Blatant and Offensive Oscar-Bait
Nominations:
Hidden Figures
Detroit
Patriot's Day
Fences
Miss Sloane
Winner:
Hidden Figures
This feels like a weird film to pick on, but nothing about Hidden Figures worked for me. I found it to be a lame and cringe-worthy biopic that was more interested in trying to win awards than tell its interesting story. Safe, crowd-pleasing bullshit.
Detroit
Patriot's Day
Fences
Miss Sloane
Winner:
Hidden Figures
The "They're Not Friends, They're Family" Award
AKA: Most Absurd use of the word "Family"
Fate of the Furious
Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2
Baywatch
Power Rangers
Winner:
Fate of the Furious
The "Pure Cinema" Award
AKA: Good or Bad, This is Cinema in its purest form
mother!
Dunkirk
Moonlight
Baby Driver
The Florida Project
A Ghost Story
The Disaster Artist
Winner:
mother!
The "That's Entertainment" Award
AKA: The Film That was Most Fun to Watch
Baby Driver
Fate of the Furious
Kingsman: The Golden Circle
Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2
American Made
John Wick: Chapter 2
The Disaster Artist
Winner:
Baby Driver
That is all. Thanks for reading. I'm open to more suggestions for stupid awards. God bless and happy new year.
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