The Happytime Murders (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 29th, 2018*

I wasn't massively sure what to expect with The Happytime Murders, I remember being massively intrigued by its premise (It was around the time I watched the hugely underrated puppet crime show 'The Fuzz', which I highly recommend seeking out), but I expectations were pretty much shattered by a lack of interesting trailers and the inclusion of Melissa McCarthy. 

My main problem was the lack of dedication to a hard-boiled detective film with puppets, it frequently derails itself with a bunch of cheap and crude gags rather than tell an engaging story, although there are flashes of genius here and there. I have a huge soft-spot for private detective stories and a dark, adult rated one involving puppets could have been excellent. 

If you've seen the trailer, then you know a lot of humour is based around sex or swearing. If cute, child-friendly looking puppets saying "fuck" a lot will make you laugh, then you're in for a great time. That's not to say it's massively unfunny, there are funny moments here and there, mostly due to it just embracing how crude and juvenile this is. I was reminded of Sausage Party, but this was nowhere near as boring as that. The biggest shame is that the best jokes are in the trailer. The excessive silly string jizz scene is by far the most outrageous moment and it does work, it just sucked they decided to spoil it in the trailer.

Where the film mostly lands is with its puppetry and characters. There is real creativity on display here and it pays off. The puppet work is some of the best I've scene in film, it's helped by the work of CGI, but it all works and made for some impressive set-pieces. As much as this film doesn't work a lot of the time, I am glad someone got given the budget to make an original and creative film like this, which is rare.

I'd also happily see a film franchise with these characters. Our lead character Phil Phillips is an array of private detective cliches, an alcoholic with a troubled past who has to get things together to solve the murders of the cast of a loved '80s kids show while dealing with his ex partner. It's a character that embraces the cliches and it works. I just wish they played it a bit more straight. Oh, and completely dropped Melissa McCarthy, she is just the worst in this. Every joke on her part is just about how unattractive she is. It's the same overplayed joke she does in all her films. 


I wish I had more to say about The Happytime Murders, but I enjoyed it. It's crude, offensive and not clever, but it knows this and creates an interesting world of humans mixed with puppets. There are far worse ways to spend 90 minutes. Nowhere near as bad as the critics made it out to be. Shame we'll probably never get a sequel.

6/10 Dans

The Happytime Murders is out now in cinemas in the UK
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Rampage (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 22nd, 2018*

I might have been a bit harsh on Rampage the first time I saw it, I don't think I was in the mood and it made me hate it more than it deserved. Don't get me wrong, this is still a mess of a film, but it has its moments and is still one of better video game film adaptations. Part of me is glad I bit the bullet and picked up the Blu and rewatched it.

You should know what to expect from a film where Dwayne Johnson has to save his friend George (An ape) after a mysterious substance enters his cage and turns him huge and homicidal. There's also a giant wolf and crocodile involved too. After seeing the big dumb pathetic mess that was Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, it made me appreciate this much more. 

My main problem is probably with the characters. Dwayne Johnson is playing the same character he plays every film. He's got charm and charisma, but him doing the same routine over and over again has finally gotten old. I'd say the abysmal Skyscraper was the final breaking point for me, but this comes close. By far the best part was the relationship between Johnson and George, I just have a soft spot for apes, but there is some charm and chemistry between Johnson and the giant CGI creation. 

I forgot just how weird Jeffrey Dean Morgan is in this too. A Texas cowboy with a weird swagger that makes him come off more sociopathic than cool. His mean spirited treatment of one of the bad guys at the end was really odd to me and just didn't sit right with tone of this film. 

For a film about 3 rampaging creatures, there is very little action too. Most of it builds up to the final battle, in which the 3 creatures finally meet up in the city for the Rampage. While the last act is by far the most entertaining, it is a drag to get there, despite the short 100 minute run-time. There is a cool moment paying homage to Aliens early on, but that moment is far too brief and fleeting. I was surprised at some of gore and violence they were aloud to get away with in a 12A, but I seem to say that a lot. I guess times are changing and dumb family friendly aimed blockbusters are aloud to be edgier.


While it's far from great, you get what you expect from Rampage, a film best on an '80s arcade game and while it is a bit of a slog to get through, it picks up and feels sorta worth it by the end. Of the two overpriced blockbusters Dwayne Johnson has starred in this year, this is by far the best.

5/10 Dans

Rampage is out now on 4K UHD, Blu-ray and DVD in the UK. With a Blu-ray steelbook available from HMV. 

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The Equalizer 2 (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 22nd, 2018*

I don't know what's more insane, the fact Denzel Washington has never starred in a sequel to one of his own films before, or the fact that this film exists. I thought the first Equalizer was fine, a pulpy and violent time with an interesting enough character in Denzel's Robert McCall. It was simple dumb fun, a little overlong, but it did everything it needed to.

I'm not sure what I even wanted from a sequel, but what I got here was just pure disappointment. I was reminded of the sequel to Jack Reacher, a similarly formulaic affair that completely failed to live up to its first. I'm not sure what went wrong here, the creative team from the first were back and they just doubled down on the problems of the first.

I appreciate they tried to go for a more slow-burn approach compared to the first, their is very little action and the body-count is about 1/10 of the original. This didn't need to be a bad thing, but what they chose to pad this sequel out with is pure filler. There are so many subplots that add up to nothing, or gives you a pay-off that just leaves you shrugging. A particularly offensive moment towards the end that tried to tug at your heart strings made nearly vomit at the cinema. It was just so unearned and unnecessary. 

It reeks of a film trying to reach a 2 hour run-time, as the main plot of this feels as though it covers around 50 minutes of the film. Honestly, the main plot doesn't kick in till over an hour in, it was so strange. There's just lots of scenes of McCall driving around as an Uber driving trying to save people or leading a young student away from a life of crime. It could have worked a lot better if they streamlined a lot of this and focused more time on other things.

The relationship between McCall and the kid is the closest thing the film has to a heart and that could have been expanded on more, instead they just rehash a lot of territory they went over with Chloe Grace Moretz' character from the first. I know these films are based on a TV, but it really shows how much better this could work as a more expanded HBO show rather than a 2 hour film. In fact, this whole film feels like a season worth of story lines crammed into one film.

I sound extremely negative, but there were a few things I did like here. Denzel is still committed and gives a decent performance as McCall, our ex-special forces hero with OCD who decides to become a vigilante and Antoine Fuqua's direction does have visual flourish, even though it does steal a lot of ticks from Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes films for the action.

As fine as Fuqua's direction was with the action, it does lack the impact the first bought to the table, there is some really grizzly and narly kills here (It was cut from an 18 to a 15 in the UK, like the first was), it just needed more of it and more creativity. Nothing comes close of McCall's DIY rampage at the end of the first, making use of the tools around him to make a sadistic version of Home Alone. I just saw this a few hours ago and I'm failing to remember any action scenes aside from finale, which had a cool setting, but failed to do anything actually interesting with it.


It all just felt so by the numbers and boring. You know everything that's going to happen by the middle (Dear god, if you can't tell which character is actually the bad guy, then I'm worried about you). I finished the thing with more of an appreciate for the first, which is something I guess? This whole affair is just far too bland, safe and generic to please anyone other than people who just want a dumb action film on the background while they jerk off or something. We're no doubt getting a third Equalizer, but if they don't get some more creative talent behind it, then I'm out. Cinema is dead.

4/10 Dans

The Equalizer 2 is out now in cinemas in the UK. With a HMV Exclusive 4K UHD Steelbook available for pre-order. 
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The Meg (2018) - Film Reviews

Review:

*Originally written August 12th, 2018*

Well, this wasn't meant to happen. Someone greenlit a $180 million film about Jason Statham taking on a 75ft shark to be directed by Jon Turteltaub (National Treasure, Cool Runnings) no less. The weirdest thing about The Meg is not only is not atrocious, but it's actually really good fun. It's complete and utter trash, but it's also some of the most fun I've had with a film all year.

This film is a joke and everyone is in on it, it completely embraces what an absurd piece of nonsense this is and runs with it. Jason Statham is completely committed and knows what he's doing, giving us a surprising amount of charisma from him for once. The opening scene is one of the most laughable and '90s inspirations for character motivation ever (A prelude where the lead character fails to save lives, setting him up to be haunted by his choices).

I'm not familiar with the book series, but from what I gather, it is a lot more nasty and gory than this, as fun as it was, a film with shark attacks could have done with a bit more violence, possibly in tone with Piranha 3D. But, with a budget this big, there is no way they would have gone with a 15/18 rating. Based on interviews, there might be an uncut version out there though.

The creature itself is a fine piece of creation, it's not huge, but it's an intimidating monster that does some nasty stuff through the film (Especially early on to a whale and its child). It's not in it as much as I would have liked, but when it does show up, it is effective for the most part, despite from questionable CG. 

The ensemble cast are exactly what you'd expect, an array of cliche characters that each play a singular part. Rainn Wilson coming off the strongest of the supporting cast and having some of the very few moments that are actually funny out of the barrage of lame humour here. In all honesty, I did laugh at this film more than I laughed with it, which is something? Oh, I forgot, Ruby Rose is in this too, and she is just absolutely atrocious. Hollywood really needs to stop trying to make her a thing.


The Meg is exactly what you'd expect. It's simultaneously one of the most films of year, but at the same time, one of the worst, but it evens itself out to be a huge piece of entertainment. I cannot wait for a sequel where the shark 3 times the size of the one here. Fin.

7/10 Dans

The Meg is out now in cinemas in the UK, with a Blu-ray steelbook available to pre-order from HMV
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The Darkest Minds (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 12th, 2018*

Yeah, I didn't go into The Darkest Minds with any real expectations, aside from a generic Young Adult sci-fi affair and that's exactly what I got. I wouldn't have even seen this if I didn't have time to kill before seeing The Meg. There is so little to say about this, it's just another post Harry Potter attempt at creating a film series based on a collection of books. 

There's shades of X-Men thrown in there, but it's a very generic "In a future where kids are all rounded up and kept in camps because of their newfound powers, one girl turns out to be the Chosen One and escapes to join a organisation who are fighting back". It is that cliche and it hits every single beat you'd expect. There's the tacked on romance that is completely under-baked and thrown in there just to pad the film out. 

Being a film about kids who essentially have superpowers, there was obviously a lot of potential for them to do interesting things with them, it's sadly just wasted and feels like a collection of powers we've already seen in much better films. Honestly, the amount this rips off X-Men is outrageous and it just made me wish I was rewatching one of those instead of this. 

At 100 minutes it feels extremely rushed, we go from place to place very quickly and while we learn a bit about the lead character, everyone else is completely wasted and just awful. I appreciate this was constricted by such a modest budget for what it is, but it really shows. There's not really any action until the final act and when we do see it, it feels very cheap and uninteresting, a lot of what is going on is lost by setting the scene at night, which I assume was intentional. I guess I was just reminded of 2015's Fantastic Four, which felt equally rushed and was a complete mess too, but this was not quite the disaster Fan4stic was. 

I really hated the use of the lame, generic pop music to hammer home what you're meant to feel in every unearned scene. It was brutal. The only positive things I have to say about this are the lead actress was fine,Amandla Stenberg did a fine job with such awful material, I'm amazed she kept a straight face while spouting dialogue that had the depth of an "Inspirational" Instagram post.


The Darkest Minds is what it is, another failed attempt at trying to make a new Harry Potter or Hunger Games. It does nothing to differentiate from other films in the genre and I have no doubt this will fail to get a sequel. Not that anyone wanted one, this will be quickly forgotten and washed away before you know it.

4/10 Dans

The Darkest Minds is out now in cinemas in the UK
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Ready Player One (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 8th, 2018*

Spielberg is not a director who I've been the biggest fan of lately. Don't get me wrong, he's obviously cemented himself as one of the greatest directors of all time and he's made some of the greats, but the past decade has not been kind to him. The last Spielberg film I truly enjoyed outside of Bridge of Spies was War of the Worlds, which was 13 years ago. Since then, it seems to have been a barrage of insanely dull pieces of Oscar Bait. The Post and Lincoln being the two standouts of blatant eye-rolling desperation to get that Oscar gold.

I had no idea what to expect with Ready Player One, I was not familiar with the source material and the trailers did very little for me, I was not looking forward to it. I hate to say it, but I'm a complete sucker for '80s nostalgia and RPO kinda just had me from the opening moments. This is far from a perfect film, it's honestly a bit of a mess of poor characterisation and it's a bit overblown, but I just enjoyed every minute of it. And I hate myself for that.

This is the first time I feel Spielberg has been truly creative in a long time. He has access to an outrageous display of pop-culture references and characters to throw at the screen. It's completely gonzo and I'm truly impressed at the amount of properties they were allowed to use, it's impossible to pick up on everything in one watch. While the references are primarily '80s, they pick and choose stuff from all decades to make for a film that is just an absolute wet dream for nerds like me. 

Story-wise, it's a fairly standard young-adult feeling affair, but it works. In a future society where things have gotten so bad in the real world, people spend most their time in a Virtual Reality haven called "Oasis", which is essentially the biggest video game ever created. These people live and breathe through their avatars. After the creator of the game dies, he leaves a challenge in Oasis for the players, a series of keys that must be found and the player who gets there first wins control of Oasis and the late creators fortune.

It's simple stuff, but it works. The lead Wade, played by Tye Sheridan is the every man nerd, a boy raised completely on pop-culture (I can relate). Sheridan is completely fine in the role, as is most of the cast, but the biggest problem is the characters. There really is nothing to them, they're mere pieces put there to get the story moving rather than actually people. 

This is the same for all the cast. Olivia Cooke is damn adorable and deserves far better, but is reduced to the under-baked romantic interest, despite a few moments where she gets to shine towards the end. And Ben Mendelsohn is just the most generic villain, a stuck up CEO that doesn't understand gaming and is just after controlling Oasis for profit. Spielberg's boy Mark Rylance is also here as the creator of Oasis and he is once again playing and almost(?) mentally challenged character once again, there was something endearing and sweet about his character, a man that is completely pure and only wanted to create something that people would play to enjoy, but he just comes off as a little bit special. Oh, and Simon Pegg is in this briefly in a thankless role that utilises a very hokey American Accent from him.

As uninspired as the characters are, the plot moves at such a fast pace, it never gets boring, despite being 140 minutes long. It's a complete blast all the way through. I was extremely worried about how CGI heavy this would be, and it is, but RPO gets away with it for the most part, as the film takes place mostly in the Oasis, which is meant be disconnected from reality and not feel real. 

Everything does look beautiful though, there's such a huge variety of set-pieces and locations in this world. It's a neon lit feast for the eyes, some of the scenes do look a little washed out, but I have this feeling it must just be the Blu-ray release, as a I remember it being much more vibrant in the cinema (I can't wait to eventually see this in 4K). I gotta mention the soundtrack too, nearly every song is one I listen to most days, so it was such a treat to have these '80s songs thrown in there for good measure. They really were pandering the right stuff to me.

There's so many nice little touches of detail in the action scenes that I'd missed the first time. In the thrilling opening race, there's a shot where Wade picks up coins mid race from dead players and instantly turns the coins into fuel for his car. I don't know why, but I just loved that little touch. On top of the opening race, the rest of the set-pieces are so well constructed and creative, including a long stretch taking place in Stanley Kubrick's The Shining (Which I rewatched very recently and they pay homage to it quite well).


I guess I really have a soft-spot for Ready Player One, it's not a film that'll play to most audiences. It's pure spectacle and panders to pop-culture junkies while delivering very little character, but just the pure joy I got from seeing all this happen on the screen is a feeling I rarely get. The best Spielberg has been in years and I'd take this over anything else he's done in the past decade.

8/10 Dans

Ready Player One is out now 4K UHD, Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 4th, 2018*

While Ant-Man and The Wasp is probably a much needed step down in scale after the insanely huge Avengers: Infinity War, it's also one of Marvel's most forgettable films in a while. A completely risk free piece of fluff that did nothing to stick in your mind. I usually defend the genre when people who barely watch superhero films say "They're all the same" , but when comic-book films like this exist, I have a hard time arguing with those people.

It's just such a shame, Marvel have had such a strong run these past few years. Infinity War, Black Panther, Spider-Man: Homecoming, Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2 and Thor: Ragnarok. All films that had their own unique voice and at the very least, some interesting action. For the most part, the MCU have made sequels that have massively improved on their original, with the odd exception (Age of Ultron and Iron Man 2). Ant-Man and the Wasp sadly can't even live to the decent standard of the first.

This all starts off so well, the opening 20 minutes have Scott Long/Ant-Man (Paul Rudd) stuck in his house after the events of Civil War, finding himself bored until his house arrest is over. He builds elaborate cardboard mazes, watches too much TV and routinely plays the drums. It's this sort of humanising of characters that the MCU needed, but it quickly falls apart when Hope Van Dyne/ Wasp (Evangeline Lilly) and her father, Hank Pym (Michael Douglas) enter the picture. 

From then on, it is such a dull, formulaic affair and I lost interest so fast, I fell asleep for a good 15 minutes or so towards the end of the second act. Despite this missing that much of the film, I felt I had missed nothing, I still knew what was going on, I just wish I'd slept a little longer. The villain problem is something that Marvel had struggled with in the past, but it seemed like it was a hurdle they were finally over, but it comes crashing back here with such wasted and uninspired villains in Hannah John-Kamen's "Ghost", an angry person who can shift through walls and has a personal vendetta towards Pym and Walton Goggin's Sonny Burch, a charming, Southern arms trader. Both of these fine actors are completely wasted in thankless roles.

I was also surprised at what little action there was, the first Ant-Man had some genuinely inspired set-pieces involving ants and changing sizes in the middle of a fight. The sequel just does this again with no real effect, but at a bigger scale. A car chase in the third act started off with the cool idea of a car shrinking and growing on the go to evade pursuers, but they use the same trick several times in a row and it become tiresome very quickly. I suppose a big problem was just the fact there was no emotional weight to anything, there is no real consequence. It was mostly just frustrating.

While Marvel has continued to improve in many respects, where I find them lacking is with it's lame cringe humour clearly aimed at children (Which you know, is fine, it's a kids film after all), but there is some really awful stuff here. It's not Thor: Ragnarok or Age of Ultron levels of obnoxious, but there is some real cringe, especially from Michael Pena, who is quickly becoming the worst part of every film he's in. His eye-rolling, fast talking monologues from the first film is just lazily rehashed and thrown in again here. It really did just feel like people liked it in the first one, so let's not doing anything new, so just do it again.

I know there was no way this would have anything close to the stakes of Infinity War and I didn't expect it to, but I was hoping for something far more substantial than this. If there was any word to describe this sequel, it would be "Inconsequential". The only real change by the end of film is related to Pym's wife, Janet Van Dyne (Michelle Pfeiffer), which is a spoiler, so I won't talk about that, but every character goes through no change. I still like Paul Rudd as Ant-Man, he's completely charming and watchable, but his character goes through absolutely nothing here, he's completely the same person by the end of it, it just felt so pointless. I did appreciate how Janet had more to do this time, relegated to a much more action orientated role, which is a huge improvement from here role in the first. 

I've ragged on Marvel films for looking "Televisual" and drab before, and like their villain problem, it's something they've massively improved on over the years, but they've sadly regressed once again, as a Ant-Man and the Wasp is such a bland and dull looking film, the colours are flat and looked washed out, the lighting is so plain and TV like (Expensive TV). I'm not sure if this is how director Peyton Reed wanted the film to look, but if he did, my god, he does not have the visual eye for making a good looking film. There is some good anti-ageing CGI and all the set-pieces are technically impressive, but cinematography wise? Gross.


I'm making it sound like I hated Ant-Man and the Wasp, but in all honesty, I didn't. It's perfectly watchable, just absolutely forgettable and made that much worse based on how strong the recent Marvel offerings have been. It's just such a lower tier MCU film that lacks any consequence and barely manages to be anything more than serviceable. 

5/10 Dans

Ant-Man and the Wasp is out now in cinemas in the UK
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