Battle Royale 2: Requiem (2003) - Review

Review:

*Originally written November 15th, 2016*

Jesus Christ. Where do I begin with this atrocity? I love the first Battle Royale, it's one of my favourite films. While I have brief images in my head of this sequel from when I was very young, I had never seen it fully. After rewatching the original yesterday, I thought now would be a good time to amend that. What a mistake.

The story of Battle Royale 2: Requiem intrigued me, and I really like the idea of it. The survivors of the first film start a terrorist movement against the government for what they had to go through. The government responds to this by altering Battle Royale a little and rounding up another classroom of teens to assault the terrorists. Sounds great, I'm glad they didn't rehash the first story, but the results are awful.

Not a single one of these kids are memorable. I never once cared when they died. The performances are all horrific too, especially the insanely over the top bad guy, who I loathed every minute on screen. I know the first wasn't exactly an in depth character study, but at least some of that cast were memorable and had some depth. It was nice to see some of the original characters pop up in the story through present day and flashbacks, it's just I wish they did something better with them.

My biggest problem is just how flawed his whole exercise was. The explosive collars are now paired together, so when one of them dies, they both die. What a stupid idea this was. The governments plan for taking down a group of terrorists is to send in soldiers that die two at a time? Why? That's so, so stupid.

Requiem still carries that OTT manga style gore from the first one, but it has none of the impact when you don't care for any of the events that unfold. A lot of the action is poorly done too, a lot of ugly and dirty shakey-cam and an increase on cheap looking CGI blood. The first major action scenes completely riffs off Saving Private Ryan's Normandy beach scene, but when it's done this badly, it feels like an insult.

I wish I hadn't bothered with this. A completely soulless and awful cash-in on the first and just terrible all round. I will add this film runs at 135 minutes, which is absurd for such a relatively simple concept. Honestly, just watch the first one again instead.


2/10 Dans

Battle Royale 2: Requiem is out now on DVD in the UK
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Bad Boys 2 (2003) - 4K UHD Review

Review:

*Originally written September 14th, 2018*

Honestly torn about whether this vile film is a masterpiece or a disasterpiece. Thinking about the last 150 minutes (yes, it really is that long) of my life, I'm leaning towards the latter. As utterly horrible and mean-spirited as Bad Boys 2 is, I seem to keep coming back to it, over and over again for some reason and each time I watch it, I hate myself just that little bit more.

I don't remember watching the first Bad Boys frequently when I was young, but I watched this a lot as a kid, so I was interested to see what on earth a grown up Dan would think of this. Thankfully, he saw this vile piece of work for what it is: a disgusting, abhorrent pile of shit that never should have seen the light of day. It's a horrible, nasty film made by a man who clearly has very poor social interactions with other human beings.

I rarely feel uncomfortable watching a film, but there were moments in Bad Boys 2 where I just sat there thinking to myself "This is fucking horrible". Nearly every joke is aimed at either race or sexuality. It's Bay at his most unrestrained, it really tells a lot about him. I get the feeling he doesn't like gay people, respect women and might even have a little necrophilia fetish.

This film is just vile scene after vile scene. Everything just rubbed me the wrong way, but at the same time it was a fascinating look at Bay's psyche. From it's KKK opening moments, to rat fucking, to destroying Brazil. It's oddly compelling. Gotta mention it's not Bay's worst film either, which is a fucking testament to his filmography, and is far more interesting to watch than the last 3 Transformers films. Gotta give a shout out to the opening titles where "Directed by Michael Bay" appears as a KKK member is burning a cross. I wasn't sure how to take that.

To give credit where credits due. I due appreciate some of Bay's visual flourish and I do like seeing grizzly violence in a big-budget film, which we sadly don't get anymore. This was all pretty much practical too, which I really liked. So there was nothing wrong in the action department, it's just everything else. It's blazing with Bay's unique visuals that are sadly just wasted on his atrocious lack of coherent storytelling and his childishly offensive scripts he seems to dig out of edgy teenagers bins.

The two leads are inherently unlikable. Will Smith is a psychopath devoid of any decency, he enjoys the chaos, death and destruction that unfolds around him. Martin Lawrence is annoying. His character complains about all the destruction they cause, but that never once stops him from doing it. They're just so poorly written and one note. The characters do not go beyond the premise of one's a "family man" and the other a "playboy". Every watch, these two characters get worse and worse, they have some genuine chemistry, but are just awful, awful people that would be fired within days as real cops. Their behaviour and attitude towards what they do is completely sociopathic. And don't get me started on the "Those big dead titties" scene. Fucking gross.

After watching this again, I really would love to have a pint with Michael Bay, I think he could be one of the most bizarre people in existence. His writing has the sensibilities of a 13 year old who claimed to fuck your mum during a game of Call of Duty. What am I saying, this guy is the biggest douche in the world. Bad Boys 2 is the result of giving a blank check to an utter man-baby with no morals. Who the fuck let this be 2 and half hours long?!


Bad Boys 2 is devoid of anything that's even considered morally decent, but it is a fascinating train-wreck to watch with some well shot action and visual flair. Oddly enough, I kinda want to see a Bad Boys 3? The fuck has Bay done to me? Another knockout 4K UHD release from Sony too. Much like the first Bad Boys, it is just gorgeous to look at, it's just a shame a film like this was given such a high-quality transfer.

3/10 Dans

Bad Boys 2 is out now on 4K UHD, Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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House of the Dead (2003) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written December 7th, 2016*

Uwe Boll is a director I can only describe as "Pure autism" or "Puretism" for short. Every single one of his films is a pure trainwreck in every regard. But what makes this worse is just what a self-indulgent hack Boll is as a person.

This talentless twat thinks his films are actually smart art, better than filmmakers like Michael Bay or Eli Roth. I'm not a fan of either of those filmmakers, but they are a hell of a lot better than Boll. The best work Boll ever produced was the 'Rampage' trilogy, which was self-important and ultra-violent drivel with grade-school nihilism with its opinions on society.

House of the Dead on the other hand is just pure garbage. A lame barrage of early 2000's post-Matrix special effects. It is brutal. Not a single thing about this film works. It's filled with weird creative decisions, laughable acting, an atrocious script and poor direction.

Do you remember the live-action opening cut-scene of Resident Evil on PS1 back in 1996? That campy and cheesy attempt to make the opening of a game cinematic. It was charming, but in all honesty atrocious. House of the Dead feels like that, but stretched out to a 86 minute run-time, with none of the charm.

Every character is an obnoxious dick. Everyone is so self-obsessed. There's a character who gets a little chemical burn on his face and sees himself as a monster, so he gets to nobly sacrifice himself because there was no way he could live with a scar on his face. What a terrible message. 

The female characters are also a disaster. They are all reduced to either topless roles or cleavage. Honestly, each of them either get topless at some point or spent the whole film in a revealing outfit. It was pervy, weird and just disgusting. 

I don't have much of a memory of The House of Dead games. I know the cinema I go to used to have the light-gun arcade game, but I remember nothing about the story, so I can't exactly compare. I will say this film is called 'House of the Dead', yet takes place on an island? What a misleading and false title.

There are some amazing and spectacular creative decisions that have to be seen to be believed. Transition shots between scenes insert brief clips of the video game. What on Earth were they thinking? They also used a hell of a lot of lame freeze-framing rotational cameras during the action scenes. It was outdated horrificness. When characters die, the camera pans around them as the screen flashes red. See what I mean when I describe Uwe Boll's direction as "Pure autism"?


House of the Dead is a complete failure on every level. Awful characters, lame direction, stupid creative choices, a terrible story, poor action. There is nothing to recommend with this. One of the worst films I've ever seen. The only good thing I have to say about it is that the poster is at least good.

1/10 Dans

House of the Dead is out now on DVD in the UK
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Freddy vs. Jason (2003) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written October 26th, 2017*

"KO"

I probably should have picked a better film for my last day of being 20, but nostalgia and the lack of anything else being on Netflix, plus the factor of being round a friends who wanted a horror film, I thought I'd revisit Freddy vs. Jason. A film I LOVED as a child, I watched this on DVD a lot, more than I care to remember. Watching it as an adult... it's... bad. 

The idea of pitting two of cinemas greatest slasher villains against each other is a novel idea, and one that had the potential for a lot of fun, but it's just such a mess. A confused mash-up of both mythologies that end up as a poorly directed slog of a film. It fails as both a Friday the 13th film and a Nightmare on Elm Street film.

This whole thing reeks of a cheap cash-in. It looks like shit. It's so cheap and special effects are laughably bad and outdated. There's a moment where Freddy turns into a slug and it looks like a PS2 game. It's pathetic. The lack of care and effort put into this film is embarrassing. It seems like they thought they'd have a good film just because they had these two iconic characters together. 

There were a couple of grizzly kills that I laughed at. The girl getting smashed into the tree was pretty choice. It's just a shame a lot of it is ruined by the poor visual effects. None of this stuff is creepy either. I'm not massively sure where this fits into either of the series, but each of them seem wasted. 

The brawls themselves are very weak too. We get two punch ups between the two. One in Freddy's dream world, then one in the real world. Neither are satisfying or interesting. It feels like watching someone play Mortal Kombat, but completely lifeless.


It's such a shame when things like this happen. Watching a film you loved as a kid, only to watch it as an adult and realise it's pretty terrible. Freddy vs. Jason is a pathetic attempt at a vs horror film. Made even worse by the fact this is the last on-screen appearance of Robert Englund as Freddy. What a terrible note to end such an iconic character on. Kinda surprised they never went anywhere with the sequel hinting ending though.

4/10 Dans

Freddy vs. Jason is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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Love Actually (2003) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written September 11th, 2016*

"What the fuck?"

I am speechless. I don't know what words can do this justice. Love Actually is Richard Curtis's Pulp Fiction. The man is a genius.

He has made a film so openly broad and so obvious that it had to be a spoof of the genre, but played it so straight, it works. I could not believe the events that were unfolding on screen. I was in shock. 

It is so clearly made by a man that knows how to manipulate the masses. Some of the characters were horrible, some were so overly nice you wanted to punch them, while others were annoying. Liam Neeson was fantastic though, his tears at his wife's funeral were the closest thing Love Actually had to something that wasn't artificial emotion.

I have not been in so much shock over a film since I watched Neil Breen's Fateful Findings or Tommy Wiseau's The Room. Horrific and terrible on so many levels, yet I loved every single moment. This film is 130 minutes long, but I wish it was longer.


Richard Curtis single handedly trolled every single person in the world by making what is essentially the Tango and Cash of romantic comedies. A mash up of everything that came before, but so off its tits in cliche and cheese that you sorta gotta watch it in fascination and take it all in. He obviously snorted a kilo of cocaine while watching several TVs at once that were all playing romantic comedies then proceeded to write this screenplay.

10/10 Dans

Love Actually is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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The Room (2003) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 11th, 2017*

"The peak of cinema"

My previous half star rating for my first viewing of The Room was a severe miscalculation. The Room is a powerful, funny and tragic romantic drama. Tommy Wiseau steals every frame he's in with his performance which is as unique as it is subtle. Cinema has yet to see a performance match the quality of Wiseau.

As a writer and director, Wiseau is a revelation. Subverting the melodrama with intentionally funny moments to put the audience off guard and not prepare them for the heartbreaking ending which will have grown men crying more than Terminator 2 and Logan did.

I wish Tommy Wiseau was my dad. He's a genius. A madman. A god. A king. All the above put into a blender and served to you in a messy drink that goes down easy. I cannot wait to see this man storm the film industry with his inevitable comeback.

The Room is pure cinema. Everything done wrong in a combination that has become one of the most fascinating and unforgettable cult hits. After you see The Room, it will never leave you. Tommy Wiseau will slowly become a part of you, and you don't want it any other way. 


Can we get a release date for The Disaster Artist in the UK, please?

10/10 Dans

The Room has never had an official release in the UK, but The Prince Charles Cinema in London frequently show it (Often with Tommy Wiseau in attendance)
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The whole film is also available to watch on YouTube. Please watch below:

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Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written July 13th, 2017*
 
"Fuck destiny"

Believe it or not, but Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines was the first Terminator film I'd ever seen after recording it onto a VHS tape off channel 5 when I was around 10 years old. I then did the same with 2 and 1. Yes, I watched the original Terminator trilogy in the order 3,2,1. I took what I could get as a kid.

Anyway, Terminator 3 is nowhere near as good as it used to, in fact, it's pretty poor for the most part, but it still holds a small place in my heart as I get a lot enjoyment out of it.

The biggest problem with T3 is its lack of freshness. James Cameron himself said the story was finished with T2, and I'd have to agree, it finished things beautifully on a note that still makes grown men cry to this day. Arnie and Linda Hamilton refused to be apart of this sequel, but Cameron eventually convinced Arnie that the character was as much Arnie's as it was Cameron's, so he took the biggest fee he could get and went with it.

Arnie is still wonderful as the Terminator, although some of jokes he's forced to due are pretty lame at times and extremely unfunny, but the Elton John sunglasses scene is still gold and him walking naked through a womens night at a bar to the tune of Village People's 'Macho Man' is equally as amazing.

Nick Stahl is sadly extremely irritating as John Connor. He plays the whole film as a whiny little bitch, making me wish he really did kill himself at a scene towards the end. Edward Furlong obviously couldn't reprise his role because he was another washed up and fucked up child star grown up at the time, but shit, he would have been better than this.

I always forget Claire Danes was in this, she's fine I guess. She does that annoying scream every now and then, while we also get a brief hint at her scrawny crying face she's known for in Homeland these days (She's great in Homeland though, but just an observation).

Despite being the first 12 rated film in the UK for the Terminator franchise, there is some pretty spectacular set-pieces, including an excellent car chase towards the end of the first act and I'm amazed they managed to get away with some of the grizzly scenes we get here. The TX punching her hand through a cops stomach and steering a wheel is not the image of a family friendly film. It surprises me that a film this violent can be rated the same as the much tamer 4th and 5th films in this series. What a flawed rating system the UK has.

I wasn't a huge fan of Kristanna Loken's TX (Terminatrix), her performance was weird and all over the place, it's more the writings fault than hers, as her emotionless robot for some reason, displays needless emotion for no reason. She smiles at her own satisfaction and makes weird orgasm noises when she finds out John Connor is nearby. The design of her character also lacks the charm of the simple Terminator or the T1000 of the previous film.

I do enjoy Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, but there is no denying the whole exercise is pretty stale overall as they cover the same ground the previous film did, but without the heart at the core of it or James Cameron's mastery of action. The ending is excellent though.

  
6/10 Dans

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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The Cat in the Hat (2003) - Film Review

Review:

*originally written March 1st, 2017*

"CUPCAKES?! OH YEAHHHHH!"

In the middle of Emmanuel Lubezki's (The Revenant, Birdman, Gravity) faux, bright, Lazy Town on crack cinematography lies a really sad and tragic story of two kids with no dad who escape to a drug-fuelled world in order to flee from real lifes troubles. Along the way they meet 'Cat' who sounds awfully similar to.... 'Ket'. They go on crazy adventures filled with completely filthy puns.

You mess with catto, you get the batto

I.. I don't know what I expected. It was just a nightmareish hell of puns for 75 minutes. Completely vapid and soulless trash, but at the same time the most harrowing anti-drugs film since Requiem for a Dream.

I miss Mike Myers. RIP, dude. GROOVY BABY.

2/10 Dans

The Cat in the Hat is out now on DVD in the UK
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Elephant (2003) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written June 25th, 2017*

"Most importantly, have fun, man"

Gas Van Sant isn't a director I'm massively familiar with, I've known the name for a long time, but I was surprised to find out the only film I've seen of his is Good Will Hunting and now Elephant.

School shootings are a touchy subject, one that has rarely made it into film or TV for obvious reasons. Elephant could have potentially been a highly glorified and explotive piece of violent cinema, or even worse, a heavy-handed anti-gun film. The result was neither of these. The end result is something much more fascinating and unsettling.

We follow the lives of a multiple group of students. Some lonely, others popular, then some just normal. A lot of the script is improvised, making everyone feel real and natural. There's not really a lot to these characters, as we only see one morning of their lives, but that's not the point. It's like an on-the-fly documentary, like a first hand account of what happens. There's no cinematic feel to any of this, nothing unrealistic or over the top, it's just how it was. The use of several long and unbroken takes really helped add to the realistic feeling.

There are obvious influences from the Columbine School Massacre. The shooters are clearly designed to look like them, their plan was very similar and there are small moments added to the film from first hand accounts of the massacre. I believe this was originally meant to be a film about the Columbine massacre too, but ended up its own thing. I do hope that some day we get a film about the Columbine Massacre and maybe we one day get to see the infamous 'Basement Tapes', but for now, Elephant is our definitive school shooting film.

The only thing that kinda bugged me about Elephant was it's ending. It's left ambigious and open-ended (Like the shooters motivations), but despite the unsettling and tense build-up to the disturbing and gruesome event, I was left pretty cold by the ending, it left me wanting more. I'm sure there's a lot to the ending that needs to be looked up, but for now, it just left me a little frustrated.

8/10 Dans

Elephant is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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