Carrie (2002) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written February 12th, 2016*

It really surprises me how many times Carrie has been adapted for the screen, out of all the Stephen King's work, Carrie has easily been the most milked, but now I've seen every version there is to offer (Even The Rage: Carrie 2), and I've still to read the book (I will), but out of all the offerings we've had, this is easily the worst.

Originally made to be a pilot episode for a Carrie TV show (How the fuck that was ever going to work, we'll never know), this 2002 adaption tells the same story, but the only twist is we get police interviews intercut throughout the story set after the prom massacre. This brought nothing to the table.  There's some implied city-wide destruction we haven't seen from any other Carrie story, but it was nothing more than an areal shot of some extremely fake looking buildings on fire. 

Everything here was absolutely brutal. It was made for TV and it shows, some truly shocking special effects that look like something from the lowest budget Sci-Fi Channel film ever made. Every performance is terrible, it was also weird to see Claire (The blonde Australian girl, It's been a while since I've watched it, so I'm not sure if that's her name or not) from Lost here. She's bloody tasty though, I'll give here that.

The cheap look of the film makes it almost impossible to take anything seriously. The sudden jump cuts that are made to scare you, come off as hilarious and laughably bad. The cuts where there were ad breaks are also very clear and distracting. 

This is also the longest of all the Carrie adaptions, clocking in at an unbearable 2 hours and 10 minutes. All the other versions are short and well-paced. Here, it feels like an eternity before we get to the infamous prom scene.

The prom scene itself is terrible. After an hour and 40 minutes, I thought, alright, finally, maybe some carnage can redeem this a little. Nope, this was awfully tame and terrible. Nothing had any impact and most of the deaths seemed off-screen or implied. What a fucking joke.


People took a pile of flaming shit on the Chloe Grace Moretz adaption from 2013, but that was fucking Shaft compared to this garbage. There's nothing to recommend here, aside from a few ironic laughs.

1/10 Dans

Carrie is not currently available on Blu-ray or DVD in the UK
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Act of Valor (2012) - Blu-ray Review

Review:

*Originally written February 4th, 2016* 

Wow, that was bad, like really bad. This was the first time I'd seen this since release, and it was just as terrible and laughably bad as I remember. A deeply cynical and overbearing display of "Oorah" patriotism that makes war seem like a cool video game than a real series of horrific events. It's truly disturbing piece of film-making. 

It's possibly the closest we'll get to a Call of Duty movie right now, and that's not a compliment. Act of Valor is a joke of a film, I'm sure the Navy Seals are brave and dedicated people, but my god, they could not act their way through a school play. What a misguided choice it was to cast real Seals as the leads. Every line was horribly stilted and I couldn't just help but laugh a lot.

The script doesn't help either. Filled with terrible and cliche lines, there is truly awful and cringe worthy narration too, like I was rolling my eyes every time that guy spoke. There is a ton of cheese too. This is probably the first time I've seen a film where someone shouts "grenade!" and jumps on it in slow motion without it played for laughs. The irony is unbelievable. Also, a Seal with a pregnant wife at home? Did these fucking writers even try? That guy was dead the minute the line revealing that was written. Pathetic.

While there are some genuinely decent action beats, although the overuse of first person camera shots got on my nerves. It felt like watching someone else playing Call of Duty, Battlefield or whatever the fuck. That's fine in small doses, but it is so overplayed here. The action is played as "bad-ass" and "cool" too, it feels like a glorified advert for the marines, rather than showing the true horrors of war. Sure a few of the Seals die, but there's no real weight to any of this at all. Every bad guy is a faceless cardboard cutout just waiting to get gunned down in a blaze of glorified American patriotism. 


Act of Valor is complete and utter garbage on nearly front, poorly acted, terribly written and laughably bad. A stupid film for the ADD Call of Duty generation.

3/10 Dans

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Predators (2010) - 4K Review

Review:

*Original written August 29th, 2018*

I remember being extremely excited by Predators when it was released, but disappointed I wasn't old enough to see it at cinemas. I'd always thought this was a huge improvement over Predator 2 and a big step down from the first, and it still is. I mean it's fine, there's a lot to love here and it's a huge step in the right direction after those awful AVP films, but it's still a bit of mess.

There's a cool idea at the centre of this and it shoves you right into it from opening second. A random group of dangerous humans from Earth are dropped onto an alien planet that the Predators are using as a hunting ground. It goes back to the simplistic jungle setting of the first and carries the tone right, there's a lot of homages to the original (One of the cast even carries a minigun). 

It's just one of those films that gets worse and worse as it goes on. It starts off extremely strong and eventually falls apart by the end. There's a bigger variety of Predators this time around and creatures they use as part of their hunt. I always remember this film looking quite ugly and digital, it might be the 4K transfer, but I really liked the look of it this time, the colours are a bit washed out, but the jungle looks gorgeous and the creature effects hold up pretty well, even the dog things looked way better than I remember.

My biggest problems with Predators are some of the casting. Adrien Brody is a fine actor, but he really doesn't work as an action hero. He tries to channel the ruthless hero with a gruff, Christian Bale doing Batman voice, but it just comes off as a bit shit. Plus the fact he did some silly method acting stuff for a role in a film like this. Then there's Laurence Fishburne who continues to just be the worst part of every genre film he's been in for the past decade, just brutally over the top pantomime acting that feels like its from a different film. He's the worst.

There is a decent mystery at the centre of this. You slowly learn more and more about the characters, leading to some effective reveals. Topher Grace's character in particular has the creepiest arc that makes more sense of rewatches. It's just a shame that this was clearly meant to be the start of a new chapter in the franchise and for whatever reason, starts a story that will never get finished. I'm not entirely sure why, as this got decent reviews and was financially successful. 

Most of the cast are much like the first film, one note, but kinda memorable. There are complete cannon fodder, but play their parts exactly how you'd expect. Walton Goggins is the racist hillbilly (When is he not) and Danny Trejo is the gruff Mexican. I know I'm not here for a character study piece, but maybe spending a bit more time with characters before slaughtering them could have helped. Stretching the run-time a little more could have helped.


Predators doesn't live up to the original, but it's a big improvement over the second. It could do with a lot of fixing up, but for the most part, Predators is a pretty fun 100 minutes and a decent little stop before what turns out to be a hopefully excellent Predator reboot/sequel from Shane Black.

6/10 Dans

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Predator 2 (1990) - 4K Review

Review:

*Originally written August 29th, 2018*

I've never really got on with Predator 2 and that hasn't changed here. I appreciate them trying to change the scenery up by taking The Predator to the concrete jungle of Los Angeles compared to the actual jungle, but it just doesn't work, making for something that just feels a bit off. The lack of Arnie is a bit of a killer too, even though his replacement Danny Glover is merely fine.

I always forget the weird and deranged futuristic Los Angeles this takes place in. It almost feels like a bad Sci-Fi Channel film at times, everyone has ridiculous over the top weaponry (Glover's red dot sight pistol is ugly and lame to look at) and the different gang members throughout the city are pretty cringe and lack any sort of menace. 

It does feel very '90s, compared to the '80s'ness of the first. It's a bit grimy and ugly to look at, especially when looking at the gorgeous jungles of the first. The 4K does at least make things a little nicer to look at, as the textures pop a bit more and the neon colours are much deeper, especially the night scenes, where most of the film takes place. Predator 2 has always been an uglier film, but this at the very least the prettiest it's ever been.

I do always forget how nasty and violent this is compared to the first. The first was violent, but this one takes thing up a notch. Maybe due to the gritty aesthetic, it gives it a darker edge. I saw this was originally rated NC-17 in America before cuts, so I'm interested to find out if the uncut version is available at all. There's the usually stuff you'd expect from a predator film, people are skinned, blown up and torn apart, and it is quite grizzly, even by today's standard. Luckily, there is nothing as nasty or horrible as the pregnant lady scene from Alien vs Predator: Requiem.

While Danny Glover is in no way a stand in for Arnie, he does fine. He barely feels any different from his Lethal Weapon character. He dresses the same, he's an ageing cop and has the same attitude. I was expecting him to say "I'm too old for this shit" at some point, but that sadly never happened. The highlight of the cast is easily Gary Busey, in his first role after his motorbike accident, and he's easily the best part, the film actually comes alive and feels fun when he's on screen.

My biggest problem with Predator 2 is just how dull it all feels. The action is bigger and it carries a more expensive budget, but it never catches the fun of the first and mostly just rehashes a lot of stuff, making for an action film that is competent, but ultimately kinda boring. I pin a lot of this in shoving The Predator in the city, it just doesn't work and I was they'd gone in a different direction. 

There is a cool nod to the Alien franchise that most people know about by now. The Alien skull is in the Predator's trophy room towards the end, which was a hint that Fox were working on Alien vs Predator, but it ended up taking 14 years to come to fruition, leaving the Predator franchise dormant. But in all honesty, Alien vs Predator makes Predator 2 look like goddamn Die Hard. 


Predator 2 is what it is, a '90s sequel to an '80s action classic that doubles down on action and violence, but just feels like a soulless sequel that never manages to come close to the greatness of the original, despite a few moments of watchable grizzly action.

5/10 Dans

Predator 2 is out now on 4K UHD, Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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Predator (1987) - 4K Review

Review:

*Originally written August 29th, 2018*

With Shane Black's The Predator out in a couple of weeks, I thought I'd go through the original Predator trilogy again. Timing worked out that they were just released on 4K and I just my new TV, so everything worked out okay. I will not being watching the AVP films though. I watched them both last year, and I have no desire to go back to them for a long time. 

Predator is a film of its time, a macho cheese fest of one liners and '80s action. They really don't make them like this anymore, and I miss that. It's the simplest of stories, a group of special forces soldiers are hunted in the jungle by an alien, and that's that. There's so overbearing subplots or anything overstretched. It runs with that story for a lean and mean 100 minutes. 

The Predator itself is a fine creation, the ultimate hunting machine that uses thermal vision (But, there are little hints it has more special visions that we see in later films). I always liked how nasty the Predator is, he decimates people, skins them and hangs them up. Making for some really gruesome imagery. While some of the CGI doesn't hold up, all of the practical stuff is awesome and the Predator's array of weaponry is cool and still iconic today.

It also features the manliest handshake ever committed to film. Arnie and Carl Weather's open bro-shake is now deeply rooted in memes, but it is still a sight to see. I was surprised at how much smaller Arnie looks compared to Commando which came out the year before, but I read online he lost a lot of weight to appear more like a real soldier, but he is still truly a gorgeous specimen of a man. I know Arnie isn't the best of actors, but he carries the film purely on his charisma and build. 

The rest of soldiers are fine too. They all play their part and have good chemistry with each other. Something the upcoming Predator film is clearly trying to recreate based on the trailers, but it all works. They're a variety of archetypes and clear inventions of the '80s. I'd argue that I never felt anything for any of them as they're slaughtered by The Predator, but it doesn't make it any less fun.

The biggest investment is easily in Arnie's character Dutch, who has sadly yet to resurface for any of the sequels. All the strongest stuff is towards the end, where it is just Dutch vs The Predator. There's some really cool and creative moments, especially the scene where Arnie covers his gorgeous body in cold mud to hide from The Predator's thermal vision. The Predator's laugh at the end is a bit weird and off, but you gotta give some leeway for an intergalactic alien that has a fucked up mouth and goes from planet to planet hunting their most dangerous species.

The previous releases of Predator have suffered serious transfer issues. The Blu-ray I own has the awful DNR effect that makes everything look like they're made of wax, but thankfully in this 4K transfer, Predator has never looked better. It suffers some issues in the nighttime scenes, but the day scenes are vibrant, colourful and loaded with detail. This is the first back catalogue 4K I've seen and it's great to see they're doing a wonderful job with remastering their releases. 


Predator is by far the best of the franchise so far, a perfectly entertaining '80s action slasher that displays Arnie's charisma and action chops while delivering practical and extremely entertaining action. God, I wish they still made films like this. 

8/10 Dans

Predator is out now on 4K UHD, Blu-ray and DVD now in the UK
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American Animals (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 29th, 2018*

Going into this I wasn't sure what to expect, I'd not seen a single trailer for it and I had no idea what the plot was. Literally, the only information I had was that Evan Peters was in it and there was a lot of positive buzz, which is sometimes the best way to go into something. I was so pleasantly surprised when I started to realise this was going to be a heist film. Sadly though, while this is a decent enough time, I was a bit disappointed. 

American Animals is based on a true story of 4 students who decide to rob the university's library of their rarest books. There is an odd structure to the film that really disrupts the pacing. It constantly cuts back to real interviews with the actual people from the events, giving it a Netflix'ish true crime feel, but it never truly meshes well, making these scenes feel more distracting than insightful.

The best stuff here is easily the characters struggling with their real lives and their repercussions and anxiety about the heist. There's a big deal made about having to take out the elderly woman overseeing the books, which all of the team are uneasy about, despite the constant claims that no one will get hurt. It's an interesting piece of reflection and morality that I wish the film explored more, it spends a lot of time with it, but it really could have gone deeper.

Of the 4 students doing the heist, the only 2 that get real depth are Evan Peters and Barry Keoghan. Peters character being the rebellious one who is only doing his scholarship to please his family. In all honesty, Peters gives a rather excellent performance and by far the best I've seen from him. He's an actor with so much potential, but his career is mostly wasted in that tacky horror show American Horror Story, this guy needs to break out into real films pronto. Keoghan is also decent, not as strong as he was in The Killing of a Sacred Deer, but he's fine. All the other characters feel like an afterthought. 


The heist itself is mostly gripping and tense and things go worse and worse for the characters, despite the small scale of the crime. There is a lot of build up to the heist and I appreciate that, I just wish I had more fun with this, it was just lacking in something and I just can't put my finger on it. I think I might enjoy this more on a rewatch, but for now, American Animals is just a merely decent crime thriller.

6/10 Dans

American Animals is out September 7th in cinemas in the UK

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BlacKkKlansman (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 29th, 2018*

Spike Lee is a director I'm not the most familiar with, I've seen his least critically acclaimed films, the average American remake of Oldboy and the decent (From what I remember) Inside Man, I've yet to see his truly great films, Malcolm X and Do the Right Thing. I went into this with quite high expectations and I was not disappointed. BlacKkKlansman is an angry, angry provocative work of art and possibly the most important film of the year. I left the screening with that same cold feeling of silence I got after seeing Detroit last year.

The story is a fascinating one. A young black cop Ron Stallworth (John David Washington, son of Denzel) goes undercover in the Ku Klux Klan, despite his race. It's an engrossing ride from start to finish and one of the most interesting undercover cop films I've seen in quite some time. Every scene is either tense or has something interesting going on in it, but I was surprised at how genuinely funny it could be at times. Stallworth's phone conversations with David Duke (The Grand Wizard of the KKK) are some of the funniest things I've watched in a while and has a wonderful payoff in the end.

Obviously with Stallworth being black, they have to send in a white cop for the face to face stuff, which leads to some really tense moments. Adam Driver does a wonderful job in these moments and he really is one of the best actors of our generation, I just wish his character had more of an arc, he's more just a tool of the investigation than a real character, which is fine, as this film is more or less all Washington's story. And he puts in an amazing performance, equal parts charming, genuine and cocky, he really lives up to his father's legacy and even has his voice.

What's sad about BlacKkKlansman is just how relevant it is, despite the events happening over 30 years ago. There's a lot of references to Trump's America that fit in well and feel organic while giving the film a real emotional punch. A scene that cuts between a KKK meeting and a Black Power meeting is truly one of the best scenes of the year and the final credit montage is one of ballsiest and powerful endings I can think of. I just did not expect it, but it knocked me down a punch.

Lee really captures the time too, it's filled with references and soul music from the time. There's a little moment where Stallworth and his girlfriend are debating blacksplotation films of the day and it really made me realise I need to check out more of that stuff. Oh, and the clothes and hairstyles are just a joy to look at. We need a resurgence of those in real life.

A lot of what make BlacKkKlansman work is how real it feels. I know it's based on a true story, but I was a little worried they'd do something like turn the KKK into cartoony racists that just say the N word a lot, but they don't. These white supremacists feel like real people and that's a lot scarier. The stuff they say is horrifying and truly awful, it makes me sick that people like this exist. That there are people that believe black people are actually sub-human and that the Holocaust never happened. 


BlacKkKlansman is truly amazing, one of the angriest, political films of the year with excellent performances from everyone and a deep engaging story that leaves you devastated by the end. Fuck racism.

9/10 Dans

BlacKkKlansman is out now in cinemas in the UK
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The Spy Who Dumped Me (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 29th, 2018*

Urgh, I went into this with at least the expectation of a throwaway, but entertaining action-comedy like last years The Hitman's Bodyguard, but I didn't even get that. What I got instead was a pretty unbearable two hours that felt like three. A completely forgettable and eye-rollingly bad comedy. 

I just don't know where to begin with this. Everything is just so plain, safe and boring about this. It's another adult rated spy comedy that is clearly trying to be a good time, but just comes off as boring. I'm usually a fan of Mila Kunis, so I was shocked to find myself wishing I was watching either of the Bad Moms films instead during the run-time. The only moment of real enjoyment I got out of this was Kunis playing Point Blank on an arcade machine. The Point Blank light shooter games are something me and my sister used to play on PS1 all the time and they are so underappreciated, so it was weird to see it pop up out of nowhere in this film. 

You could argue that Kate McKinnon and Kunis have decent enough chemistry together here, but it's always undercut by McKinnon just being utterly annoying. I remember McKinnon being one of the better parts of Ghostbusters (2016). Here she is in nearly every scene and she is grating. I came to the shocking revelation that she's the female equivalent to Jim Carey at his worst. Annoying, overbearing and filled with so many punchable facial expressions. It felt like an endurance test at times. It's also shame that 90% of the conversations between the two female leads is just talking about men.

McKinnon aside, all the other comedy completely fails. I didn't laugh once. It's a complete mess of tone. One moment we get some crude joke and some cock and balls thrown in our face, the next we've got our lead characters cracking jokes are an innocent Uber driver is shot in the head next to them. It was bizarre, these characters are put in this situations where innocent people are murdered in front of them and they just joke about it. It all felt so mean-spirited and made Kunis and McKinnon so unlikable. 

As a spy film it goes exactly where you'd expect. Every reveal and twist is in your face from the get-go and it goes on and it. This film in no way earns its 2 hour run-time. This could have been so much more bearable with a leaner 90 minutes. So much of this is just annoying overlong filler. I just wanted it to end. 

There are at least some decent action scenes here and there, it's a little frantic, but the ideas are there and I did appreciate how messy some of the violence was. Usually the deaths in these sorts of comedies are pretty clean overlooked. Here, it is messy and bloody. The aftermath of a restaurant massacre made for a more disturbing moment than funny. Just seeing the place covered in blood and dead bodies was just so off. I really don't know what they were going for here. 


If you like shit comedies and enjoy Kate McKinnon you might have a better time than I did with The Spy Who Dumped Me, but for me, this was just a painful and boring chore to get through. I only saw it yesterday and most of it has left my mind already, so that's probably for the best.

3/10 Dans

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The Happytime Murders (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 29th, 2018*

I wasn't massively sure what to expect with The Happytime Murders, I remember being massively intrigued by its premise (It was around the time I watched the hugely underrated puppet crime show 'The Fuzz', which I highly recommend seeking out), but I expectations were pretty much shattered by a lack of interesting trailers and the inclusion of Melissa McCarthy. 

My main problem was the lack of dedication to a hard-boiled detective film with puppets, it frequently derails itself with a bunch of cheap and crude gags rather than tell an engaging story, although there are flashes of genius here and there. I have a huge soft-spot for private detective stories and a dark, adult rated one involving puppets could have been excellent. 

If you've seen the trailer, then you know a lot of humour is based around sex or swearing. If cute, child-friendly looking puppets saying "fuck" a lot will make you laugh, then you're in for a great time. That's not to say it's massively unfunny, there are funny moments here and there, mostly due to it just embracing how crude and juvenile this is. I was reminded of Sausage Party, but this was nowhere near as boring as that. The biggest shame is that the best jokes are in the trailer. The excessive silly string jizz scene is by far the most outrageous moment and it does work, it just sucked they decided to spoil it in the trailer.

Where the film mostly lands is with its puppetry and characters. There is real creativity on display here and it pays off. The puppet work is some of the best I've scene in film, it's helped by the work of CGI, but it all works and made for some impressive set-pieces. As much as this film doesn't work a lot of the time, I am glad someone got given the budget to make an original and creative film like this, which is rare.

I'd also happily see a film franchise with these characters. Our lead character Phil Phillips is an array of private detective cliches, an alcoholic with a troubled past who has to get things together to solve the murders of the cast of a loved '80s kids show while dealing with his ex partner. It's a character that embraces the cliches and it works. I just wish they played it a bit more straight. Oh, and completely dropped Melissa McCarthy, she is just the worst in this. Every joke on her part is just about how unattractive she is. It's the same overplayed joke she does in all her films. 


I wish I had more to say about The Happytime Murders, but I enjoyed it. It's crude, offensive and not clever, but it knows this and creates an interesting world of humans mixed with puppets. There are far worse ways to spend 90 minutes. Nowhere near as bad as the critics made it out to be. Shame we'll probably never get a sequel.

6/10 Dans

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Rampage (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 22nd, 2018*

I might have been a bit harsh on Rampage the first time I saw it, I don't think I was in the mood and it made me hate it more than it deserved. Don't get me wrong, this is still a mess of a film, but it has its moments and is still one of better video game film adaptations. Part of me is glad I bit the bullet and picked up the Blu and rewatched it.

You should know what to expect from a film where Dwayne Johnson has to save his friend George (An ape) after a mysterious substance enters his cage and turns him huge and homicidal. There's also a giant wolf and crocodile involved too. After seeing the big dumb pathetic mess that was Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, it made me appreciate this much more. 

My main problem is probably with the characters. Dwayne Johnson is playing the same character he plays every film. He's got charm and charisma, but him doing the same routine over and over again has finally gotten old. I'd say the abysmal Skyscraper was the final breaking point for me, but this comes close. By far the best part was the relationship between Johnson and George, I just have a soft spot for apes, but there is some charm and chemistry between Johnson and the giant CGI creation. 

I forgot just how weird Jeffrey Dean Morgan is in this too. A Texas cowboy with a weird swagger that makes him come off more sociopathic than cool. His mean spirited treatment of one of the bad guys at the end was really odd to me and just didn't sit right with tone of this film. 

For a film about 3 rampaging creatures, there is very little action too. Most of it builds up to the final battle, in which the 3 creatures finally meet up in the city for the Rampage. While the last act is by far the most entertaining, it is a drag to get there, despite the short 100 minute run-time. There is a cool moment paying homage to Aliens early on, but that moment is far too brief and fleeting. I was surprised at some of gore and violence they were aloud to get away with in a 12A, but I seem to say that a lot. I guess times are changing and dumb family friendly aimed blockbusters are aloud to be edgier.


While it's far from great, you get what you expect from Rampage, a film best on an '80s arcade game and while it is a bit of a slog to get through, it picks up and feels sorta worth it by the end. Of the two overpriced blockbusters Dwayne Johnson has starred in this year, this is by far the best.

5/10 Dans

Rampage is out now on 4K UHD, Blu-ray and DVD in the UK. With a Blu-ray steelbook available from HMV. 

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The Equalizer 2 (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 22nd, 2018*

I don't know what's more insane, the fact Denzel Washington has never starred in a sequel to one of his own films before, or the fact that this film exists. I thought the first Equalizer was fine, a pulpy and violent time with an interesting enough character in Denzel's Robert McCall. It was simple dumb fun, a little overlong, but it did everything it needed to.

I'm not sure what I even wanted from a sequel, but what I got here was just pure disappointment. I was reminded of the sequel to Jack Reacher, a similarly formulaic affair that completely failed to live up to its first. I'm not sure what went wrong here, the creative team from the first were back and they just doubled down on the problems of the first.

I appreciate they tried to go for a more slow-burn approach compared to the first, their is very little action and the body-count is about 1/10 of the original. This didn't need to be a bad thing, but what they chose to pad this sequel out with is pure filler. There are so many subplots that add up to nothing, or gives you a pay-off that just leaves you shrugging. A particularly offensive moment towards the end that tried to tug at your heart strings made nearly vomit at the cinema. It was just so unearned and unnecessary. 

It reeks of a film trying to reach a 2 hour run-time, as the main plot of this feels as though it covers around 50 minutes of the film. Honestly, the main plot doesn't kick in till over an hour in, it was so strange. There's just lots of scenes of McCall driving around as an Uber driving trying to save people or leading a young student away from a life of crime. It could have worked a lot better if they streamlined a lot of this and focused more time on other things.

The relationship between McCall and the kid is the closest thing the film has to a heart and that could have been expanded on more, instead they just rehash a lot of territory they went over with Chloe Grace Moretz' character from the first. I know these films are based on a TV, but it really shows how much better this could work as a more expanded HBO show rather than a 2 hour film. In fact, this whole film feels like a season worth of story lines crammed into one film.

I sound extremely negative, but there were a few things I did like here. Denzel is still committed and gives a decent performance as McCall, our ex-special forces hero with OCD who decides to become a vigilante and Antoine Fuqua's direction does have visual flourish, even though it does steal a lot of ticks from Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes films for the action.

As fine as Fuqua's direction was with the action, it does lack the impact the first bought to the table, there is some really grizzly and narly kills here (It was cut from an 18 to a 15 in the UK, like the first was), it just needed more of it and more creativity. Nothing comes close of McCall's DIY rampage at the end of the first, making use of the tools around him to make a sadistic version of Home Alone. I just saw this a few hours ago and I'm failing to remember any action scenes aside from finale, which had a cool setting, but failed to do anything actually interesting with it.


It all just felt so by the numbers and boring. You know everything that's going to happen by the middle (Dear god, if you can't tell which character is actually the bad guy, then I'm worried about you). I finished the thing with more of an appreciate for the first, which is something I guess? This whole affair is just far too bland, safe and generic to please anyone other than people who just want a dumb action film on the background while they jerk off or something. We're no doubt getting a third Equalizer, but if they don't get some more creative talent behind it, then I'm out. Cinema is dead.

4/10 Dans

The Equalizer 2 is out now in cinemas in the UK. With a HMV Exclusive 4K UHD Steelbook available for pre-order. 
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The Meg (2018) - Film Reviews

Review:

*Originally written August 12th, 2018*

Well, this wasn't meant to happen. Someone greenlit a $180 million film about Jason Statham taking on a 75ft shark to be directed by Jon Turteltaub (National Treasure, Cool Runnings) no less. The weirdest thing about The Meg is not only is not atrocious, but it's actually really good fun. It's complete and utter trash, but it's also some of the most fun I've had with a film all year.

This film is a joke and everyone is in on it, it completely embraces what an absurd piece of nonsense this is and runs with it. Jason Statham is completely committed and knows what he's doing, giving us a surprising amount of charisma from him for once. The opening scene is one of the most laughable and '90s inspirations for character motivation ever (A prelude where the lead character fails to save lives, setting him up to be haunted by his choices).

I'm not familiar with the book series, but from what I gather, it is a lot more nasty and gory than this, as fun as it was, a film with shark attacks could have done with a bit more violence, possibly in tone with Piranha 3D. But, with a budget this big, there is no way they would have gone with a 15/18 rating. Based on interviews, there might be an uncut version out there though.

The creature itself is a fine piece of creation, it's not huge, but it's an intimidating monster that does some nasty stuff through the film (Especially early on to a whale and its child). It's not in it as much as I would have liked, but when it does show up, it is effective for the most part, despite from questionable CG. 

The ensemble cast are exactly what you'd expect, an array of cliche characters that each play a singular part. Rainn Wilson coming off the strongest of the supporting cast and having some of the very few moments that are actually funny out of the barrage of lame humour here. In all honesty, I did laugh at this film more than I laughed with it, which is something? Oh, I forgot, Ruby Rose is in this too, and she is just absolutely atrocious. Hollywood really needs to stop trying to make her a thing.


The Meg is exactly what you'd expect. It's simultaneously one of the most films of year, but at the same time, one of the worst, but it evens itself out to be a huge piece of entertainment. I cannot wait for a sequel where the shark 3 times the size of the one here. Fin.

7/10 Dans

The Meg is out now in cinemas in the UK, with a Blu-ray steelbook available to pre-order from HMV
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The Darkest Minds (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 12th, 2018*

Yeah, I didn't go into The Darkest Minds with any real expectations, aside from a generic Young Adult sci-fi affair and that's exactly what I got. I wouldn't have even seen this if I didn't have time to kill before seeing The Meg. There is so little to say about this, it's just another post Harry Potter attempt at creating a film series based on a collection of books. 

There's shades of X-Men thrown in there, but it's a very generic "In a future where kids are all rounded up and kept in camps because of their newfound powers, one girl turns out to be the Chosen One and escapes to join a organisation who are fighting back". It is that cliche and it hits every single beat you'd expect. There's the tacked on romance that is completely under-baked and thrown in there just to pad the film out. 

Being a film about kids who essentially have superpowers, there was obviously a lot of potential for them to do interesting things with them, it's sadly just wasted and feels like a collection of powers we've already seen in much better films. Honestly, the amount this rips off X-Men is outrageous and it just made me wish I was rewatching one of those instead of this. 

At 100 minutes it feels extremely rushed, we go from place to place very quickly and while we learn a bit about the lead character, everyone else is completely wasted and just awful. I appreciate this was constricted by such a modest budget for what it is, but it really shows. There's not really any action until the final act and when we do see it, it feels very cheap and uninteresting, a lot of what is going on is lost by setting the scene at night, which I assume was intentional. I guess I was just reminded of 2015's Fantastic Four, which felt equally rushed and was a complete mess too, but this was not quite the disaster Fan4stic was. 

I really hated the use of the lame, generic pop music to hammer home what you're meant to feel in every unearned scene. It was brutal. The only positive things I have to say about this are the lead actress was fine,Amandla Stenberg did a fine job with such awful material, I'm amazed she kept a straight face while spouting dialogue that had the depth of an "Inspirational" Instagram post.


The Darkest Minds is what it is, another failed attempt at trying to make a new Harry Potter or Hunger Games. It does nothing to differentiate from other films in the genre and I have no doubt this will fail to get a sequel. Not that anyone wanted one, this will be quickly forgotten and washed away before you know it.

4/10 Dans

The Darkest Minds is out now in cinemas in the UK
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Ready Player One (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 8th, 2018*

Spielberg is not a director who I've been the biggest fan of lately. Don't get me wrong, he's obviously cemented himself as one of the greatest directors of all time and he's made some of the greats, but the past decade has not been kind to him. The last Spielberg film I truly enjoyed outside of Bridge of Spies was War of the Worlds, which was 13 years ago. Since then, it seems to have been a barrage of insanely dull pieces of Oscar Bait. The Post and Lincoln being the two standouts of blatant eye-rolling desperation to get that Oscar gold.

I had no idea what to expect with Ready Player One, I was not familiar with the source material and the trailers did very little for me, I was not looking forward to it. I hate to say it, but I'm a complete sucker for '80s nostalgia and RPO kinda just had me from the opening moments. This is far from a perfect film, it's honestly a bit of a mess of poor characterisation and it's a bit overblown, but I just enjoyed every minute of it. And I hate myself for that.

This is the first time I feel Spielberg has been truly creative in a long time. He has access to an outrageous display of pop-culture references and characters to throw at the screen. It's completely gonzo and I'm truly impressed at the amount of properties they were allowed to use, it's impossible to pick up on everything in one watch. While the references are primarily '80s, they pick and choose stuff from all decades to make for a film that is just an absolute wet dream for nerds like me. 

Story-wise, it's a fairly standard young-adult feeling affair, but it works. In a future society where things have gotten so bad in the real world, people spend most their time in a Virtual Reality haven called "Oasis", which is essentially the biggest video game ever created. These people live and breathe through their avatars. After the creator of the game dies, he leaves a challenge in Oasis for the players, a series of keys that must be found and the player who gets there first wins control of Oasis and the late creators fortune.

It's simple stuff, but it works. The lead Wade, played by Tye Sheridan is the every man nerd, a boy raised completely on pop-culture (I can relate). Sheridan is completely fine in the role, as is most of the cast, but the biggest problem is the characters. There really is nothing to them, they're mere pieces put there to get the story moving rather than actually people. 

This is the same for all the cast. Olivia Cooke is damn adorable and deserves far better, but is reduced to the under-baked romantic interest, despite a few moments where she gets to shine towards the end. And Ben Mendelsohn is just the most generic villain, a stuck up CEO that doesn't understand gaming and is just after controlling Oasis for profit. Spielberg's boy Mark Rylance is also here as the creator of Oasis and he is once again playing and almost(?) mentally challenged character once again, there was something endearing and sweet about his character, a man that is completely pure and only wanted to create something that people would play to enjoy, but he just comes off as a little bit special. Oh, and Simon Pegg is in this briefly in a thankless role that utilises a very hokey American Accent from him.

As uninspired as the characters are, the plot moves at such a fast pace, it never gets boring, despite being 140 minutes long. It's a complete blast all the way through. I was extremely worried about how CGI heavy this would be, and it is, but RPO gets away with it for the most part, as the film takes place mostly in the Oasis, which is meant be disconnected from reality and not feel real. 

Everything does look beautiful though, there's such a huge variety of set-pieces and locations in this world. It's a neon lit feast for the eyes, some of the scenes do look a little washed out, but I have this feeling it must just be the Blu-ray release, as a I remember it being much more vibrant in the cinema (I can't wait to eventually see this in 4K). I gotta mention the soundtrack too, nearly every song is one I listen to most days, so it was such a treat to have these '80s songs thrown in there for good measure. They really were pandering the right stuff to me.

There's so many nice little touches of detail in the action scenes that I'd missed the first time. In the thrilling opening race, there's a shot where Wade picks up coins mid race from dead players and instantly turns the coins into fuel for his car. I don't know why, but I just loved that little touch. On top of the opening race, the rest of the set-pieces are so well constructed and creative, including a long stretch taking place in Stanley Kubrick's The Shining (Which I rewatched very recently and they pay homage to it quite well).


I guess I really have a soft-spot for Ready Player One, it's not a film that'll play to most audiences. It's pure spectacle and panders to pop-culture junkies while delivering very little character, but just the pure joy I got from seeing all this happen on the screen is a feeling I rarely get. The best Spielberg has been in years and I'd take this over anything else he's done in the past decade.

8/10 Dans

Ready Player One is out now 4K UHD, Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 4th, 2018*

While Ant-Man and The Wasp is probably a much needed step down in scale after the insanely huge Avengers: Infinity War, it's also one of Marvel's most forgettable films in a while. A completely risk free piece of fluff that did nothing to stick in your mind. I usually defend the genre when people who barely watch superhero films say "They're all the same" , but when comic-book films like this exist, I have a hard time arguing with those people.

It's just such a shame, Marvel have had such a strong run these past few years. Infinity War, Black Panther, Spider-Man: Homecoming, Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2 and Thor: Ragnarok. All films that had their own unique voice and at the very least, some interesting action. For the most part, the MCU have made sequels that have massively improved on their original, with the odd exception (Age of Ultron and Iron Man 2). Ant-Man and the Wasp sadly can't even live to the decent standard of the first.

This all starts off so well, the opening 20 minutes have Scott Long/Ant-Man (Paul Rudd) stuck in his house after the events of Civil War, finding himself bored until his house arrest is over. He builds elaborate cardboard mazes, watches too much TV and routinely plays the drums. It's this sort of humanising of characters that the MCU needed, but it quickly falls apart when Hope Van Dyne/ Wasp (Evangeline Lilly) and her father, Hank Pym (Michael Douglas) enter the picture. 

From then on, it is such a dull, formulaic affair and I lost interest so fast, I fell asleep for a good 15 minutes or so towards the end of the second act. Despite this missing that much of the film, I felt I had missed nothing, I still knew what was going on, I just wish I'd slept a little longer. The villain problem is something that Marvel had struggled with in the past, but it seemed like it was a hurdle they were finally over, but it comes crashing back here with such wasted and uninspired villains in Hannah John-Kamen's "Ghost", an angry person who can shift through walls and has a personal vendetta towards Pym and Walton Goggin's Sonny Burch, a charming, Southern arms trader. Both of these fine actors are completely wasted in thankless roles.

I was also surprised at what little action there was, the first Ant-Man had some genuinely inspired set-pieces involving ants and changing sizes in the middle of a fight. The sequel just does this again with no real effect, but at a bigger scale. A car chase in the third act started off with the cool idea of a car shrinking and growing on the go to evade pursuers, but they use the same trick several times in a row and it become tiresome very quickly. I suppose a big problem was just the fact there was no emotional weight to anything, there is no real consequence. It was mostly just frustrating.

While Marvel has continued to improve in many respects, where I find them lacking is with it's lame cringe humour clearly aimed at children (Which you know, is fine, it's a kids film after all), but there is some really awful stuff here. It's not Thor: Ragnarok or Age of Ultron levels of obnoxious, but there is some real cringe, especially from Michael Pena, who is quickly becoming the worst part of every film he's in. His eye-rolling, fast talking monologues from the first film is just lazily rehashed and thrown in again here. It really did just feel like people liked it in the first one, so let's not doing anything new, so just do it again.

I know there was no way this would have anything close to the stakes of Infinity War and I didn't expect it to, but I was hoping for something far more substantial than this. If there was any word to describe this sequel, it would be "Inconsequential". The only real change by the end of film is related to Pym's wife, Janet Van Dyne (Michelle Pfeiffer), which is a spoiler, so I won't talk about that, but every character goes through no change. I still like Paul Rudd as Ant-Man, he's completely charming and watchable, but his character goes through absolutely nothing here, he's completely the same person by the end of it, it just felt so pointless. I did appreciate how Janet had more to do this time, relegated to a much more action orientated role, which is a huge improvement from here role in the first. 

I've ragged on Marvel films for looking "Televisual" and drab before, and like their villain problem, it's something they've massively improved on over the years, but they've sadly regressed once again, as a Ant-Man and the Wasp is such a bland and dull looking film, the colours are flat and looked washed out, the lighting is so plain and TV like (Expensive TV). I'm not sure if this is how director Peyton Reed wanted the film to look, but if he did, my god, he does not have the visual eye for making a good looking film. There is some good anti-ageing CGI and all the set-pieces are technically impressive, but cinematography wise? Gross.


I'm making it sound like I hated Ant-Man and the Wasp, but in all honesty, I didn't. It's perfectly watchable, just absolutely forgettable and made that much worse based on how strong the recent Marvel offerings have been. It's just such a lower tier MCU film that lacks any consequence and barely manages to be anything more than serviceable. 

5/10 Dans

Ant-Man and the Wasp is out now in cinemas in the UK
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