Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written March 12th, 2017*

"More Bayhem"

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is an odd beast of a film. It never reaches the level of fun seen in the first, but it's streets ahead of the absymal trainwreck that was 'Revenge of the Fallen'.

I'm amazed the studio let Michael Bay return after the last films shambles, but whatever, he's back and he made the film 155 minutes long. Think of that, a film about fighting robots is over 2 and a half hours long, and it's not even the longest in the series. That's absurd.

It's also the third and currently final appearance of the Witwicky clan. They are still just the worst. Annoying, vexing and borderline unbearable like all the humour in this film. As bad as all the humour gets, nothing gets as irritating as the Witwicky family shenanigans.

John Turtorro and his new assistant Alan Tudyk are also brutal. Then they somehow got John Malkovich for a role I can only describe as "bizarre". That's without even getting into all the racial, sexist and homophobic stuff that's a staple of Michael Bay's films.

Tonally, Dark of the Moon is at war with itself. We go from these lame and crude jokes to scenes of innocent people getting slaughtered in these surprisingly gruesome and dark scenes that feel so out of place. This film needed better writers and a better director to make it feel natural. These films are based on kids toys, they shouldn't be this dark and miserable.

There is at least some fun to be had here. It goes on far too long, but the final battle in Chicago is pretty spectacular at times and features some really inventive set-pieces, including a scene involving a collapsing building, which was oddly a lot more thrilling than I remember.

That's where the good ends though. There are some interesting ideas. I like the thought of incorparating the Transformers into real world history, leading to an unexpected cameo from Buzz Aldrin playing himself. All these neat ideas are collapsed under the plot heavy and convoluted story. I honestly have no real idea what was going on by the end, and I was pretty numb from all the mindless action. There's also the "portal in the sky" end of the world thing that has become so tired and overdone on display here. I can't blame the film for that, as it was probably one of the first to do it, but still, it's pretty tiring to see.

One of the more interesting things was Megan Fox being replaced by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. The behind the scenes drama caused Fox to be replaced, but in all honesty, Whiteley is pretty annoying. Bay's perversion also causing her to be nothing more than a sex object. One of the opening scenes is nothing more than a tracking shot of her ass as she's walking up the stairs. Bay is just a disgusting pervert.

Dark of the Moon is a step-up from the previous film, but it once again fails due to its horribly racial, homophobic and sexist humour, Bay's gratuitous and misogynist direction and above all, it's too long by at least 40 minutes.

4/10 Dans

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

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Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) - Film Review

Review:

Jesus. I finally got to this again. Transformers: Age of Extinction. A soul-crushing, exhausting and draining piece of trash that is easily the lowest point of both the Transformers series and Michael Bay's career. Nothing in this film works. It's 165 minutes long. 165 minutes.... Who let this happen?
Working as a soft-reboot of the series, Age of Extinction gives us a new protaganist in the form of an inventor, Cade, played by Mark Wahlberg, who is at the very least, more tolerable than any of the Witwicky family. It's just a shame he's shoved in the middle of such a bloated, boring and dead-brained script.

Bumblebee

You should know what to expect from this series by now, but it's just not been fun since the first. The story is needlessly convoluted once again. The characters are all horrible. Wahlberg brings some of that wide-eyed goofy charm, but his character is oddly racist to the Irish boyfriend of his daughter.

The script makes every character just awful. The boyfriend of Wahlberg's daughter comes off as a creepy pervert as he carries round a bit of paper stating a law that gives him a loophole to date a 17 year old girl (He's 20). It's just so unneeded, weird and disgusting. No one else at particuarly memorable. T.J. Miller has a couple of funny lines, but leaves the film very early.

One of the biggest problems with Age of Extinction is its absurd length, which I mentioned before and with all the previous films in this series. This is the longest one so far, as it borders 3 hours. It's insane. I nearly cried when I saw there was still an hour left. It broke me and wore me down until there was nothing left of me.

Mark Wahlberg, Nicola Peltz and Jack Raynor

Not even the action or CGI hold up this time. Most of the character models still look great, as much as they did in previous films, but there is some weird stuff that looks like it was pulled out the '90s. It's unacceptable that a film this expensive should have special effects that bad.

The action is all borderline incomprehensible with its abhorrent shakey-cam and Bay's lack of self-restraint, making it near impossible to make out what was happening at times. There is just too much going on during the scene, making everything just seem like noise. I started zoning out and started thinking about all the collateral damage caused by all this chaos rather than enjoying it.

The score is trash too. Adding cringe-worthy lyrics into the music in order to try and earn some sort of emotional response from its audience, who should not care at all what is happening based on the poor storytelling and horrible characters.

Age of Extinction really is the worst of Bay. He's a director I despise, who sometimes surprises me (Pain and Gain, The Rock), but for the most part, his filmography is nothing more than the adolescent wet dreams for 13 year old boys. As a 20 year old, Bay really has nothing to offer me anymore. I always forget that Bay is also a 40 year old man. It's embarassing.

Optimus Prime

The only real thing I can think I liked about Age of Extinction is that it at least carries on from the aftermath of the events of the previous film and sees humanity turn on the Transformers for all the death and destruction they caused in Chicago. Which is something Batman V Superman and Captain America: Civil War did better, but that's not the point, Age of Extinction beat them to it.

Transformers: Age of Extinction isn't a film. It's a near 3 hour barrage of overdone action, CGI and spectacle in favour of anything close to good storytelling. The action and spectacle aren't even well done or exciting, it's just boring and tired by this point.

This was also meant to be Bay's final film in the series for him (As was Dark of the Moon), but he's returning for this years 'The Last Knight'. I don't expect much from it, but if it's any worse than this one, then god help us all.

1/10 Dans

Transformers: Age of Extinction is out now on Blu-ray and DVD now in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

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