Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written January 8th, 2017*

"Jungle Fever"

A sequel to Jumanji coming this late seems like an odd prospect. The first is a treasured childhood classic for a lot of people and the death of Robin Williams just made this seem like an awful idea, then there was the casting of Kevin Hart and the truly awful trailers. Much to my surprise, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle is far from the disaster I expected, it's not great, but for the most part, it's perfectly serviceable entertainment.

Updating Jumanji into a video game is something that sounds awful on paper, but works pretty well on screen. They expand the rules of the board, so I guess it can adapt to its surroundings and manipulate anyone around it into playing it. The board was still left exactly where it ended up at the end of the first film, which was a nice touch too.

Things start a little slow, the new cast of kids are actually pretty annoying and kind of assholes. There's the shy nerd, the jock, the hot, self absorbed blonde and the girl who doesn't quite fit in. I have a hard time trying to remember any of these characters. We spend quite a while with them before they enter the board game, it's just a shame the time we spend with them is pretty dull and just feels like a poor mans Breakfast Club.

Once we enter Jumanji, things really start to get fun and pick up. The cast are great (Aside from Kevin Hart, who is just annoying). Dwayne Johnson is just pure charisma from his appearance alone. Karen Gillian is great as the scantly clad explorer with a decent character arc and Jack Black steals the show by being the funniest part. I will mention Bobby Cannavale, who is completely wasted as the villain, a boring piece of cardboard that left no impact. He was nothing on the hunter from the original.

While the CGI is blatant and obvious, there is a lot of fun with the set-pieces. It's over the top and ridiculous and lacks the charm of the original, but it's highly entertaining to watch. There's some cool stuff with the video game elements. Each character has their own unique skills and abilities, some silly and some hilarious (Pie). 

There's really very little to say about Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, it's just very basic and undemanding entertainment, you enjoy what you watch, but by the end of it there's very little to process. I will say I loved the ending though. A huge "Fuck you" to films that end with sequel bait. That said, I wouldn't say no to more Jumanji in the future.

6/10 Dans

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle is out now in cinemas in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

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David Brent: Life on the Road (2016) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 22nd, 2016*

"Gervais. Stop."

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching Ricky Gervais’ latest film, David Brent: Life on the Road, it’s that David Brent was never what made The Office truly great. While he was a likeable and misguided buffoon, he had a heart that brought an emotional core to the show, but it was the rest of the cast that brought balance to the show. Life on the Road is 90 minutes of non-stop David Brent in your face, and it is insufferable.

Life on the Road takes place several years after Brent’s run on The Office and a documentary crew catch up with him as he takes a month away from his job as a tampon salesman in order to take his band ‘Forgone Conclusion’ on the road in one last effort for a shot at fame.

Ricky Gervais still plays David Brent to near perfection, he’s just as pathetic, embarrassing and cringe-worthy as he was in the early 2000s. For the first 20 minutes I was in a state of euphoria, I was loving it. While Gervais’ recent output has been anything but good, I was really hoping he could bring it back with the revival of his most loved character. And he did. For 20 minutes.

Before Brent actually goes on tour, things seem great and hopeful. The jokes come thick and fast, they mostly all land, but then it hits a slump that it never recovers from and being with Brent is insufferable. I will admit I wasn’t the most positive about going to see Life on the Road, but I never wanted it to be bad. But spending 90 minutes with Brent and his annoying laugh is a tedious chore that should have never left its 20 minute segments on TV.

There are a few moments of greatness littered throughout and there some really, really good songs. ‘Don’t Make Fun of Disableds’ was a highlight, and we once again get to hear ‘Equality Street’ from the Red Nose Day special. This was all fine, but when the focus shifted from the gig to Brent, things came tumbling down.

My biggest disappointment was with what they tease us with, but never explore. We early on discover that Brent has been clinically depressed, been in therapy and is on anti-depressants, which would have made for far more interesting material than him desperately trying to cling to fame. These elements are talked about in all but two scenes then are quickly discarded like it’s not important. Any time they go anywhere near interesting or dark, they back away in favour of crude and cringe-worthy humour, which was frustrating to say the least.

In terms of Brent’s arc throughout. None of it is earned. His band members hate and find him annoying at the beginning, refusing to drink with him unless they’re paid, but do a complete 180 in the final moments which felt completely unnatural and weird. There was no real reason for this character change. I feel Gervais bullet pointed that at the beginning of the film the band hate him, but at the end they like him, but he completely forgot to write why this happened. It was very lazy and a way to force an emotional moment for the audience that didn’t work at all.

The lack of characters from The Office was very disappointing too. I know this a David Brent film and not an Office film, but aside from a couple of references to gags from The Office, it added an extra layer of disappointment that Brent doesn’t even mention or stay in contact with any of the characters from The Office. Which is pretty much against everything the perfect Christmas special delivered. It was all just depressing, I’m not saying a forced cameo from Tim, Dawn, Gareth or Finchy would have helped things, but some acknowledgement would have gone a long way.


I’m really in the camp that Stephen Merchant should have been part of this . While Brent is Gervais’ baby, Merchant has been there since his inception and really helped mould the character to what  we saw in The Office, without him, it all just fell flat. I wouldn’t say I “hated” Life on the Road, but I wouldn’t say it’s a good film at all, it is definitely  bad, disappointing, annoying and a far cry from the once great work from Gervais such as The Office and Extras. There’s a certain irony to all this. Gervais has practically become Andy Millman from Extras, a sellout trying to milk characters that should have stayed buried. It’s sad and pathetic, and quite upsetting that Gervais has slumped so low after such greatness. Please, Gervais. Just stop.


3/10 Dans

David Brent: Life on the Road is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

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Bottom 10 Films of 2017

While it's been an excellent overall year for films, that doesn't change the fact there has been some absolute garbage. I've refrained from adding straight-to-DVD films because that would be too easy. The rules are the same, films released in 2017 (UK release dates) and some dishonourable mentions. Let's get to it and give me some Vietnam style PTSD from having to remember them films existed. There'll also be links to the full review of the films I did review.

10. Power Rangers

What could have been dumb fun turned out to be a mercilessly dull and self-serious take on a campy kids action series. It was more in line with 2015's Fantastic Four than anything close to fun. A laughably bad tonal mess with an outrageous amount of Krispy Kreme product placement.

9. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Let's be honest, the Resident Evil films have never been much good, and this isn't even the worst one, which is a hell of an achievement. A incomprehensible mess of poor editing and pitch black lighting, making the action impossible to follow and extremely boring. The title is also just a complete lie. It's time for a reboot.

8. The Snowman

One of the strangest messes of the year. The Snowman had no right to be as bad it was. A bland and boring serial killer drama with one of the most laughably bad performances of the year from Val Kilmer, who now looks like the weird love child of Brad Pitt and Tommy Wiseau.

7. Unforgettable

Somehow this film got made. A film that was barely TV movie quality and somehow managed to push the portrayal of women back a few decades. Katherine Heigl was at least fun to see go so over the top, but for the most part, it was just tacky shit.

6. Flatliners

There's not a lot to say about Flatliners, a remake that was disguised as a sequel, yet had absolutely no relation to original, despite Kiefer Sutherland reprising his role from the original, but he wasn't even the same character. A poor remake that has quickly and thankfully been forgotten already.

5. Killing Gunther

I'm a sucker for anything with Arnie in it. So was kinda excited for Killing Gunther, an action comedy with a novel idea. The end product turned out to be a cheap piece of VOD garbage that has Arnie in it for 10 minutes, and when he is on screen, he's just rehashing famous one-liners to cringe-worthy extent. Embarrassing. 

4. The Bye-Bye Man

The Bye Bye Man is pathetic, a laughably terrible and cheap teen horror film that does nothing right. The tagline for the film comes as a warning about the film itself.

3. The Emoji Movie

I came to a realisation while watching The Emoji Movie. Live is meaningless and nothing we do matters.

2. Fifty Shades Darker

Somehow Fifty Shades Darker managed to be even more awful than the first. There's still the laughable novelty of hearing some of the most cringe-worthy dialogue of the year, but it's mostly just dull and boring. This one at least had some of the most outrageous and out of nowhere plot developments that went nowhere. At least there's just one more of these to go and I imagine you'll be seeing that on my bottom 10 of 2018 too.

1. Transformers: The Last Knight

While barely better than the previous entry, Age of Extinction. The Last Knight is still just cinema at its worst. Barbarically overlong, stupid and boring, filled with Bay's trademark childish humour and action that has just got tired by this point in the series. I'd never wanted to die as much as I did after watching this steaming turd of a film.

Dishonourable mentions:

1. iBoy

2. Rings

3. Hidden Figures

4. xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

5. The Boss Baby

6. The Belko Experiment

7. Geostorm

8. Rough Night

9. Sandy Wexler

10. The Assignment

There we go. Now let's enjoy another year of potentially awful films! Salud! 

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Top 10 Films of 2017

I don't want to talk in hyperbole here, but I honestly believe that 2017 has been the strongest year of cinema in which I've been alive from what I can remember. It helps that I've managed to more or less see every release I've wanted to see this year, with the exception of The Killing of a Sacred Deer, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, The Greatest Showman and a few more. This is also based on UK release dates, so a lot of films that are technically this year that aren't released till 2018 in the UK will count as next years list (The Shape of Water, Phantom Thread, Coco etc). I also saw Three Billboards in 2017, but I'm counting that for next years due to the release date being at the end of January. Let's get started anyway. Links to my full reviews will be on each film.

10. Dunkirk 

Christopher Nolan's war epic had a lot going against it: A 12A rating, a strangely short run-time and the odd casting of Harry Styles, yet it all worked so well. An intense survival story that is more concerned with intensity than cliche and sentimentally than most war films suffer from. Harry Styles also managed to be an inspired piece of casting. 

9. mother!

While hated and ignored by the mainstream due to its strangeness and uncompromising vision, I adored Darren Aronofsky's hardcore and terrifying horror film that just unfolds and unfolds until the last act explodes with some of the most insane content I've seen in a cinema ever. It's been a few months now, but everything I saw from this is still very fresh in my head.

8. War for the Planet of the Apes

No one expected the reboot to the Planet of the Apes series to be this good, but we're finally at the end of Caesar's story and it went out in the most heartbreaking and poignant way possible. A blockbuster that was far more focused on character and story than it was mindless action and spectacle. Not to say the action wasn't spectacular, as it was, thanks to the insane CGI used to create Caesar that is still raising questions as to whether Andy Serkis can bag an Oscar in a motion capture suit (He should).

7. The Florida Project

I have yet to see Sean Baker's previous film Tangerine, but after being blown way by this I really need to. A desperately sad, but touching and sweet look at the outskirts of Disneyland Florida. An indie-comedy drama most people won't see, but I really recommend you dig this out and give it a go.

6. La La Land

There was a time where I thought La La Land would be my film of the year, but it somehow managed to not land the top spot. A gorgeous and endlessly watchable musical drama with some of the best energy I've seen for a while. And this is coming from someone who hates musicals.

5. The Disaster Artist

Somehow a film about the making of the worst film ever made managed to be one of the best films of the year. A touching look at trying to achieve your dreams as an actor in Los Angeles while everyone is against your vision. Also, by far the best comedy of the year thanks to James Franco's career high best as the always fascinating Tommy Wiseau.

4. Baby Driver

Once you look past the silly title (Which does make sense), Baby Driver is one of the best films of the year. An electric musical action comedy with the best soundtrack of the year filled with classic rock and a variety of everything. Edgar Wright can do no wrong at this point.

3. T2 Trainspotting

Trainspotting has always had a special place in my heart, I've seen it several times and while seeing these characters again sounded appealing, the 20 year gap and general lack of success with belated sequels had me worried (That awful title too), Danny Boyle managed to surprise me and deliver a film that adds a lot to the first one while taking the characters in new directions. I'd really like to see these characters return in the future too.

2. Blade Runner 2049

Blade Runner 2049 is one of those rare sequels that not only improves on the original, but completely blows it out the water. Denis Villeneuve has made a gorgeous and fully realised film that takes its time and delivers one of the most emotional experiences of the year. It's also nice to see Harrison Ford not phone it in for the first time in a while. Fuck Jared Leto though.

1. Logan

It wasn't going to be anything else. Huge Jacked Man's 17 year run as The Wolverine came to a beautiful and powerful end in a film that was a more a quiet western than it was anything close to a superhero film. A brutal, bleak and depressing drama and the best thing to happen to superhero films since The Dark Knight. The fact Logan won't even get nominated for any Oscars at all is an embarrassment. 

Well, that's my top 10, but here is some honourable mentions:

1. Raw

2. John Wick: Chapter 2

3. Good Time

4. Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2

5. Get Out

6. Battle of the Sexes

7. Atomic Blonde

8. Brawl in Cell Block 99

9. Moonlight

10. Detroit

11. American Made

12. 20th Century Women

13. Star Wars: The Last Jedi

14. Silence

15. Wind River

16. Kingsman: The Golden Circle

17. IT

18. The Handmaiden

19. Song to Song

20. Fences

Thanks for reading and here's to a hopefully excellent year of films. Also look out for my bottom 10 films of the year soon.

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The 2017 Figment Reviews Awards

Each year I try and do something a little different. An alternative award list with some awards that probably aren't politically correct, but hey-ho. Who gives a shit. A lot of these awards are named after in-jokes and references, but they should mostly make sense. Also, all these awards are based on UK release dates. I know a lot of these films are technically 2016 releases for some people. Huge spoilers too.

The "I Now Know Why You Cry" Award

AKA: Saddest Moment

Nominations:

Logan - Wolverine's Death

War for the Planet of the Apes - Caesar's Death

La La Land - Fools Who Dream

Okja - Every Scene of Animal Cruelty
The Florida Project - Child Protective Services


Winner:


Logan

Was it going to be anything else? Huge Jacked Man's 17 year run as Wolverine come to an end in the most violent and emotional way possible. He's mortally wounded while fighting a raged clone of himself then dies holding his daughter's hand and says "So that's what it feels like". Perfect. Bonus points for the use of the cross turning into an X.

The "Gravy to My Ears" Award

AKA: Best Soundtrack

Nominations:

T2 Trainspotting

Baby Driver

Atomic Blonde

La La Land

Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2


Winner:


Baby Driver

I was torn between this and T2 Trainspotting, but Edgar Wright's action, musical comedy just about wins it out with its varied use of music new and old. Plus, I've listened to the soundtrack near enough every day since the first day I saw it.

The "That Also Sounds Like Gravy" Award

AKA: Best Score

Nominations:

Logan

Dunkirk

Raw

John Wick: Chapter 2
It
Blade Runner 2049

The Foreigner



Winner:


Dunkirk

My main man Hans Zimmer at it again with Christopher Nolan. Could listen to that ticking clock all day. 

The "Feast for Thine Eyes" Award

AKA: Best Looking Film

Nominations: 

Logan 

T2 Trainspotting

Atomic Blonde

War for the Planet of the Apes
Blade Runner 2049

Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

John Wick: Chapter 2

Ghost in the Shell
The Florida Project
Star Wars: The Last Jedi



Winner:

Blade Runner 2049

There's no question Blade Runner would win this. Every frame of this masterpiece is a goddamn work of art. There were some good looking films this year, but nothing came close to the beauty of Blade Runner 2049.

The "Just How I Like my Bacon" Award

AKA: Hottest Woman

Nominations:

Charlize Theron - Atomic Blonde

Lily James - Baby Driver

Garance Marillier - Raw

Cara Delevingne - Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Elle Fanning - 20th Century Women
Daisy Ridley - Star Wars: The Last Jedi




Winner:

Elle Fanning - 20th Century Women

I'd be lying if I said Elle Fanning smoking cigarettes and making orgasm noises wasn't one of my favourite things of the year.

The "Waste of Money" Award

AKA: We Put Too Much Money Into Trying to Jump-start a Franchise and Failed Miserably

Nominations:

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Assassin's Creed

Power Rangers

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets



Winner:

Power Rangers

I never expected to enjoy Power Rangers in all honesty, but I at least expected something fun out of it, instead what I got was something more in line with the abysmal Fantastic 4 film from 2015, rather than the recent G.I. Joe films. A complete misfire on every level, including an embarrassing performance from Elizabeth Banks.

The "That's a Damn Good Action Scene" Award

AKA: Best Action Scene

Nominations:

Logan - Attack on the Compound

Atomic Blonde - Stairway Fight

John Wick: Chapter 2 - Art Gallery Showdown

Baby Driver - Hocus Pocus Chase
Kingsman: The Golden Circle - Finale



Winner:


Baby Driver - Hocus Pocus Chase

Baby Driver is filled with memorable action scenes, but the foot chase set to Hocus Pocus by Focus is by far the highlight. A perfect scene of kinetic energy and genius sound editing. Never stop, Edgar Wright.

The "Just Fucking End Already" Award

AKA: The Film that Was Way Too Long

Nominations:

Transformers: The Last Knight

Baywatch
Power Rangers
Kingsman: The Golden Circle



Winner:


Transformers: The Last Knight

Despite being shorter than Michael Bay's last monstrosity of a Transformers film, The Last Knight still clocks in at an absurd 150 minutes of mind-numbing stupidity that made me want to die.

The "Thank God it's Not a Remake, Sequel or Reboot" Award

AKA: Best Original Film

Nominations:

Baby Driver

Raw

La La Land

Get Out

Colossal

A Cure for Wellness
The Florida Project



Winner:

The Florida Project

The Florida Project is unlike anything you'll see this year. A quiet, funny and heartbreaking look at the backdrop of Disneyland Florida. I really can't stress enough that you should seek this out and see. It's one of the most wonderful things I've seen in a while.

The "Netflix Films are Mostly Garbage" Award

AKA: Worst Netflix Original Film

Nominations:

Iboy

Sandy Wexler

Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie

Naked
Little Evil


Winner:

Iboy

Iboy really was as stupid as its title and premise was. A boy's phone explodes in his head and he gets Watch Dogs like powers. God help us all.

The "What the Fuck? Netflix Finally Made a Good Original Film since Beasts of No Nation" Award

AKA: Best Netflix Original Film

Nominations:

Okja

To the Bone

I Don't Feel at Home in This World Anymore

Small Crimes
Death Note
Wheelman


Winner:

Okja

I never saw Okja coming. The trailers looked weird, but I was intrigued, an extremely effective and sweet pro-vegetarian film that actually feels like a cinematic film from Netflix. My biggest regret was not being able to see this in a cinema.

The "I Want to Die" Award

AKA: The Film That Emotionally Drained Me (for the wrong reasons) the Most and Made me Want to Die

Nominations:

Transformers: The Last Knight

Fifty Shades Darker

Iboy

The Belko Experiment 
The Emoji Movie


Winner:

Transformers: The Last Knight

It wasn't going to be anything else. For all the reasons I listed before, The Last Knight is another putrid piece of "Entertainment" from the man-baby mind of Michael Bay. Fuck everyone involved with this garbage.

The "What the Fuck Did I Just Watch?" Award

AKA: The Most Batshit Insane Film I've Seen All Year

Nominations:

Unforgettable

The Boss Baby

The Book of Henry
mother!

Winner:

The Book of Henry

Words cannot describe The Book of Henry, a film so terrible, misguided and tonally wrong it has to be seen to be believed. Whether you're in shock or just laughing at it, you will have a good time with it.

The "Oh, Jeez. I Wanted to Love That" Award

AKA: Biggest Disappointment

Nominations:

Free Fire

It Comes at Night

Alien: Covenant
The Snowman


Winner:

The Snowman

The Snowman should have been excellent, a brutal and compelling crime-thriller with an always fantastic Michael Fassbender. Instead we got one of the weirdest messes of the year, a barely above TV film quality film with strange editing choices and one of the razziest performances of the year from Val Kilmer. Shame.

The "Oh, Jeez. I Didn't See That Coming" Award

AKA: Biggest Surprise

Nominations:

The Lego Batman Movie

Split

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Okja

Gifted

Miss Sloane

Ghost in the Shell

Life

A Cure for Wellness
Detroit
The Florida Project
The Disaster Artist


Winner:

The Disaster Artist

I never expected The Disaster Artist to be an genuinely good as it ended up being. A film about the making of the worst film of all-time focused around one of the strangest enigmas to ever come to Hollywood. Somehow it all works, a funny and heartfelt tribute to the creative process with a career best performance from James Franco.

The "Comeback" Award

AKA: Something Good From Someone Who Went Through a Period of Shitness

Nominations:

M. Night Shyamalan - Split

Arnold Schwarzenegger - Aftermath

Spider-Man - Spider-Man: Homecoming

DC - Wonder Woman


Winner:

DC - Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman was a very short lived victory for DC and Warner Brothers, despite looking to finally be on track with the first proper female led superhero film, they managed to completely fuck it a few months later with the release of Justice League. I'll give them this though, Wonder Woman is a hopeful and vibrant film and possibly the best film DC has released in their new universe. 

The "Choose Nostalgia" Award

AKA: The Most Nostalgia Put in One Film

Nominations:

T2 Trainspotting

La La Land

The Lego Batman Movie

Beauty and the Beast
The Disaster Artist


Winner:


T2 Trainspotting

Trainspotting 2 had a lot going against it before it was released, it could have been a blatant rehash of the original, but instead what we got was a heartfelt tribute to nostalgia. Despite these characters going in new directions, they look into the past and nearly every iconic moment from the first is referenced. It's something that shouldn't have worked, but it somehow did. Making it one of my favourite films of the year and I honestly wouldn't mind seeing these characters again in the future.

The "The Fuck Just Happened?" Award

AKA: Worst Editing

Nominations:

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Transformers: The Last Knight

The Bye-Bye Man

Kidnap


Winner:

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

The misleadingly titled final entry into the Resident Evil film series had potential to be dumb fun at the very least, but instead it's one of the most broken and confused films in the series. The action is incomprehensible and impossible to follow. Characters die and we don't even know who it was. I spent the whole run-time scratching my head wondering what was happening. 

The "We Don't Have Kick-Ass 3, but we Got This Shit Instead" Award

AKA: Worst Sequel

Nominations:

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Transformers: The Last Knight

xXx: Return of Xander Cage

Fifty Shades Darker


Winner:

Transformers: The Last Knight

I have nothing left to say about this garbage film.

The "Fucking Oscar-Bait Bullshit" Award

AKA: Most Blatant and Offensive Oscar-Bait

Nominations:

Hidden Figures
Detroit
Patriot's Day
Fences
Miss Sloane

Winner:

Hidden Figures

This feels like a weird film to pick on, but nothing about Hidden Figures worked for me. I found it to be a lame and cringe-worthy biopic that was more interested in trying to win awards than tell its interesting story. Safe, crowd-pleasing bullshit.

The "They're Not Friends, They're Family" Award
AKA: Most Absurd use of the word "Family"

Fate of the Furious
Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2
Baywatch
Power Rangers

Winner:

Fate of the Furious

Fact: If you spend more than 40 minutes with Dominic Toretto, he will consider you "Family", if even you murder his friends.

The "Pure Cinema" Award
AKA: Good or Bad, This is Cinema in its purest form

mother!
Dunkirk
Moonlight
Baby Driver
The Florida Project
A Ghost Story
The Disaster Artist


Winner:

mother!

mother! is one of the riskiest studio horror films ever made. A film made to divide audiences, a film that the stupid mainstream would hate purely for not letting them understand it. For better or worse, mother! is pure expressionistic vision put on screen with no compromise. It's pure cinema. 


The "That's Entertainment" Award
AKA: The Film That was Most Fun to Watch

Baby Driver
Fate of the Furious
Kingsman: The Golden Circle
Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2
American Made
John Wick: Chapter 2
The Disaster Artist


Winner:


Baby Driver

Baby Driver is pure entertainment, an endlessly re-watchable ride that gets more fun with each watch. I know I'll be watching this on repeat till the day I die. 

That is all. Thanks for reading. I'm open to more suggestions for stupid awards. God bless and happy new year.

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