Robin Hood (2018) - Cinema Review

Review:

*Originally written November 28th, 2018*

From the Disney animated classic to Ridley Scott's 2010 adaptation and even the BBC series that I quite liked as a kid, I've been exposed to the Robin Hood legend a lot, but I'm always up for seeing this story told again, for whatever reason. Sadly, this absolute mess that doesn't know what it wants to be is a misfire on nearly all fronts.

After Guy Ritchie's King Arthur, a completely insane and interesting colossal flop from last year failed to get audiences attention, it's incredible to me that a studio put so a ludicrous amount of money into giving Robin Hood the same treatment, but without Guy Ritchie's direction at the forefront, just some TV director jobber trying to emulate his style. 

What's frustrating is just how by the numbers this facade is and how it does absolutely nothing to justify its existence. It's a bit more light-hearted and arguably more entertaining than Ridley Scott's slog of an epic, but it's nowhere near as interesting and does exactly what that tried to do, but dumber. I'll always have a soft-spot for the Robin Hood legend as he is the true communist we need in such a capitalist world. I was almost cheering when Robin gave his speeches about the rich stealing money from the people who actually do the labour to make the profit. Preach, brother. We have nothing to lose but our chains.

I was shocked when this finished and I discovered it was only 100 minutes, it felt like at least 2 hours. Which is probably due to having seen so much of this before. It's just so charmless and bland. Not even a solid cast can save it. Taron Egerton is one of these recent actors who seemed well suited to the role, but he's just so generic and bland here, he lacks any real kind of charm or charisma. Oscar winner Jamie Foxx is cast as an Arabian (For some reason) and he is so over the top and silly, he felt like something from a different film. Eve Hewson is the generic damsel in distress as Maid Marion, a character defined entirely by her cleavage. Tim Minchin brings a little bit of distracting humour to his role as he does a bizarre Bill Bailey impression.

Ben Mendelsohn is a fantastic actor, so it's such a shame to see him falling back into the same boring villain role he seems to get cast in all the time these days. A menacing and forgettable cliche that chews the scenery, but lacks anything close to resembling a character. His career reminds me very much of Christoph Waltz after Inglorious Basterds. They saw he could play a good villain, so they just kept casting him in the same role with diminishing returns each time. Between this, Rogue One and Ready Player One, I could not tell you a thing that separates Mendelsohn's characters.

The action shows some signs of style here and there, but is consistently butchered by hacky editing and annoying slow-motion that feels insanely outdated in 2018. The Matrix was 19 years ago. Get over it. It was fun to see Robin's insane bow-play now and then though, I honestly wish they did some of the action in the vein of John Wick's "Gun-Fu", but with bow and arrows. How much better would that have been?

It's also pretty clear that they wanted to hire Hans Zimmer for the score here, but instead just got someone in to create a knock-off of his Dark Knight score. I was in disbelief at how similar it sounded to his work. Zimmer needs to start a lawsuit here. It was laughable. 


This whole thing just does not know what it wants to be. It opens with "Forget anything you know about history", but then goes on to tell a story we've seen several times with no changes. It even has a shameless sequel bait ending for a film that will never see the light of day considering this is tracking to be one of the biggest bombs of the year. It's no loss. Can't wait for the next Robin Hood reboot in 2028 mimicking the style of whatever's popular then.

4/10 Dans

Robin Hood is out now in cinemas in the UK
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The Girl in the Spider's Web (2018) - Cinema Review

Review:

*Originally written November 28th, 2018*

I suppose I might have expected a little too much from this. A sequel to one of David Fincher's masterworks where he did't return and neither did the cast. It's more a soft reboot than a sequel, but I had high expectations with Fede Alvarez chosen to direct. Especially after his solid Evil Dead remake and masterfully tense Don't Breathe. 

Sadly, this feels very far removed from the Girl in the Dragon tattoo series that I know. I'd only ever seen the original Swedish film and Fincher's remake. Despite the involvement of Alvarez, a director who thrives with grotesque content and extreme violence and gore, this sequel feels remarkably toned down and different in order to appeal to a much more mainstream audience. It honestly feels more like a James Bond film than what came before. The similarities between this and Spectre are striking. 

Fincher's film opened with stylish James Bond knock-off opening credits and this one follows that tradition too, but something just feels off and not right with it. Maybe it was the lack of a memorable song or visuals, and the fact it so brief and didn't fully commit to it. I can't quite pinpoint why that didn't work for me.

What's most disappointing is just how formulaic this all seems. It feels like an extended episode of TV where everything goes where you expect it to. Dragon Tattoo was an exhausting and complex mystery film, whereas Spider's Web feels more like a dumb action film where Lisabeth Salander has to get back an experiment government programme that has been taken by her evil albino sister who now runs a terrorist organisation. It just felt so tonally off from the more grounded and real evil that haunted the previous films.

As disappointing as this was, it does show flashes of genuine tension and enjoyment. Alvarez delivers some really disturbing and weird visuals that can't live up to Fincher, but they do a damn close job at times. As much as the script is an utter mess, the visual style is on point. There's even some decent and creative action scenes, they just lack the visceral brutality the series is known for.

Claire Foy does a good job as Lisabeth, she has the cool, ice cold demeanour with a lot going on there if you know the character, it's just the script fails to explore the character at all, leaving her a bit one-note. Despite the events of what she goes through, by the end of the film she's pretty much the same person and goes through very little development, leaving the whole thing feel a little pointless if they plan to continue this franchise (They won't, this bombed). 

Lisabeth's thought dead sister played by Sylvia Hoeks was just ridiculous. She looked and felt like some comic-book villain with an anime character look. It's just completely out of place in this world. I just don't know what the hell they were thinking. Despite being such a prominent part of the marketing, she doesn't even really appear properly until the last 20 minutes and completely derails every scene she's in.

I was at least pleasantly surprised to see British comedian Stephen Merchant appear in his first fully dramatic role and was not just the comic relief, which I feared when I saw his name in the credits. His role is brief, but he actually does a really good job at drama. I'd really love to see him star in his own drama series at some point and see how he does there.


While The Girl in the Spider's Web is very much a letdown in many regards, it's still perfectly decent and watchable thriller that shines when Alvarez's style is allowed to shine through, it's just a shame its hampered by such a inane and silly script that feels tonally off from anything that's come before this. Since this is isn't doing so well, I'd say the best thing they can do is once again reboot this series and return to the dark horror its known for.

6/10 Dans

The Girl in the Spider's Web is out now in cinemas in the UK
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The Devil's Rejects (2005) - Blu-Ray Review

Review:

*Originally written November 24th, 2018*

Almost every part of me wants to hate Rob Zombie's The Devil's Rejects, his homage to '70s horror and crime cinema and sequel to House of 1000 Corpses, but for some reason, I find myself enjoying it a tiny bit more with every watch. It's utterly repulsive, completely unrestrained and just bat-shit insanity. It's Rob Zombie's vision put on the screen without a single bit of compromise.

I'm still unsure how I feel about Zombie himself as a director. He certainly has a vision, style and tone that feels unique to himself, which is something I always like in a director. A Rob Zombie film FEELS like a Rob Zombie film for better or worse. His films vary in quality, but out of what I've seen (Only Lords of Salem left to watch) I'd say this is by far his best work. On only his second film, he's let off the leash to deliver his sun-drenched horror show of sadism.

I remember very little about House of 1000 Corpses, so I'm not entirely sure how it connects aside from the use of the Firefly Family. Anyway, it finds the last surviving members of the family on the run after their 75+ murder spree is finally connected to them go on a road-trip to escape the authorities. 

The big problem here is just how unlikable the Firefly Clan are. Rob Zombie really needs to stop casting his wife Sheri Moon Zombie in things, she is just the absolute worse. Not helped by the obnoxious writing that has every character dropping the F-Bomb every 2 seconds. I gotta mention the brutal "Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these" scene. Just brutal and irritating.

Moon Zombie aside, the characters are far from likeable, but they do at least have some charisma that keep you going through the film. Sid Haig is by far Zombie's best creation as the murderous party clown Captain Spaulding. The last of the trio of leads is Bill Moseley's Otis, who is easily the most sadistic of the 3. It's strange that a film with such disgusting and horrible characters is entertaining to watch for me. There's not a single redeeming aspect to any of these monsters. They kill, rape and torture their way through the entire film, but it's still somewhat watchable.

It's rare a film actually makes me uncomfortable, but Devil's Rejects is one of those rare films that actually pushes the boundaries. The tone and treatment of the film is grotesque. Our lead characters graphically murder, rape and torture people no remorse. Zombie's style is inherently ugly, but it has '70s look and vibe to it I kinda like. It's a sun drenched, Texas Chainsaw Massacre homage in some respects, but it's let down by Zombie's frequently annoying use of stylistic touches that just don't work. His constantly use of slow-motion is aggravating to say the least and the digital blood gore looks atrocious, I expected better from someone like Zombie, who imagined would go practical any chance he could.

 If you expect any of the victims to get away or have any kind hope, yeah, this won't be the film for you. Innocent bystanders are merely fodder for the Firefly Family to abuse. It's tough watching, especially the extended motel scene where we actually spend time with a few of their hostages and after their treatment, you kinda hope they will get away, but nope. Not in this one.

By the end of this thing it's just kind of exhausting spending just under two hours (Which is a little too long) with these horrible characters. I'd love to watch this with friends who have no tolerance for this sort of thing. Oh, and as memorable as the ending is, did Zombie really have to use the 8mm home video footage to try and make us feel anything for these characters? It's just asking a little too much for audience at this point to even attempt at making us sympathetic for these repulsive scumbags.


For better and worse The Devil's Rejects is Rob Zombie's finest work as a director and I'm honestly very interested in his sequel to this due out next year, which is an interesting prospect considering how this ended. Not for people who can't handle horrific content, but if you can stomach it, I'm sure there's something you can get out of this.

7/10 Dans

The Devil's Rejects is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (2018) - Cinema Review

Review:

*Originally written November 17th, 2018*

There's a lot to take on here. The second in the series of five Harry Potter prequels tells a far more interesting story than the first one, while managing to make a few very misguided and questionable decisions. It also has that annoying thing of setting up a lot of things that they're planning to resolve in future films rather than just work with what they've got. Now, I've not got a huge problem with this, as I know this will all play better once all five films have been released and will flow better, but it's still a little frustrating.

Tonally, this is far more darker than the first Fantastic Beasts. There is a lot of harsh stuff in here for a kids film. For a sequel to a film that played it pretty lighthearted, it's a bit jarring. I'd only rewatched the first film a day ago, so it was odd to see thing go from Newt making animal noises and gestures to a fantastical animal to full blown child murder and mass murder within the space of two hours. They really try and go for an Empire Strikes Back vibe here as all the characters are split up and left in a much worse place by the time the credits roll.

I much preferred this tone and it is far close to the later Harry Potter films in terms of style rather than the earlier ones and the First Fantastic Beasts. The transition is far from perfect though, for a film that takes itself so seriously, it's weird that they shove in these strange moments of comedy between Newt and his creatures right in the middle of things for brief scenes that feel tacked in and have no flow the overall story. It reeked of re-shoots added in for "More comedy". I'm sure that wasn't the case, but that's honestly how these scenes played to me.

I was extremely worried that these five Fantastic Beasts films would play like the Hobbit films compared to the Lord of the Rings, a hollow CGI fest that lacked the charm of any of the films that came before it. And while it can be argued that this is true, I still feel more connected to this than I had any of the Hobbit films. Despite feeling like the middle film in a series, I was constantly engaged by the story and was really into it, even with a lot of the issues the film had, and there are a lot. 

There's a lot of odd moments that feel out of place and overlooked. The return of Dan Fogley as Jacob and Alison Sudol's Queenie is much appreciated and welcome, their return is a bumpy ride that did not sit right with me at all. Their first scene back it's revealed that Queenie is using basically the Wizarding World equivalent of a date rape drug to keep Jacob from leaving her. It's not said how long she's been using it, but that's gotta be rape right? He's hypnotised and doing whatever she says without any free will of his own? But this is played for laughs, it's odd and a bit sickening.

Either way, once that stuff is brushed off as a misguided attempt at humour, Jacob and Queenie have surprising character arcs that really left me surprised at how this is going to go in the series. It's probably one of the few things I actually understood in the final act as the film juggles so much and delivers so much exposition that it leaves things as a bit of a confusing mess. 

That's marginally where some of my problems come from. The final thirty minutes are a bit of a mess with such confusing editing and mix of far too many things being juggled. I know a lot of this will make sense to huge Potterheads, but as someone who grew up watching the Harry Potter films, I was left muddled and not sure what the hell and just happened aside from a few key beats.

I'm also confused as to why this film is called "Fantastic Beasts" too. That title made sense for the first film, as it was actually about Newt and his creatures, but here they are merely background devices used to remind audiences that "Oh, yeah. Newt loves animals". Don't get more wrong, I'm much more interested in the plot of Grindelwald and Dumbledore than a series of films about Newt going country to country finding creatures. I just don't know why they haven't dropped this title. Oh, the Marvelization of the Harry Potter series was pretty rampant from the giant "WIZARDING WORLD" logo that opens the film, which honestly would have made more sense as the title. 

I did at least appreciate the Harry Potter universe references that I understood based on my knowledge of the films. There's some fun name drops, locations  and characters involved that I'm sure Potterheads will be creaming over. While his screen-time was brief, Jude Law made for a fantastic young Dumbledore and I can't wait to see him more in future films, I just hope they actually have the balls to explore his sexuality rather than just tease it like they do in this one. 

Eddie Redmayne is still interesting as the lead of this series. I saw an article before seeing this saying that Newt might be autistic, and once I had that in my head, it was all I could see. The mannerisms, social awkwardness and obsession with animals was all there. I do not have a problem with this at all, in fact if they reveal he is autistic, then I'll love it even more. It's a ballsy and rare move to have an autistic character as the lead of a huge franchise. 

There was a lot of controversy over the casting of Johnny Depp after his abuse allegations and while his reveal in the first Fantastic Beasts is  laughable and off-putting, there was a lot of work put in here to undo a lot of that damage. Depp actually plays it pretty sinister and intimidating, it actually feels like he's trying again after a decade of embarrassing roles where plays a bunch of zany, over the top characters. He's responsible for some of the most violent and disturbing acts so far in the Harry Potter franchise, from the opening escape to the finale, he's pretty damn good and not overused at all.


So that's Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald, a darker and more compelling sequel that suffers from a few tonal issues and a convoluted final act as it tries to juggle far too much for one film, but overall it's definitely a step in the right direction for the series and I really hope it continues to improve with each film.

7/10 Dans

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald is out now in cinemas in the UK, with a 4K UHD Steelbook available to pre-order from HMV

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The Grinch (2018) - Cinema Review

Review:

*Originally written November 14th, 2018*

I feel a bit harsh going in to trash a kids film. I know I'm not the target audience for this sort of thing, but still, I expected something a bit more ambitious than this completely safe and mostly bland retelling of The Grinch story. In all honesty, I've never actually seen another telling of this story, but even so, I'd felt like I'd seen it all before. 

Illumination as a company have produced some of most annoying animated films of recent years. I think I hate them. I like the first 2 Despicable Me films to an extent, but that was mostly due to everything with Gru and the kids, everything Minions related can fuck right off (I was horrified to discover The Grinch had a Minions short film attached to it). I don't think I've seen one of their films I've liked since the second Despicable Me. Secret Life of Pets was abysmal, Boss Baby was weird and Despicable Me 3 was just too much for me. I'm so scared at how they're going to handle the Shrek franchise now. 

For The Grinch itself, like I said, it's completely safe. Benedict Cumberbatch (Who?!) does a great job in the titular role, I barely recognised his voice at times, but he bought a lot of character to the role. The film really shined early on when the Grinch is just a complete bastard, before inevitably learning to find joy again and enjoy Christmas.

There's attempts at humour and heart here that fall completely flat. A whole chunk of The Grinch is dedicated to a little girl trying to give Santa a letter about what she wants for Christmas (Which does eventually pay off), but every moment with her and her family is a drag and made me wish we were back with The Grinch and his dog. 

I suppose that's because there is very little story to be told here. It's a simple arc that feels like it had maybe 20 minutes of material stretched out to an 80 minute run-time. I was actually hopeful going in knowing this short run-time, but instead found myself bored very early on and wanting it to end. It all just goes exactly where you'd expect and I'm really disappointed they did nothing to subvert expectations. Illumination are far from Pixar.

At the very least, The Grinch boasts gorgeous and creative animation that involve some decent enough set-pieces. I loved the design of the town and the rich colour pallet that really sparked, creating a lovely, candy coloured adventure. I just wish the story had as much weight as its visuals. Can't wait to see this again at some point with HDR.


The Grinch is what it is. A stretched out retelling of Dr Seuss's story with top quality animation that will definitely entertain children, but do very little for adults. Another meh release from Illumination.

5/10 Dans

The Grinch is out now in cinemas in the UK
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Friday the 13th (1980) - Blu-ray Review

Review:

*Originally written November 14th, 2018*

Friday the 13th is one of those franchises I really want to love, but just end up finding them extremely poor. This is by far one of the better entries in the series before getting more and more absurd with each new film that delved into self-parody as it progressed. It's just a shame that a series that's as well loved by horror fans peaked with this completely uninspired and derivative slasher.

I do appreciate the simplicity of the original. Much like the Halloween franchise, the sequels focused on creating more and more convoluted reasons at the why the killer is the way they are. This is much more simple: Someone is slaughtering horny teenagers one by one at a summer camp. It's that simple. Nothing more, nothing less. If you want characters with depth or even personality, then look elsewhere, because they are just meaningless fodder that either get killed, go topless or both.

The most interesting thing about the characters ends with the fact one of them is Kevin Bacon. It's fun to see him in an earlier role before he hit it big and a sick joy to see him inevitably get picked off (I assume the killer saw the future and knew about those EE ads). Aside from Bacon, I really could not tell you a single thing about another character in this slasher. 

Some of the kills are at least very gory and brutal. I read this film received a lot of criticisms for its violence, which I can see. By today's standards and how desensitised by blood and gore I am at this point, it's arguably tame, but I can see how in 1980, it's seen as a bit much. The kills and score are probably the only thing that makes Friday the 13th at least watchable. 

Aside from the pretty decent twist that reveals who the killer is and their motivations. I really do like how the first film in this franchise revolving around Jason Vorhees and his iconic hockey mask, doesn't even make an appearance here. He doesn't appear until the sequels. It does create some questions as to how the killer was able to overpower and kill these teenagers, but hey ho, this is a dumb slasher film. I'd be stupid to argue about logic in a series where the killer is able to transfer his conscious into other people who a demonic slug. 


There's so little to pick apart here. It's a derivative and forgettable slasher with some fun kills and a surprising twist. Nothing more, nothing less. I do want to revisit the sequels at some point, but from aside from funky opening titles to Part 3, I have very little desire to go there. 

5/10 Dans

Friday the 13th is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
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Widows (2018) - Cinema Review

Review:

*Originally written November 11th, 2018*

Widows was by far one of my most anticipated films of 2018, based on that cast, premise and the always excellent Steve McQueen directing. I'm a complete sucker for heist films, especially ones made by a talented director. While Widows didn't disappoint, it is a remarkably by the numbers plot elevated by McQueen's tense direction and the talent of its cast.

The premise is simple and effective, after their husbands are all killed in a heist gone wrong, they have to pay back the people their husbands stole from and plan a heist of their own. It's a film planted firmly in its genre and while it lacks surprises or sort of subversion of expectations, it does everything it aims to do incredibly well.

The cast are all great. Viola Davis has been insanely reliable for years now and she's no different here, I could have done with more emotion from her as her character was bordering on her role from Suicide Squad at times (Just looking pissed off and not much else), but she manages to pull off some genuine emotion in moments littered throughout. Michelle Rodriguez was.. well, Michelle Rodriguez, but it's nice to see her do something a bit more high-brow for once and she holds her own against the rest of the cast. Same with Elizabeth Dubecki, who is given far more screen-time than I expected.

The only weak spot of the cast Robert Duvall, who gives a strange performance that came off as unintentionally hilarious rather than effective. It felt like he was manically trying to remember his lines while trying to battle dementia and not really sure what to do with the words he was saying. 

Part of me is curious to see the original ITV series this was based on, but like most UK drama, I imagine it will be pretty cringe and unbearable to watch. I can only imagine they borrowed a few of the twists from the series (One massive one that I called very early on) that  feel a little out of place for a film with this dark and serious tone. I'm not saying the twist didn't work, it just felt a little off.

I'm amazed at how much McQueen managed to pack into a just over 2 hour film too, there is so much going on and characters being juggled that it could have turned out to be an under-cooked mess, but it all payed off wonderfully. The wives slowly teaming up and planning the heist follows a lot of genre conventions, but the heist itself is some of the most tense film-making of the year and McQueen's direction really brings some amazing imagery helped by Sean Bobbit's gorgeous cinematography. 

I was a little disappointed by Hans Zimmer's pretty low-key score that borrowed various elements from stuff he's done recently and it got to the point where I stopped even noticing the score, which is not a good sign. It's weird he'd score a prestige drama like this and utterly phone it in. 

After's McQueen's previous film which was a gruelling masterpiece, it was nice to see him do a film with a bit of a lighter tone. Don't get me wrong, this is a drama that takes itself very seriously, but there are moments of surprising comedy mixed among the brutality. I was actually surprised at how brutal some of this was, Daniel Kaluuya is an absolute psycho here and I love seeing him more and more in big projects. 


Widows is what it is. It's not an Oscar bait drama from an acclaimed director, but instead a genre film that follows a pretty worn formula, but does it so incredibly well thanks to McQueen's assured direction, tension and an excellent cast. 

9/10 Dans

Widows is out now in cinemas in the UK
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