Blair Witch (2016) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written September 9th, 2016*

"The Blair Witch Rehash"

I am so let down by this. Directed by Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett, both of which worked on You're Next and The Guest, two films I utterly adore the fuck out of. So I was extremely disappointed by Blair Witch.

Sold as a sequel to the original (Ignoring the events of Book of Shadows), this really is pretty much a straight up remake. It lacked any kind of surprise or originality. I really have no idea where the acclaim for this film is coming from.

Aside from the sound design and excellent final 15 minutes, I never cared about anything else in Blair Witch. I was bored a lot of the time. I just felt like I'd been here and seen it all before. I nearly even rewatched the first earlier today, which only would have made this even harder to get through.

Horrific camerawork too. I wanted to like the idea of the POV cameras, but it was borderline impossible to know what was happening most of the time. There was some interesting use of drones and body-cams to get this rehash into 2016, but it was mostly just disorientating. 

That said, in terms of found-footage films, this is still head and shoulders above utter dreck like Paranormal Activity. It's just everything about this film should have been better. How do you go from The Guest to this? 

I hated every character. I never cared for anyone. I liked that they at least still kept the mystery of the Blair Witch while expanding on the mythology a little bit. I was worried we'd see the witch and have that ruined, but thankfully they never get that far, although we do get some clearer glimpses that we never got in 1999. 


For better or worse, Blair Witch is back. The best I can say about this is that it is at the very least a hell of a lot better than Book of Shadows....

4/10 Dans

Blair Witch is out now on 4K UHD, Blu-ray and DVD
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @thesurprisingadventuresofdanb and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

Leatherface (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written September 23rd, 2017*

"Texas Chainsaw Begins"

Did we need a prequel about Leatherface's teenage life? Probably not, but hey, it's probably the best Texas Chainsaw Massacre film since the first. It's at the very least better than Texas "Do you thing, 'cuz" Chainsaw 3D.

A perfectly serviceable road-movie-horror-slasher with some really grizzly practical gore and some decent performances. Also, I bet everyone who watched Iron Fist and Defenders wished Finn Jones suffered the same fate in those as he did here. 

I did enjoy the fact it was more a road movie about a group of people going on a killing spree after escaping from a mental asylum. I wish there were more scenes of them hanging out, but the diner scene was pretty choice. It gets really nasty at times too. 

There's not a lot to say. It's just perfectly average, yet a step in the right direction for the series. It's a shame that Texas Chainsaw has been reduced to VOD, but I can't really say I'm surprised considering aside from the original, they are all extremely terrible.

In terms of continuity, the Texas Chainsaw has taken a lot of liberties, but I'm pretty sure this is a direct prequel to the original and ignores a lot of the sequels and Michael Bay's remake and its prequel. I've only just noticed what a mess the timeline of these films are. I've not mentioned it before, but I've always liked the way there's never been some convoluted supernatural backstory to Leatherface, he's just the result of inbreeding, which is probably more terrifying than anything fantasy can come up with.


I wont remember this later. It just was what is was. Completely unoffensive, had some good gore and fun characters. Which is far more than I even expect from this series by now.

5/10 Dans

Leatherface currently has no release date for the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @thesurprisingadventuresofdanb and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

Killing Gunther (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written September 22nd, 2017*

"Kill Me"

Oh, dear. I will watch anything Arnold Schwarzenegger is in, that's a given. I was kind of excited for Killing Gunther (Previously: Why We're Killing Gunther), the thought of Arnie playing an egotistical hitman who his hunted by his peers after they finally get sick of his shit is a novel idea and had the potential to be a lot of fun. 

Then the trailer happened, and I got worried. Arnie seemed to have slipped into self-parody and the film reeked of cheap, straight-to-DVD garbage. The mockumentary aspect didn't rub me right either. Everything just seemed off and it was not what I wanted or was expecting.

The film itself is now available, and it's a pathetic mess or poor and shoddy film making. A bland, uninspired piece of VOD trash. Nothing about Killing Gunther landed for me. The documentary aesthetic could have worked, but it just made for annoying camera work, and in a film with such fake and embarrassing special effects, the documentary look worked completely against it.

As an action film, it fails miserably. Annoying shakey-cam, on-the-fly style that lacks any kind of visceral impact. The poor and laughable CGI blood looks like some college student did it with Windows Movie Maker, it's pathetic, everything about this reeks like a student film that somehow managed to rope in Schwarzenegger.

Speaking of the big man himself, it's a complete insult that Arnie doesn't make an appearance into the film until about 70 minutes in, and even then he's only in it for around 10 minutes. It's such false marketing to have Arnie front and centre in all the marketing, despite his role being nothing more than an extended cameo. Arnie is still the most fun thing about this, but it's sorta just sad to see him reduced to these self-deprecating roles where he's just regurgitating  lines from his glory days for a cheap laugh.

I would be less insulted by the lack of Arnie if the rest of the cast were at least fun to watch, but they're all just horrendously annoying. All the assassins trying to kill Gunther have some lame quirk or gimmick that is the only kind of identifiable trait of character. I can't remember a single name of these characters. I just remember them as "The Main One", "The One With a Robot Hand", "The Tech One" "The Woman" "The Fat One" "The Asian One That Acts Very Effeminate" and "The Two Annoying Tourists". 

The film tries its hardest with humour, I wasn't surprised to see this was behind some Saturday Night Live minds. It feels like a stretched SNL sketch. The jokes are lame and uninspired, even the darker humour around the deaths I was just completely left cold by. Nothing worked. Even at under 90 minutes this film felt long, it drags its premise out to past breaking point. 


Killing Gunther is one of my biggest disappointments of the year. a bland, boring and cheap piece of VOD trash that is just an embarrassment to watch. Arnie's getting old now, I don't want the end of his career to be making garbage films like this. Complete garbage.

2/10 Dans

Killing Gunther currently has no release date for the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @thesurprisingadventuresofdanb and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

The Neon Demon (2016) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written February 12th, 2017*

"Beauty isn't everything. It's the only thing"

Nicolas Winding Refn’s previous film ‘Only God Forgives’ was critically slammed and hated by most, while I didn’t hate it, it was definitely a huge step down from the likes of Drive and Bronson from the Danish director. 3 years later, Refn has learned from his mistakes and made one of the most visually beautiful, compelling and most well scored films I’ve ever seen.

Ditching the macho male fuelled fantasies of his previous films, this time he tells the female led story of a young aspiring model who moves to Los Angeles and quickly becomes the next big thing because of the her special “thing” she has. As her ego gets the better of her, a group of jealous models stop at nothing and go to extreme lengths to possess her beauty.

This film is as abstract as they come. The story is thin and moves at a snails pace, moved along by increasingly beautiful modelling shoots that really do display Winding Refn’s eye for beauty, colour and visuals. While the story is arguably thin, it’s the usual tale of a young girl consumed by the horrors of a shallow and vapid industry, it is no less compelling.

It is purely made for its visuals and music, which are truly incredible. This might be the best looking film I’ve ever seen. I’ve watched it twice now and each viewing I was sucked in for 2 hours of hypnotic visual nirvana. Every frame is a beautiful painting, filled with meaning and metaphor. While the story is thin, everything else is dense and full detail that has more than meets the eye. This is a film that will only improve on rewatches as you notice more and pick up on the little things.

Along with the visuals, where The Neon Demon also succeeds is in its music. Every track of the score is something of ’80s feeling electronic beauty composed by Julien Refn and Cliff Martinez. It made the opening titles some of the best I’ve scene, I even got a bit a “The Thing” vibe from it, bringing such an unsettling feeling that set the tone for the rest of the film.

The cast are all great. Elle Fanning leads as Jesse, the model who soon lets her own narcissism and ego get the best of her. Jena Malone was the standout of the cast, she did some things that you can really only say “Wow, you really did that. Bravo”. The male cast are sidelined to really creepy characters, but they were all memorable, especially Keanu Reeves as the sleazy motel owner who brings some black comedy to the mix.

While it is slow, it builds to its natural conclusion well, and while the balls out the bath insanity of the last 20 minutes seem to come out of nowhere, there are a few hints of what’s to come littered throughout the film. Oh, and when I say insanity, the last scenes of this film are truly some of the most grotesque and disturbing content I’ve seen in a while. It goes places I know a lot of people won’t be able to stomach. It’s disgusting, but it’s fitting and feels like the only place this film could have gone.


The Neon Demon will no doubt straight disgust some people, while others it might just bore, but for me it connected and I was in a hypnotic state for the whole run-time. A true masterpiece and form of creative expression. Refn, you are a genius. I think he might be my favourite director currently working. I am far more interested in what he has coming than Tarantino or Scorsese right now. My film of the year for 2016.

10/10 Dans

The Neon Demon is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @thesurprisingadventuresofdanb and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written September 20th, 2017*

"Manners still maketh a man"

Kingsman: The Golden Circle was one of my most anticipated films of the year. The first was one of my biggest surprises of 2015, and with Vaughn returning to direct this follow up and the same crew also returning, I was pretty excited. I was a little disconcerted by the mixed reviews and the response on Letterboxd all seemed to range between 1 and 2 stars. That, said, I had a fucking blast with The Golden Circle, it was more or less everything I could have wanted or hoped for, while not topping the first.

Taking place a year after the first, The Golden Circle finds Eggsy (Taron Egerton) and Merlin (Mark Strong) seeking help from the American counterpart to Kingsman, the 'Statesmen' after an attack from an organisation called 'The Golden Circle' led by Poppy (Julianne Moore) a '50s obsessed megalomaniac.

I'll get the bad out the way first. There's no denying this sequel is overstuffed, even with its long run-time, they still pack a bit too much into this sequel. Some characters are massively under served. If you were hoping for Roxy from the first film to get an expanded role, then you will be massively disappointed. Channing Tatum's cowboy spy is also brushed aside for a huge chunk of the film, resulting in his role being nothing more than an extended cameo. It also follows a lot of the sames beats as the first film, with just a bit of tweaking.

Aside from that, this sequel is some of the most fun I've had in the cinema all year. It's a balls to the wall, violent, funny and just a fun time at the cinema. It knows what it is and unapologetically runs with it. It's gory, brutal and filled with crude humour, but at the same time it has genuine heart and feels like another loving letter to the spy films of the Roger Moore era.

Taron Egerton feels much more comfortable in his chav turned gentleman spy role. His character is much more refined and it explores him balancing his personal life and spy life a lot more. It was a nice touch to keep the princess he saves at the end of the first film as his girlfriend, especially after that misguided anal sex joke (Which they reference again). It would have been easy to just start fresh with another girl he could sleep with at the end of this film, but keeping the same one was a nice bit of continuity and subverted the norm of these types of films.

There was a big question at how Colin Firth would return as Harry Hart this time rounded, especially considering he suffered fatal gunshot wound to the head from Samuel L Jackson. The way they bring back is fine, I guess. It's not a massive surprise, but they had to get him back into the fold somehow. Anyway, his relationship with Eggsy was the heart of the first film and they did some nice stuff with it here. His character is a shell of his former self thanks to amnesia, but he still manages to have some great moments, especially during the final assault, but they never even try and top the church scene from the first, which is probably for the best.

Speaking of the action, there is a lot more set-pieces than the first and Matthew Vaughn has certainly improved as a director since the last time. The action chaotic, cartoony and brutal, but still so much fun to watch. There might be some not so great CGI mixed in, but the camera flows with action, making it kinetic and breezy while seeming like some long single takes with computer imagery enhancement. Like I said though, nothing comes close to the church scene from the first, but it didn't need to. The set-pieces stand on their own as fresh, fun and inventive, especially that final battle.

Julianne Moore is also clearly having a blast as the '50s obsessed villain with an agenda for making drugs legal and tries to do so by holding the world at ransom. It might be a bit similar to Richmond Valentine, but Moore is so much fun, with her '50s like always fake smiling mother who likes to grind people into hamburgers as punishment. She also has two robot dogs and a kidnapped Elton John (playing himself) for entertainment. 

The other side characters also leave an impression. Halle Berry's Ginger is the most shortchanged out the new cast, but they open her role up for a more substantial role in the sequel, but she has some nice moments with Merlin. Mark Strong provides a surprisingly more meaningful role and gets some field work this time around and his story resolves with a genuine emotional punch. Pedro Pascal also has a lot of fun as a Statesmen agent with a lasso and an electric whip. He was definitely one of the coolest new additions of the sequel, I kinda wish they did something different with his character by the end though.

There is a scene in this that has been causing some controversy in the same vain as the anal sex gag from the first, but I didn't have as much of a problem with it, at least it served the plot this time and progressed the film. I guess you should probably know what you're in for at this point, at least it's a step forward from the first overall in that department. Probably could have done with a stronger and not wasted female role in Roxy though.


Kingsman: The Golden Circle might not be as fresh or new as its original, but it doesn't need to be. It's just fun enough to hang out in this over-the-top world with these characters again. I hope Vaughn continues with a third film to conclude this series, because these two films are some of the most fun cinema has ever been.

9/10 Dans

Kingsman: The Golden Circle is out now in cinemas in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @thesurprisingadventuresofdanb and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

Love Actually (2003) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written September 11th, 2016*

"What the fuck?"

I am speechless. I don't know what words can do this justice. Love Actually is Richard Curtis's Pulp Fiction. The man is a genius.

He has made a film so openly broad and so obvious that it had to be a spoof of the genre, but played it so straight, it works. I could not believe the events that were unfolding on screen. I was in shock. 

It is so clearly made by a man that knows how to manipulate the masses. Some of the characters were horrible, some were so overly nice you wanted to punch them, while others were annoying. Liam Neeson was fantastic though, his tears at his wife's funeral were the closest thing Love Actually had to something that wasn't artificial emotion.

I have not been in so much shock over a film since I watched Neil Breen's Fateful Findings or Tommy Wiseau's The Room. Horrific and terrible on so many levels, yet I loved every single moment. This film is 130 minutes long, but I wish it was longer.


Richard Curtis single handedly trolled every single person in the world by making what is essentially the Tango and Cash of romantic comedies. A mash up of everything that came before, but so off its tits in cliche and cheese that you sorta gotta watch it in fascination and take it all in. He obviously snorted a kilo of cocaine while watching several TVs at once that were all playing romantic comedies then proceeded to write this screenplay.

10/10 Dans

Love Actually is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @thesurprisingadventuresofdanb and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

The Room (2003) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written August 11th, 2017*

"The peak of cinema"

My previous half star rating for my first viewing of The Room was a severe miscalculation. The Room is a powerful, funny and tragic romantic drama. Tommy Wiseau steals every frame he's in with his performance which is as unique as it is subtle. Cinema has yet to see a performance match the quality of Wiseau.

As a writer and director, Wiseau is a revelation. Subverting the melodrama with intentionally funny moments to put the audience off guard and not prepare them for the heartbreaking ending which will have grown men crying more than Terminator 2 and Logan did.

I wish Tommy Wiseau was my dad. He's a genius. A madman. A god. A king. All the above put into a blender and served to you in a messy drink that goes down easy. I cannot wait to see this man storm the film industry with his inevitable comeback.

The Room is pure cinema. Everything done wrong in a combination that has become one of the most fascinating and unforgettable cult hits. After you see The Room, it will never leave you. Tommy Wiseau will slowly become a part of you, and you don't want it any other way. 


Can we get a release date for The Disaster Artist in the UK, please?

10/10 Dans

The Room has never had an official release in the UK, but The Prince Charles Cinema in London frequently show it (Often with Tommy Wiseau in attendance)
Watch the trailer below:

The whole film is also available to watch on YouTube. Please watch below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @thesurprisingadventuresofdanb and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

The Ritual (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written September 18th, 2017*

"The Blairy Bunch"

There's not a massive lot to be said about The Ritual, a low-budget British horror film about four friends who find themselves lost in the woods being taunted by a monster after they go on a memorial trip after their friend dies in a store robbery.

It's all just fairly serviceable and stuff you've seen before, there's clear inspiration from The Blair Witch Project, and to be honest, this is still a better Blair Witch film than last years remake disguised as a sequel. There is also a fairly intriguing mystery at what the monster is and where that goes at least.

Where The Ritual shines most is easily in its lead character. Luke (Rafe Spall) is a man haunted and guilty after the death of his friend, his arc of facing his demons (Both metaphorical and literal) is easily the most compelling part. Spall manages to hold his own in a horror film, he's always an actor I've liked, even from his days in the vastly underrated Channel 4 comedy 'Pete Vs. Life'. 

It's a shame that the rest of the cast are very under served an one not. I honestly can't remember the name of a single one of them, and I wasn't too bothered when any of them were killed off. That said, I was surprised at how funny this could be at times, the cast all had great chemistry together, it's just a shame their characters were so bland.

Being a 90 minute film really helped too. Things went by really fast and before I knew it, I was in the middle of a very surprising and decent final act that none of the trailers spoiled at all. It changed from horror into something else (It also made me realise I need to finally watch The Wicker Man. Not the Nicolas Cage masterpiece, the original).

We don't get a lot of answers as to what the monster is directly, but it was pretty easy to work out. I also liked the design of the creature, it's hard to explain other than "A horse mixed with a Jawa from Star Wars". There's also a lack of jump scares and extreme gore, which I'm getting tired of, the film gets its tension from mystery and atmosphere, which I always appreciate.


The Ritual might be far from the best horror films of the year in a very good year for the genre, but for what it was, it's a perfectly acceptable lost in the woods horror that might make up for that terrible Blair Witch remake.

6/10 Dans

The Ritual is out October 13th in cinemas in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @DanBremner96 and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

American Assassin (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written September 18th, 2017*

"Shooty bang bang"

Every year or so we get a violent mid-budget action film that is so generic and serviceable, but also so mean-spirited with its gratuitous violence that it just works for me. A few years ago we had Olympus Has Fallen, then its sequel London as Fallen and now American Assassin has joined the league of films about white Americans brutally slaughtering faceless foreign terrorists.

Like the Olympus films, American Assassin wears its violence like a crown. The brutal violence and torture was so nasty and brutal, which is a rarity these days (It even got that fabled 18 rating in the UK. Which had me intrigued before watching it). 

This film pulls no punches with its violence, people are stabbed and shot with pretty graphic injury detail and messy blood splatter, It's kinda glorious. I do question the films weird hatred of civilians though. This has some of the most collateral damage I've seen from a film in a while. Again, like the Olympus films.

While American Assassin certainly delivers on its promises of horrific, well shot and graphic action, it definitely lacks in character. Dylan O'Brien's 'Mitch Rapp' is kind of an asshole. A brutally sadistic white American who slaughters his way through countless people to get his revenge after the death of his girlfriend in the films opening terrorist attack. 

Mitch is a character you can get behind, his motivations are sound enough, it's just he's a bit of a dick. Reckless, hot-tempered and doesn't take orders very well. He's quickly recruiting by the CIA to help stop a terrorist attack, which is a shame. As there's a much more interesting story here about a one-man killing machine who goes on a rampage through terrorist cells while seeking revenge.

The main plot itself is actually compelling enough to hold the film. It's nothing we haven't seen before, but it works and it's helped along massively with a really fun supporting turn from Michael Keaton, who has a blast and some of the best lines of the film with some really dark humour. I was half expecting them to kill him off really early, but thankfully he stuck around and we may see more of him if this franchise gets picked up.

Things get murky with the villain. I had no idea Taylor Kitsch was even in this and I was very confused as he looked very similar to Dylan O'Brien at times. His character's motivation gets into some messy politics and doesn't make the most sense. He's just someone who wants revenge on the US government, but seems to take his anger out on shooting random civilians in the street.


It's not perfect, it's far from amazing, but if you have an itch for some brutal violence with no bullshit shakey-cam and a serviceable story, well, then American Assassin will be exactly what you're looking for.

7/10 Dans

American Assassin is out now in cinemas in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @DanBremner96 and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

Mother! (2017) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written September 17th, 2017*

"Home is where the heart is"

Jesus, where do I begin with mother!? Darren Aronofsky's latest film and BY FAR his least accessible yet. I'm at a loss for words. With no hyperbole, mother! is one of the most batshit, insane and twisted pieces of cinema I've ever witnessed. I don't know where to begin reviewing this, but I'll try my best.

Things start of intriguing and simple enough. An unnamed married couple known as Mother (Jennifer Lawrence) and Him (Javier Bardem) are a married couple with a hell of an age gap. Him is a poet with writer's block and Mother is a homemaker rebuilding Him's home. Their lives are put through a loop as more and more strangers start to arrive at their home and things escalate. I won't spoil anything, as knowing literally NOTHING, made for a hell of a shell-shocking experience.

This is easily one of the most out there and least mainstream film I've seen come out of a studio. I think the entire audience in my showing hated it (One cunt in my screening even stood up at the end and "Said did anyone actually enjoy that?"). It's so bizarre and a lot of stuff is up to interpretation. It was art-house horror on a studio budget. It's a risk that I'm amazed and proud a studio would make. Whether it pays off in the end will be another question.

Darren Aronofsky's direction is assured and precise as it comes. The whole film takes place within the house and Aronofsky uses lots of close-ups to keep that feeling of claustrophobia. He also uses rich symbolism and deeply disturbing imagery as things unfold, getting more chaotic and crazy by the second until it explodes into the final act. His control over the direction of the final scenes are one's of controlled chaos at its finest, the camera sweeps around in long takes and will leave you in shock. I was also surprised by the lack of score mother! had, rather than music, tension and that unsettling feeling are delivered through excellent sound design that really, really worked for the atmosphere.

While it being two hours in a single location does sound daunting. It's always interesting and feeling like it's building to something. There was not a moment where I wasn't fascinated by where this was going. I'm not entirely sure what everything meant though, this is a film that is going to need a lot of careful rewatches to fully "understand" it and interpenetrate it, if that is even possible. 

I gotta mention what a trooper Jennifer Lawrence is here. This is definitely the best performance of her career. She goes all in, giving a Rosemary's Baby style descent into madness and she nails it. I could really feel her frustration as more and more people would enter her home and make her feel uncomfortable. She goes through hell too. Some of the things she has to do towards the end, I can't imagine many actresses agreeing to do that.

The rest of the cast are great too. Javier Bardem gives a suitably creepy performance that keeps you on edge as you slowly see his behaviour get more and more insane. Ed Harris and Michelle Pfeiffer are also fantastic as the first people to arrive at the house. There's also some surprising faces that turn up throughout the film that I won't spoil.

I've danced round talking about the final act of mother!, but I have to address it (No spoilers though). The last 30 minutes are just chaos. Some of the most disturbing, grotesque and heart-pounding moments in cinema I've ever experienced. I just sat there in disbelief and awe at the insanity unfolding in front of me. It takes a lot to drain me like that, but when the credits rolled on mother! I just wanted a cigarette and a long walk.


Darren Aronofsky might have had a misstep with 'Noah', but he's back at it again with another masterpiece that is for the few and not the many. It's bizarre, insane and massively demented. A film experience I will never forget and one I will be revisiting frequently.

10/10 Dans

mother! is out now in cinemas in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @DanBremner96 and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

Saw: The Final Chapter (2010) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written September 16th, 2017*

"No. I don't want to play you're fucking game"

This was more an obligation than a watch. An obligation to finishing franchises before the release of the latest instalment (This one being the sequel/reboot of the Saw franchise that releases on October 27th, which is also my birthday. Yay for me...)

Anyway, this GARBAGE heap of a "Final Chapter" might just be the worst of the entire franchise. I try my best to defend the horror genre, but I have to admit, for the most part.... it's pretty shit. For every good horror film I'd say you get maybe one or two serviceable sequels, then about 5 to 8 pieces of shit.

Saw: The Final Chapter is pathetic as a film. It's cheap, ugly, lazy and uninspired. It's clear from lifeless and direct to DVD cinematography that no one involved in this piece of shit cared. The LAME 3D gimmick really took away from the potential impact the film could have had thanks to the cringey use of shit flying towards the screen.

Despite being a Saw film, a series known for it's sadistic gore and torture. This is as lazy and uninspired as it comes. They obviously were too bored by this point to even consider practical effects as everything looks like shoddy CGI (Also, why was all the blood pink?!). Even the worst horror films like this I can usually say "Meh, at least there was some cool gore". Not here in this piece of shit.

Saw is also a series known for its outrageous plot-twists, but even this pushed the point of absurdity for me. A character from an earlier film is brought back near the end in an escalating series of embarrassing and lame twists to try and tie this whole series together (But also leaving the door open for future films, obviously). 

By the time the credits rolled, it was 5am and I had finally lost all my faith in humanity. I just let out a sigh and said "Fuck you" to my laptop screen. It's taken 7 years for me to finish this series, but I've finally done it and I'm not proud. Garbage horror films like this are part of the death of cinema. 


I could go on, but this piece of shit film has just left me depressed and at this point it's just futile. Learn from my mistakes, don't finish a film series you started to hate because of a new entry coming out and a misguided sense of obligation. Just see something you know you'll probably like, go outside and play. Make something, be creative. Write a script (It'll be better than this one, trust me). Do something that makes you happy. Have a black coffee and a cigarette. Go to the store and browse. Start a family. Just do anything but this.

1/10 Dans

Saw: The Final Chapter is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @DanBremner96 and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

American Pastoral (2016) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written November 11th, 2016*

"American Fruit Pastel?"

I'm a huge fan of Ewan McGregor, people even say I look like him for some weird reason, but I was interested to see how he would do directed. And he did a pretty okay job.

I'm just not entirely sure what the point of this was. It's not what I expected at all. While it's was engaging and really interesting at times, it was also fairly flat and lifeless at others.

After watching this and Big Fish, Ewan McGregor really needs to stop doing American accents. It's.... it's bad. It was great to see Dakota Fanning again though, this time playing a rebellious teenage daughter with a stutter. 

This was bleak and depressing as hell. It has some moments of genuine sweetness, although these moments are placed in flashback form at a moment of where it just makes you feel like shit for maximum manipulative effect.


As a director, McGregor has made a good looking film with an interesting look at politics, race and teenage rebellion in 1970's America, but in the end, the film just didn't have a lot to say and I'm not sure what it was trying to say.

6/10 Dans

American Pastoral is out now on DVD in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @DanBremner96 and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

31 (2016) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written September 18th, 2016*

"End my life"

31 is Rob Zombie’s latest and probably most vile contribution to cinema yet. I’ve not had a good history with Zombie’s filmography. Aside from his first Halloween remake and The Devil’s Rejects, I loathe everything he’s had to offer. Yet, I was still oddly interested in ’31’. While I was sure I’d probably hate it (Which I did), I still thought it had some sort of potential. Sadly, it’s just a poorly filmed, fairly tame and boring affair.

Sheri Moon Zombie (Because who else?) leads a group of five people who are kidnapped and taken to ‘Murder World’, where they are trapped and forced to play a murderous game where they must survive for 12 hours while being attacked by increasingly psychotic psychopaths. It’s oddly similar to 1987’s The Running Man, but more sadistic and without the charm.

I don’t mind the set-up, it’s a fairly obvious plot that could have made for some genre fun, it’s just that thanks to Zombie’s style, it’s nothing less than horrible. There are some fun ideas littered in here. We get a Nazi midget clown, a demented idea that feels right out the Borderlands series and Richard Brake actually gives a pretty terrifying performance as the final psychopath ‘Doom-Head’. He plays it as the most sadistic Joker we’ll never get in a Batman film.

Brake aside, the rest of the cast are horrific. Sheri Moon Zombie plays it as she always does: obnoxious and unbearable as our “final girl”, the lead we’re meant to root for, but instead I wanted to see her get slaughtered. Same went for the rest of the cast, all just awful, terrible people who you can’t root for. The strangest performance and appearance had to be from Malcolm McDowell as one of the puppet masters to the game of 31. He plays it as this weird aristocrat. It was bizarre. I was sitting there thinking to myself “You’ve been in A Clockwork Orange and now in your older age you’re degrading yourself to this”. It was embarrassing.

Zombie himself has called 31 his “most brutal film to date”, which might, or might not be true. It was hard to tell due to the awful shakey-cam work that made Paul Greengrass look coherent. Thanks to this awful camerawork that was probably done to hide the films extremely low-budget, it made the film lose any of its visceral impact, making it feel very tame. Zombie had to edit 31 in order to avoid the dreaded ‘NC-17’ rating, I’m not too sure what could have warranted this, as most of the violence is no worse and probably less gory than his previous work. There is an uncut version to be released on Blu-ray at some point, but for now, we’re left with soft cut that shouldn’t have happened. If you’re gonna go all out, then go all out, don’t let censorship ruin your artistic vision.

None of 31 looks even remotely nice. Everything is grimy, dark, disgusting and ugly to look at, which is probably the point, but that doesn’t make a compelling film to look at. It makes a boring film to look at. The sets look like they were covered in faeces and urine before filming, which would have made for an authentic haunted-house ride, but not a film.


 This actually would have probably worked better as some Halloween attraction at somewhere like Thorpe Park. Zombie composed the score, which actually wasn’t too bad. A little bit of a thumping and generic score, but it stands out compared to everything else on display. The film also closes to Aerosmith’s ‘Dream On’, which is a nice choice, even if the film’s ending is very weak and lazy.

2/10 Dans

31 is out now on DVD in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @DanBremner96 and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook

Nightcrawler (2014) - Film Review

Review:

*Originally written February 19th, 2016*

"American Psycho"

Nightcrawler is one of those films that prove the Oscars are a poor joke. The fact Jake Gyllenhaal didn't get a best actor nomination is a laughable action that further takes away from their credibility. But they made up for it by nominating Eddie Redmayne for his Stephen Hawking performance, that was nothing more than blatant Oscar bait. Honestly, fuck the Oscars.

Gyllenhaal plays Lou Bloom, a deeply disturbed man, who seems to live on odd jobs. He quickly finds a career path when he drives past a car crash and sees a camera crew filming it and decides that's what he wants to do.

What an excellent piece of work this was from first time director, Dan Gilroy, who gives the audience a dark, twisted and satirical take on the American Dream. On top of this, he creates a gorgeous film that highlights the nightlife of Los Angeles in a how I haven't seen since 2011's Drive. On top of this, we get a score from James Newton Howard, which is just beautiful, especially the opening and closing tracks.

The compelling narrative showcases the rise of Lou's career, which gets more and more twisted and insane till you get to a point where he can't become more of a monster. He subverts any expectation where you believe that he can't do anything worse than he does previously. It keeps his character insanely unpredictable and unnerving, you really have no idea what this guy is capable of.

It's one of those films that had so much I loved about it, but none if it comes close to Gyllenhaal's performance. He has embodied a new sociopath for the ages. His creepy smile, intelligence and unpredictability is terrifying. Lou Bloom has quickly become one of my favorite characters of all time, with his calculated actions and deplorable acts, but still he's somehow likable and you kinda root for him, he's smart, ambitious and knows how to get what he wants. The ending is utterly twisted, yet still victorious for the character. I have a soft spot for films where the bad guy wins. We could all learn a little from Lou Bloom.

It has a lot to say about the media too. The characters are all essentially vultures, profiting off the death and misery from others, and the more graphic the footage, the better the ratings. It was a nice, satirical jab at crime journalism, and probably takes pot shots at the job by showing the best at it is a completely heartless sociopath.


Nightcrawler is a unique, original and gorgeous piece of film making from a first time director, boosted by one of the best performances of all time from Jake Gyllenhaal.

10/10 Dans

Nightcrawler is out now on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK
Watch the trailer below:

Follow us:
Twitter: @FigmentReviews and @ArronRoke91
Instagram: @DanBremner96 and @ArronRoke
YouTube: Figment Reviews 
Letterboxd: Dan and Arron
Facebook