*Originally written June 10th, 2018*
I actually feel attacked after this film. I've rested on it for a few days and the more I think about this film, the more insulted I am. I was one of the few people that enjoyed Jurassic World (It's due a rewatch though), it was hardly original, but at the very least had some decent set-pieces and genuine excitement.
Fallen Kingdom on the other hand is just cynical Hollywood blockbuster film making at its worst. I spent 2 hours watching this in disbelief at how such a moronic and stupid script somehow made it through a variety of people and was considered good enough to be greenlit.
I must admit, I wasn't the most excited for this. The trailers have all been pretty awful, but I was hoping for another Solo situation where I was pleasantly surprised, instead I just received a barrage of nonsensical garbage that made me wish I was dead.
Films don't need to be smart to be fun, there's a certain level films can hit where they're stupid, but still entertaining (Shoot 'Em Up and Kong: Skull Island are the examples I can think of right now). Fallen Kingdom fails to bring any life to the screen. There are some watchable action scenes, the first act on the island have some cool moments (And a genuinely beautiful shot at the end), but it's all undercut by how rushed it all is.
Despite being that stars of the previous films, Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard's characters are such blank slates of nothing. Pratt makes charisma look easy, he's got that goofy charm, which is let down by such an uninteresting bore he plays here. The closest thing he has to character is his relationship with the Raptor 'Blue' he raised from birth. It's a shame none of the moments between them work at all. There's even a scene where a single tear drops down Blue's cheek. I did not make that up.
Pratt and Howard aren't even the worst off here. The whole film comprises of side characters who are either just annoying or laughably bad. The worst of the bunch is by far Justice Smith, who is just embarrassing excuse of a character, every line is just a lame joke about how scared he is, how everything is too dangerous for him, or he's just screaming. He's basically Dakota Fanning in War of the Worlds, but doesn't even have the excuse of being a child.
Jeff Goldblum's return as Ian Malcolm is nothing more than a cameo and the entirety of his role is in the trailer. So don't get your hopes up for that. Even the bad guys are just bland and pathetic, as soon as Rafe Spall enters the film, his role is so blatantly set up to be a bad guy and then there's a cliche soldier who wears aviators and takes pleasure in torturing the animals and stealing their teeth.
A huge problem is that that Fallen Kingdom never picks what it wants to be, it tries to be an adventure film, a horror film or some poorly done metaphor about animals rights. It fails on every account. The last act ventures into horror, but lacks any kind of tension or suspense and also gives us another genetically mutated clone dinosaur with some a cringe-worthy and awful name that I laughed out loud at every time it was mentioned.
I just can't believe what happened to this franchise, a series about the dangers of meddling with nature and now dinosaurs are now able to be tamed and turned into cutesy mascots for children to play with. After the events of the past 4 films, the characters have the balls to argue that dinosaurs need to be saved. Did Bryce Dallas Howard completely forget what happened in the last film? Including her nephews nearly being slaughtered. I'd like to go into details about some of the more utterly moronic moments (Including the bad dinosaur smirking at the audience, which actually happens), but that would be spoilers.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom fails on every account. Sure, the CGI is good and there's explosions, but it is so mind numbingly stupid and boring that it was hard to enjoy when the writers are constantly insulting your intelligence with every turn. I'm amazed this was directed by the guy who did A Monster Calls and not Michael Bay. Cinema is dead. Jurassic Park is dead. God, I hope the next one is better than this colossal turd.
3/10 Dans
Watch the trailer below:
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is out now in cinemas in the UK and a 4K UHD Steelbook is available to pre-order from HMV
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